I saw a quote today that made me think... It said "Just be true to who you are." It made sense to me. So often we spend time "worrying about what others think." You know - I'm NOT saying that doesn't matter to some degree, but you can't get all "wound up about it." Because the truth is - people will think whatever they want to, regardless of what you do. We've all heard the saying - "You can please some of the people some of the time..."As a Christian I believe that if we are honestly asking the Lord to change the things within us - He Will. All we have to be is open to it. There are times will He will change things within us right away, and times when He may decide it will take longer... Maybe He wants us during those times that take longer to really understand what it is He is changing, what brought us to that point.
I was making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for my kids today and it just occurred to me. Maybe we are like those cookies... If we rush whatever it is God is trying to do within us we will come out "half-baked." (LOL). Cookie dough taste good - I'm sure of that we can all agree - but a fresh outta the oven - hot, slightly brown chocolate chip cookie oozes with a flavor that is incomplete when it is "just the dough" itself. Maybe we should let God do whatever it is that He is trying to do with us, instead of playing "tug of war."
If I've said it once - I've said it a thousand times - I don't have all the answers... And I don't think we were meant to "have" all the answers during this journey called life... That it's "okay" not have all the answers. So don't beat yourself up over it. There is a song that we use to sing in Church the words go like this: "In His time, in His time (in your time Lord) God makes all things beautiful in His Time. Lord my life to You I bring, may each song I have to sing. Be to You a special thing. In His time..."
I've just completed 16 rounds of radiation - the last part of my treatment against the breast cancer I was diagnosed with last June. The cancer was removed with a lumpectomy I had last July. I was "cancer-free" but because I had "one bad node" I had to undergo four months of chemotherapy. Everything I thought was "me" has been stripped from me. My eyebrows were gone, my hair (is gone - that is a wig), my eyelashes. Anything that made ME feel outwardly beautiful. Not only did I have to contend with a deadly disease - but also it stripped from me anything I might have been "prideful" of. It took away my self confidence. But I'll tell you something the Lord gave me a year before my diagnosis. He gave me the saying that "Sexiness is an attitude one wears. It is NOT a weight, it is NOT a style. It is NOT a look. It's WHO YOU ARE on the INSIDE. That confidence shines through better than anything you could do to your outward appearance. It is what is on the inside that radiates on the out." He gave that saying and that confidence to me a YEAR BEFORE my diagnosis. Why? Because He knew I would need to remember it when I stood in front of my mirror - bald, looking literally like what I was - a "cancer patient." But here is the thing. That is NOT WHO I AM. It never was. When I saw the quote today "Just be true to who you are." I thought of myself. I thought of what this has done to my marriage. I thought of the fact that other than my mother, my best friend in KY, a hand full of friends and an online Pink Community that has kept me from despair - that I could have become a bitter person through this experience. I went through emergency visits and treatments by myself. I did not have a husband by my side who called me every night or went through emergency visits with me. I envied those women that DID have that kind of support. But I realize that no one is perfect. Not one of us. We all have our issues and things we are dealing with. When I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Early Stage Breast Cancer it not only affected ME - but my whole family. And it is easy to forget that it has not only been "about me." Or affected "only me." But my husband, my kids, my family and those close to me as well. I thought of changes that are occurring - outwardly in my life as well as inside me. I am more humble, less quick of judging. I also see the beauty around me in each day. Quietly I feel sorry for the people I see around me who are caring more about what other people think of them - then what they think of their selves. They will always be striving to live for, or please other people. Instead of looking to the Lord or within themselves for what they need and who they are.
I don't know the whole picture yet - of my life. But I trust that He will make it into something beautiful. Who are you trying to please? Maybe its time to re-evaluate and chew on that for a while... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding... In all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make straight your path..." (Acts 20:24)
My eyebrows are back. I have baby eyelashes. My hair is growing like a "chia pet's" (LOL). I am not the same woman I was 7 months ago. I am only half way through the last part of my treatment - 17 more treatments of radiation to go through. And then I have to figure out how to put the "fear" of reoccurence to the back of my head. Otherwise it will "taint" the beauty in the days God has given me. Hang over my head like a pendulum. I won't let it. I won't live my life in fear. I have learned that NONE of us are promised tomorrow. I praise God for this second chance and I willingly admit that "He is not done with me yet." I'm still figuring out the rest as I go.
And you know what - that's okay!
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