The Pathway

I was walking down a path on an otherwise unremarkable day, when I came to a bend which led me to a fork in the road.

I stopped. I hesitated. I contemplated.

Knowing fully well which pathway I should choose...

To my left  - a familiar, well-worn path, predictable, more of the same on which I had already tread, a ho-hum kind of travel, familiar and reliable yet unexciting and if more of the same - tedious.

To my right - a path that drew my attention by its intoxicating scent of blossoms.  Its pathway surrounded on both sides by  long rows of weeping willow trees with such thick branches they formed an arch as far as the eye could see; and oh how they swaying in the wind as if to entice me. 

 “Come, girl… Come down our way.”

I hesitated again.  Should I stay on familiar, unchanging ground or dare I step upon this beautiful path of unfamiliarity?

Tucked deep within the bows of one of the Weeping Willows, hung a  small, wooden white painted  sign, whose letters had been painstakingly engraved with a wood burning tool; carefully created  with the precision and care which only a feminine hand would have taken the tedious time to do. It read, “Private Way.”

The sign was clearly meant to dissuade, yet caused within me the opposite effect.

“You have no business going down that other road. Don’t do it.” A quiet stern little voice whispered in my head. “Don’t do it. Stay on the pathway of familiarity. It is your safest bet.”

“What can the harm be?” I scoffed, stamping my foot.  “I deserve to walk down this pathway. How splendid it is and I can't help but wonder where it leads? Perhaps it is even a short cut?  I’m sure it will be fine.  An adventure, what harm will be done?”

With that my decision was made.  I took a bold if not rebellious step onto the path. 

Sheer heaven…

Each step lovelier than the next, my heart felt full.  My well-worn shoes did the pathway a dishonor. Leaving me no other choice...  Feeling somewhat naughty, glancing quickly around me, I knelt down and removed my dusty shoes and socks and lowered my bare toes down into the springy velvety softness of green grass which cupped around my feet lovingly.

“Ohhhh…” I sighed.  What harm would a moment of rest do? I lay back looking up a the blueness of the partially seen sky between high treetop limbs.  Allowing my palms to face down so my fingers could caress the softness of the dark earth beneath them.  How heady and captivating were the fragrant flowers lining the way;  turning only my head to admire the breathtaking view I wonder what lay beyond the horizon? Could there possibly be any sight more splendid than this? Rising back up, I felt light-footed and danced along the pathway, skipping in and out and around the long trunks of the trees giddy at the thought of more to come.

Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! My pathway! Made in love for ME, meant for ME! For my feet alone.  Mine to cherish! Mine to love. Mine to adore! Mine to walk!

So enchanted and self-involved was I that I did not see along one side, a woman’s straw hat flung and forgotten, off in the grass - or the initials of a couple, encircled in a heart engraved upon the trunks of one of the trees.

On I went, following this oh so splendid path. The longer I trod upon it the more I wanted to continue.  Before long, the sun began to set, and I wrapped my arms around my chest beginning to feel cold. Cold and very much alone. Rubbing my arms, I hesitated for the first time. Looking far ahead, I could see way in the distance a stone cottage, with a warm yellow light shinning from its windows.  How lovely, I thought as it came closer and closer into view.

To my surprise a very robust, unattractive and heavy set woman flew out of the house. Indeed, if not for her voice, I would have thought she was a he. 

"What are you doing on our pathway? Did you not see the sign?"  She said furiously.  Eyeballing me with contempt her hands furled tight in fists. An angry tick twitching within her right cheek.

"You have defiled it! You had NO business continuing on property that is not yours."  The more she looked at me, the angrier she got. "What business have you here?"

I glanced behind me at the way I had come.  Thought about the day I had experienced, looked back at the pathway I had come to love, and realized, no answer I gave her would suffice.

"I have none," I admitted honestly. "I just happened upon the way, and noticed this lovely, lovely path...without giving it much thought - I took it."

