For Michelle - who Always "Hopes and Prays"

I think this picture should be entitled "Hope." God tells us that He will never leave nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5)  Even at our darkest moments. He IS there. Just like the sun peaking through these leaves.

As I write this, I sit at my computer completely bald from 3 treatments of chemo and from getting my hair buzzed off like GI Jane. I underwent a lumpectomy on July 20th - so my breasts (except for two scars - one under my arm and one where you would place your hand to say I pledge allegiance) look pretty much the same. However, the me inside has been radically changed. My body doesn't feel the same. It's in a war. My lymph nodes under my left arm were removed because of "one bad node" - hence my need for chemotherapy and for later on radiation. Having your lymph nodes removed totally makes your body feel 'different'. "Numb." Like that feeling when your foot falls asleep and you have to shake it back into circulation. I don't quite recognize this girl in the mirror. She is not the one with a tan, with the curls coming over her left eye, with that confident smile. The girl that I see now, has a completely bald round head. Her scalp is white (who knew?) and she has freckles on her head! That was hidden by her curls. Her eyes look sadder and a bit war-struck. Because make no mistake about it- going through chemotherapy is NOT an easy thing.  Her taste buds are gone, and her waist is a bit narrower, because with the loss of flavor comes the loss of desire to eat. (All of which will be restored after chemo is done). There is a wisdom there in her eyes too. One that only those who've gone through a life battle can recognize and understand. She is learning lessons that she never knew she would have to learn, but that she will never forget and that is just the physical side.

Spiritually, I have learned how much I need my Father. How I need to get my spiritual act together. That bad things just don't happen to "Jane over there" - but can happen to us too.  The Bible says, "It rains on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:45). I know my life is in my Father's hands. I also see my weaknesses and my faults. I also realize that it is God who is in control. It is at this place where you can really be "beaten up" by ol' slewfoot if you allow it. But I've also learned that it is "not by power, not by might but by My Spirit. Says the Lord." And that  in our Word it says (Luke 15:4-6)"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.'  Whenever we go through trials or are in a "valley" experience - we can feel abandoned, lost, hopeless. But all those things are lies. He said "He would never leave nor forsake us." And we can trust in Him because if it wasn't true - He wouldn't have said it. I guess this is where we learn that we are not to go by "our feelings." For me that is not an easy thing to do. I'm emotional and don't have a fake bone in my body. Don't know how to be otherwise... but I have to trust that God is in control. Nothing surprises Him.

The other thing this has shown me - is that I have taken a hard good look at myself and I realize that things need changing. Life is short. I always knew that - but NOW I REALLY KNOW that. Life is a gift. No more "wishing, and wanting." No more "settling." I'm looking within myself and asking God about the things that need changing in my life. If you have been in a prodigal stage in your walk - maybe this is a good time to ask God WHY. Why you have made the choices you have? What is it about you that needs changing? And to remember to say to Him - "Lord, I don't have the ability to change it myself. I need YOU to do it." Who understands us better than our Father? Maybe He is just waiting for us to "give it to Him." Realize that it is too big. That we can't handle it. To admit that we don't "know how?" I remember doing this when I was in college - just getting quiet before the Lord and saying, "Lord - I keep tripping over the same problem. WHY? Help me to see the lack in ME and what "we" can do to deliver me from it and heal me." When I reached that point - where I was willing to admit that I could do nothing about it - He showed me what the problem was and helped me to be strong enough to finally "pass this spiritual course." So that I could move on to the next one. But the difference was, I had to be willing to let Him. I had to reach a point of giving it to Him totally. How ironic that I would find myself - 22 years later - having to do that again? Self examine myself. Oops I thought I had been doing that every day. I'm not a baby Christian any longer - I know my Word. I've grown and matured so much in the 22 years I've been saved. Haven't I Lord? Hmmmm you know - we will always have room for growth and change. Its when you don't think you need to that you are really in a dangerous place. Or when your eye is soooo critical of "others" that you are so busy concerning yourself about their walk that you lose focus on YOUR OWN. (Yes I did type that! - ducking down under my desk... peeking my bald head out slowly to make sure its safe...)

One thing I have learned is that I don't want to wait to live life anymore. I want to live it. FULLY. And I intend to... Walking by the mirror - stopping, looking at the girl I see in the reflection... Yep... She's baaaaaaccccckkkk. See that glint in her eye?  And as my almost five year old son says "Mummy I love your cute bald head..." Okay, so I may look like Telly Sevalas or maybe like Uncle Feister (sp?) or maybe like a Genie out of their bottle... But you know - its only for a season... I guess I'm physically "total transparent" now before the Lord.  I'm okay with that...