Its early morning... And I'm being still, chasing away fear and preparing myself for my first Radiation Oncology appointment. I'm thinking so many thoughts... Thinking about friendship - and what that is. Thinking about the people who over the last two weeks have either run from me - acting as though I have leprosy or something and the ones who have shown their true colors of friendship. I was trying to think of how I would act - if this was someone I loved. Its so different when it happens to YOU. I thought I knew how precious life was already. But you know - when its YOU standing at the frontline of this. The colors of life are more vibrant. It's like before everything was beautiful in a "water color" kind of way. But now, its like deeper hues of vibrant color. What has been wonderful is the outpouring of love from those that are my REAL friends. Checking on me, lifting me up, reminding me that I WILL survive this. That this is not my life - its only a chapter in my life.
At the same time - what has hurt even more than the diagnosis - is when I thought someone would be there for me - they weren't. They left my side. Avoided me. Stopped communications. Thinking that I would not notice the change. That hurt. And to the people who have done that - I just want to say - It hurts, but I understand. Because sometimes when this happens to someone - you don't know what to say. Heck - its happening to ME and I don't know what to say! LOL All I can say is although your reaction has hurt me - I love you still.
That will not be my focus. My focus is on the Lord. Who said "He will never leave nor forsake me." Who said "I hold you in the palm of my hand." Who told me - "Nothing will keep Him from me." (I'm being lazy - you look them up! ;P) I'm hedged in and totally dependent upon HIM. Perhaps that is the best place to be. "Sitting on my Father's lap." (LOL) Even at 43 He lets me!
People will disappoint you ALL the time. We are imperfect. Geesh if I wrote down my imperfections it would be like a long scroll.. "Hear ye, Hear ye..." I think in the quiet of the morning - we all know the things we need to work on within ourselves. Even if we don't confess them outloud. WE KNOW what they are, don't we? Today - I'm working on quieting my fear. Because fear is not of God. He is ABLE.
I've met two women this past week - one online and one in person. BOTH who have gone thru what I am going through now. Both radiate the love of Christ. They know the vibrancy I am talking about. How beautiful they are - kind of like how I picture Moses was coming from the Mountain. They've come from a "Mountain" they've "been" where I'm going and have come back again. And they are radiating the Holy Spirit. The peace that surrounds these two women is Incredible. The way they willingly share with me the fight they experienced. Their beauty from their battle is clear. They have been changed. They KNOW who is in control. I want that. I shall have that and when I've gone through this "battle" and come out "the winner" I shall be a living testimony that GOD did it! IN ME. And that because He is NO respector of persons what He has done for one, He will do for another. I believe that!
Everyone at some point in their lives goes through a "fire" a burning off, a growing pain. He says "I will not give you MORE than you can bear..." Only HE knows how much that is. "The steps of a righteous man/woman are ordained by God." Our steps - our lives. What happens to us - may at times surprise us. But it doesn't SURPRISE HIM. I'm so thankful in the midst of all this - that what it has done is brought me closer to my Father. Revealed who my true friends are. Who those who REALLY love me are. I thought I woke up every day already thankful for everything - but I realized I had only "scratched the surface." And I also realized in being a Christian - that THIS is what it is all about. Our faith, our believing. This is the time where you see if you TRULY believe.
I'm wiser.. and stupider at the same time! LOL Well I'm still the "Dork" I've always been. Still running into things, still tripping over nothing. Still laughing at myself. When I first went to the doctor with my this lump, she asked me.. Did you run into anything, fall? And I laughed and said - Yes - I'm a Dork. I'm like a modern day Lucille Ball. ALWAYS running into something... But you have to laugh over it. Because I know that laughter truly IS the best medicine of all.
I am a Breast Cancer Survivor
I was diagnosed with early stage triple negative breast cancer on June 24th, 2010 - I have been cancer free for 10 years now. It was only a chapter in my life - NOT my life, but the impact is one that has changed my life forever. Its important for women to know that 80% of the breast cancer diagnosis come from women who don't have a history of it in their family (My family didn't). Early detection is the key. For more information please click on the pink ribbon above. It could save your life.
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