She looked incredulous for a moment. Spittle forming on the outside corners of her lips. "Lovely way?"  She said. "Lovely way???"  She looked behind me at the path as though she was trying to see what I saw.  "This way has not been lovely in many a year! It has been a hard pathway.  A relentless pathway, and exhausting pathway.  I have had to beat weeds down. What once was lush and vibrant and full has become hard and unforgiving and unyielding.  I have tried to grow many a vegetable upon this soil - yet it has withered and died. It has become cold and hard and unyielding...Yet this pathway has been mine since I was 18. I know every grain of its soil.  For 38 years it has been mine. I know its every mood. It is MINE not yours and I will not allow you to come prancing down the way as if you owned it. You do not, no matter what you may think." "

Listening to her I stood astonished, my mouth gaping.  How could she not see what I saw?  The land she described was not that of which I stood upon.  It was lush and green and vibrant and seductive.   Calling my name like a lover - tempting me to become one with it over and over again.

She stood defiantly facing me. Braced for war. A fight I could not win. I had only known this pathway for a short while - she had known it for years.  I did not see what she saw - and I actually felt sorry for her because somewhere along the way, she lost the ability to see the beauty in the path.  Her perspective had changed. Her appreciation for it had grown cold. I did not see what she saw before her and yet she was right.  It was not my pathway.  It did not belong to me. It belonged to her.  There was nothing I could say.  I hated her at that moment. Hated her because she had everything I wanted and I wanted to stay there.  Make her be gone! It was my pathway! Created for ME in love. Mine to walk, mine to enjoy, mine to cherish, mine to love! - Yet it wasn't.  The pathway belonged to her.  I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay!  Yet, it wasn't mine.

Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a paper.  "You see?" She said shoving her big man size hand under my nose for me to see it.  "Proof! Proof that this is MY pathway. Not yours. So be gone!"

I had no words. For what could I say?  She smiled an ugly smile, turned around and headed back through the door of which she came. I heard the door slam behind her.

Reaching down to caress the mossy ground, I was at a loss for words.  It seemed like it should be mine. It felt like it should be mine.  Yet proof stood within the walls of that house that it was not. The sorrow I felt was immense. It filled my soul. Turning around I didn't know which way to go. Should I go back the way I came? Yet I could not. Should I go forward? How? I only knew that I could not remain in front of that house for fear she would come out again.  How could she not see the beauty I saw? The love I felt? It was all around me. How could I be without it?  Yet as long as she remained, she was proof that it was not mine.  This most beautiful and gifted pathway.  How could years be spent upon it not relishing in the lusciousness of it? When had her eyes dulled? Or perhaps she had never seen it for what it was. How very sad...

Sighing, I dusted off my hands and continued forward finally understanding the weeping willows lining the way.

Amazing Grace... You cannot hide from God.

There is no joy in feeling like a prodigal.  You feel like you have a big "P" engraved on the front of your chest.  Your peace is gone and you feel as though you have lost direction.  You want to talk to God, but you are ever aware of  your sins before you. It is as if  you have allowed yourself (at your own choosing) to enter into a maze - and looking back at it, not even understanding WHY you allowed yourself to wander off the pathway and enter into a maze of confusion (which by the way is *not* of God).  As you walk further into the maze you feel disoriented.  No matter how you try to examine your actions, you cannot pinpoint what it is that made you decide to venture in.  Or even worse - how to get out.  You try talking to God - but all you hear is your voice echoing off the walls of the maze.  The loneliness is stifling.  Round and round you go - ending up in sections that you have already been...

What keeps you from hearing from God? Your own imperfections and sins and sorrows and disappointments in yourself which every time you try and listen to God - drown out the Holy Spirit by raising their volume louder and louder in an accusatory manner. The shame and disgrace and yes, maybe there is something that you are clinging to that you don't want to let go off.  Maybe the fear of letting "go" is what makes you grip whatever it is you are gripping all the tighter.

I think of the story of the Prodigal son and I understand it.  He was full of himself. Maybe he felt as if is father had too tight a reign on him. Maybe he felt as if he was "missing out on life" and he wanted to go out into the world and experience ALL there was to experience.  So his father (knowing the mistake he was making, but knowing that love includes allowing someone to have free will) allowed him to go.  How hard that must have been for the father?  As parents we want only the best for our children, we want to protect them, keep them safe, but sometimes our children learn best by experiencing "life lessons." And the best (and hardest) thing we can do for them - is to let them go. Praying and hoping that God will keep them and draw them closer to Him.

