I thought that chemotherapy was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. But what has actually been worse - is the devastation I see of my life from all that has happened over the last year. You see - when you go through chemotherapy - they give you premedication that makes you sleepy. That keeps you from feeling overly nauseous. But after treatment - the pain of all that has occurred is raw. Its numbing, its mind blowing. And all of a sudden you don't have physicians, oncologists, nurses, radiologists all around you. You're no longer a "specimen on a petri dish." You're standing there by yourself and for the first time YOU FEEL THE PAIN. The emotional pain is worse then the actual physical pain itself. The awareness of the people who have shown not to be your family or your friend because a lot of people don't know how to "deal" with what you went through. And there you are picking up the pieces of your life. Wondering how you go on from there. You're not the same person you were before cancer and you certainly don't know the fullness of the person you've become... You only know that your bs meter has no "pre screening" that you look at people who complain about tiny little nonsensical things and you want to say - "REALLY???" "Really???!!!" And all the things that you had before put on the back burner of your life - have come front and center because you realize you JUST CAN'T GO BACK. You can't. And its not a question any more - its just you know you can only go forward - only you don't KNOW what forward is. And your life feels overwhelmed with fires that you are trying to stamp out with your bare feet. And the tiredness is worse then the tiredness that came with chemo - because its no longer a physical tiredness - but an emotional one....
You feel like God isn't there. Maybe because of things you've done. Maybe because what you've experienced in your life isn't all "cut, dry and clean" like many of your brothers and sisters in Christ like to act like it SHOULD be. Why is it that some brethern take such "pleasure" in the fact that you're struggling? Does it give them a sense of powerfulness? Why are there so many of us Christians HURTING in the church? And afraid to talk about it because fear of judgement FROM OUR OWN body of Christ? And so we quietly stew in our own pain, not certain how to get close to God again. Forgetting that "He knows our thoughts before we even think them." Forgetting even that during the time when WE FELT GOOD and WORTHY that we never really were???! Not one of us have ever been WORTHY. It is only through the blood of Jesus that ANY of us are able to come up to the cross. I was reminded of that tonight. That there is NO good enough. That is only through the blood of Jesus that I can boldly go before His throne. And so on top of everything I pray - "Father - forgive me. Forgive me for way back when things felt good and felt right before You that somewhere in my head I must have felt as though I was "good enough" but I am a work in progress. It is only by Your strength, Your grace, Your mercy that I can stand before YOU at all. Maybe its the realization of that that will draw me closer to You. For I can do nothing in and of myself. It HAS to be You. It always has been YOU. Forgive me for not seeing that until now. I can NEVER be GOOD enough. But I don't have to be. Because YOU ARE. Thank you Father. In Jesus name I pray.
Amen.
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