Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You

"I Just Called to Say - I LOVE YOU!" (Come on, Sing it with Me!)

Hi!!!! How are YOU? Long Time No See... Been Thinkin' 'Aboutcha...

It's Friday and I'm in between meetings... Time to blog. I got some sad news this week - that a friend I cared a great deal about passed away unexpectedly.  I hadn't talked to him in a couple of months - life happened, it got busy.  He was so young... He was so full of life.  Once again I realized how none of us is promised tomorrow. I've been filled with such sorrow at his loss and mad at myself that I let so much time go by without checking on him... It seems all so surreal that he is gone. How is it that life goes on? The sun rises, it sets, life just continues going on as if it hasn't lost a beat... But it has - it has lost one really sweet, super fantastic human being. By no means perfect - for who of us is?  I can't pretend Patric (Sean) didn't exist - but I guess what I can do is celebrate his life.  Remember him.... And also remember to check on people I haven't spoken with in a while - pick up the phone and say - "Hey! You were on my mind, you okay? How's life?"

It is so easy to get caught up in our own situations. The Bible tells us that "We are many members but we are ONE in the body of Christ."  I think we forget that. I know I do. I think because I type 95 wpm I must be a "finger" and what good is a finger without the palm? Or the palm without the wrist? We need each other.  We can act like we don't - but we DO.

I'm not ashamed to say that it is easy to feel alone in a room crowded with people. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I remember having problems with my cell phone and having to go to Sprint and the nearest one was in a mall, and it felt like everyone was going in super fast motion - like in a movie, everyone except me. And I thought - here I've just been diagnosed with this God awful disease and feel like my life has halted and everyone else is "getting ready for their weekend" it was (and is) an awful feeling. To feel like you are in a "sub-category" kinda like all of a sudden you've developed leprosy and your on the "outskirts" of society.... (Thank God for the Pink Society, which made me feel as though I wasn't alone).

How many people that we associate feel the same way? In an inner-agony that no one sees because they "think that individual is soooooo strong." That person isn't strong - they just *hide it better then most.*  Thank God for a God who is compassionate. Who is slow at anger. I think the crowds followed Jesus because of the love He showed.  He LISTENED. He CARED. He HEALED.  He LOVED.  He loved societies most unlovable people. And if He is the same today as He was yesterday as He will be tomorrow - why is it that it is so hard for US who know our Word to walk in it. To show it.  To believe it  - first for ourselves and then for others.  Hmmmmmm makes you think doesn't it?  It sure is making ME think.

Maybe after you read this blog - you will think of one person you haven't spoken to in a while and will reach out and contact that them. Let them know you care.  Smiles ARE contagious and you never really know how much your doing so will effect and maybe change the course of that individuals day... It could be a difference in any decisions they make about their own lives... Just by showing you care....  Not one of us is promised tomorrow, so how 'bout showing someone TODAY that they're important? That they are NOT alone? That God loves them....A song we use to sing in church went like this: "Give and He'll give it back to you press down, shaken together running over back in good measure... He'll give it back to YOU."  If you're in a slump yourself, maybe the person you reach out too - will actually make it BETTER for YOU! Think about it...

What exactly IS good enough?

The doctors all tell me I should cry. But I am like a faucet that you turn on and the water doesn't come out.  All you hear is the "squeek" of the metal as you try to turn the water on.... They tell me that with all I have gone through in the last year... Breast cancer, chemotherapy, emergency room visits, a marriage that has fallen a part, fighting for my life, loneliness.... That I should cry. But I can't.  I just CAN'T.  Why is that?  I've wondered that a lot lately - but I think the truth is that if I start crying - I don't know that I'll ever stop.

I thought that chemotherapy was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. But what has actually been worse - is the devastation I see of my life from all that has happened over the last year.  You see - when you go through chemotherapy - they give you premedication that makes you sleepy. That keeps you from feeling overly nauseous.  But after treatment - the pain of all that has occurred is raw. Its numbing, its mind blowing.  And all of a sudden you don't have physicians, oncologists, nurses, radiologists all around you.  You're no longer a "specimen on a petri dish."  You're standing there by yourself and for the first time YOU FEEL THE PAIN. The emotional pain is worse then the actual physical pain itself.  The awareness of the people who have shown not to be your family or your friend because a lot of people don't know how to "deal" with what you went through. And there you are picking up the pieces of your life.  Wondering how you go on from there.  You're not the same person you were before cancer and you certainly don't know the fullness of the person you've become... You only know that your bs meter has no "pre screening" that you look at people who complain about tiny little nonsensical things and you want to say - "REALLY???" "Really???!!!"  And all the things that you had before put on the back burner of your life - have come front and center because you realize you JUST CAN'T GO BACK.  You can't.  And its not a question any more - its just you know you can only go forward - only you don't KNOW what forward is.  And your life feels overwhelmed with fires that you are trying to stamp out with your bare feet. And the tiredness is worse then the tiredness that came with chemo - because its no longer a physical tiredness - but an emotional one....

You feel like God isn't there. Maybe because of things you've done. Maybe because what you've experienced in your life isn't all "cut, dry and clean" like many of your brothers and sisters in Christ like to act like it SHOULD be.  Why is it that some brethern take such "pleasure" in the fact that you're struggling? Does it give them a sense of powerfulness? Why are there so many of us Christians HURTING in the church? And afraid to talk about it because fear of judgement FROM OUR OWN body of Christ?  And so we quietly stew in our own pain, not certain how to get close to God again.  Forgetting that "He knows our thoughts before we even think them." Forgetting even that during the time when WE FELT GOOD and WORTHY that we never really were???! Not one of us have ever been WORTHY. It is only through the blood of Jesus that ANY of us are able to come up to the cross.  I was reminded of that tonight.  That there is NO good enough.  That is only through the blood of Jesus that I can boldly go before His throne.  And so on top of everything I pray - "Father - forgive me. Forgive me for way back when things felt good and felt right before You that somewhere in my head I must have felt as though I was "good enough" but I am a work in progress. It is only by Your strength, Your grace, Your mercy that I can stand before YOU at all.  Maybe its the realization of that that will draw me closer to You.  For I can do nothing in and of myself.  It HAS to be You. It always has been YOU.  Forgive me for not seeing that until now.  I can NEVER be GOOD enough. But I don't have to be. Because YOU ARE.  Thank you Father.  In Jesus name I pray.

Amen.