Maybe there is a point in our walk with God where He allows us to make mistakes to learn by them. Although perhaps He would rather we wouldn't "take the hard route" but perhaps He knows that we will learn so much more about His grace, His love, His mercy if instead of "jerking us back" He allows us to have those "prodigal" experiences in our lives... Maybe He knows that through the pain of being a prodigal it will bring us a deeper understanding of what God did for us, what He gave up for us, How He loves us and maybe also - that we ALL fall short the glory of God.  It is only through His shed blood on the cross that has made a way for us to come before Him.

Some mazes are deeper and wider than others.  I think they are made up of our own creation, our own situations. Some walls are higher than others.  What is your wall? What is your maze? Do you feel as though you are wandering all alone?  Even within my own situation - I can say that I know that although I don't "feel it" I know that God is not far away.  Like a parent teaching a child to walk - I know His arms are there to catch me - should I call out to Him. The enemy would have you believe that you are so far gone that God cannot reach you - but that is a lie.  God loves YOU.  He made YOU.  He knows every hair on YOUR head. In spite of how you got to where you are. In spite of whatever your "prodigal" situation is - it has come as no surprise to HIM.  How could it when He knows your thoughts before you even think them? (Psalms 139:2). He hears the mutterings you mutter as you contemplate your situation and walk through your maze.  He knows your heart. There is nothing that comes as a surprise to Him.  (Although things *may* surprise you).

How hard was the journey home for the Prodigal son?  His sins were ever before him.  What he learned, the sorrows he experienced.  The Bible doesn't tell us how long that "trip back home" took him - how he must have played over and over in his head all the shameful things he had experienced. How many times did he want to turn around and go in the opposite direction of home feeling such shame?  How long that road must have felt.  He wasn't the same person as before he had left. How long that road must have seemed back.  The Bible tells is in Luke:15 that he expected just to return home and be hired on as one of his father's servants. He didn't feel the "right" to be his son anymore. How surprised he must have been when upon that journey back home his father filled with compassion - while his son was STILL along way off - came running out to him.  Running out to him.  How humble the son must have felt? I imagine he broke down in tears, as he felt his father's arms around him. This was not the same "cocky" son who ventured out into the world with his inheritance in his back pocket.  The life lessons he learned would have stayed with him all the days of his life and changed him to his very core.

I do not profess to have all the answers, my maze has been of my own building and I walked into it of my own accord (and that I say not as excuse, but as a fact). But I know WHO does have all the answers. I don't think it pleases God that we allow ourselves to become prodigals - but I think that God knows us better than we know ourselves and maybe He allows us to go through prodigal moments because He knows in the end He will be glorified and He knows that we will use what we have experienced to help someone else. 

The prodigal son experienced more than his father ever wanted him to experience.  I wonder sometimes if he shared what he had gone through with his father. If his father had listened quietly and cried silently as his son relayed his experiences that his father never intended for him to experience. Probably though, the son was too ashamed to even voice what he had gone through. Although the results of those experiences would have clearly changed him from how he had been before.  I wonder if through the lessons the son had learned he was able to impart wisdom to others he came in contact with upon his return and through his experiences, help keep someone from going through all he had been through...

If you are feeling as if you have allowed yourself to become a prodigal - it is important to know this.

God still loves you. He hasn't stopped.  Although your own sins, mistakes and short comings may make you feel as though God doesn't love you anymore - He does! Don't allow yourself to sink in the mire of your situation and feel as though you are all alone.  It is easy to feel that way. It is easy to feel hopeless and lonely and as though no one understands.  That is one of the biggest tricks of the enemy.  You are NOT a prodigal - you are a child of the Utmost High God.  He sees you - you are not hidden from Him.  Although through your situation you may feel as though you are all alone and that nobody understands or cares - but GOD DOES.  Call out to Him.  You are not hidden from Him.  The Bible tells (Romans 8:38-39) For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It doesn't matter what other people think - sometimes people are quick to judge. But they haven't walked in your shoes. The only thing that matters is what God thinks.  Stop worrying about other people. God looks at your heart.  He is holding your precious face in His hands.  He is looking deep into your eyes and He is saying, "I love YOU. Child you are MINE."  He sees you, really sees you - through your imperfections, your faults and ALL.  He loves YOU unconditionally.  He is the ONLY One who can stand you back onto your feet.  Wipe off the grime of your maze and put you onto the path He has for you.  Stop listening to all the noise going on in your head.  Stop listening to the judgments and opinions of others. What matters is what HE thinks, what HE says what He wants.  Sometimes part of the problem we have is that we have to much noise going on in our heads and it drowns out what God is trying to tell you. When you are ready to listen, He will take you by the hand and direct you out of the maze and set your feet upon the pathway He alone has designed for you. Because the steps of the righteous are indeed ordained by HIM. (Psalms 37:23).  And note that it doesn't say "some" of the steps.  It is "all."   Even in the "midst" of a "maze" experience - that I think is "amazing."

Perspective - What's Yours?

Maybe it is time to change the way you think? Alter your perspective?

Have you ever noticed how your "perspective" on something can effect every part of your life?  Kind of like dunking a tea bag in a hot cup of steaming water.  How you "view" something flavors every aspect - not just one... your mood, your day, how you feel about yourself, how you feel about others...  Just to name just a few...

What shade of "perspective" life glasses are YOU wearing? And is what you are viewing through them *really* what lays ahead?  Maybe with this new year it is time to think about "changing your perspective." Take off those ol' negative life glasses and put on a new pair.  Maybe make a checklist of the things you want to change in your life and then slowly examine how you can go about checking them off. Make a change...  Change is not easy, but I have found that nothing worth anything is...

I recently had a (non-cancer related) surgery at the suggestion of my oncologist.  It was suppose to be an "easy" in and out surgery - and while the surgery went well, I had complications which put me in the hospital for six days.  This was *not* in my plans of how to start the New Year.  As I lay in the hospital, I found myself thinking about life and how precious it is.  How we simply wake up every morning feeling as though "we are owed today."  The truth is - we are NOT.  Each day IS a gift and we often forget that. Here I was, in the hospital not knowing when I would get out, grumbling at this turn of events. All I could think about was how much of a total inconvenience and screw up this was to the start of my New Year.  Then I overhead a conversation a doctor was having with my hospital roommate, who had lung cancer, HIV, blood clots and oh so many other health problems. It kind of made my problems seem so trivial, and I realized how much I needed to change my perspective...

Life is a series of lessons. What are you learning about yourself? Or are you so focused on someone else's short comings that you haven't taken the time to examine or consider your own? (Hmmmmmm....)  Over the last 4 years of my life I have realized again and again that it truly is nothing but God's grace, mercy, forgiveness and love that keeps me going. I have realized that there are so many things I need to change about ME and that I could *never* play judge or be critical of someone else.  The truth is that unless you walk in someone else's shoes you have NO idea what it is they are going through.  Man looks at the outward appearance - God looks at the heart.  Maybe that is where compassion comes in? My lifestyle may be so different then someone else's and I *may* not agree with someone else's life style - but it is *not* for me to judge.  It is God's job. When I look back on my life prior to being a Prodigal, I can see that how I meant to live - in love may have come off as judgmental to someone else and I truly think that is why God allowed me to go through humble experience after humble experience to show that how I was living was not showing compassion and love I had thought... The Bible tells us "that our righteousness is as filthy rags."  My perspective has changed.  Not my faith, not God's word - but my own perspective about ME and how God wanted me to view other people.  I have found that through the change in my perspective I am able to love people more.  I am able to listen better.  I am able to pray more effectively.  I am able to walk in love.  Not compromising my faith or my own lifestyle - but with a better understanding of others.

Are you walking in love?  Are you walking in forgiveness?  Are you walking humbly or are you strutting down the streets of your life, as if YOU own the whole road?  It only takes one unexpected thing to make you realize  how precious life is... How about not putting off those changes you've been considering? Working towards them? Knowing that you "can teach" an old dog new tricks - it just may take a longer amount of time.  But in the long run, it really is so worth it... It truly is...

Christmas Reflections

How quickly Christmas present becomes Christmas past...

That was the realization I had as I lay on the sofa watching "A Christmas Carol" which for me, has become a Christmas tradition I made for myself years ago.  It was my father's favorite Christmas movie, and so I try and honor his memory by ending Christmas with a watching of this incredible tale.  The hustle and bustle of preparation for Christmas has come to an end.  The Christmas gifts have all been distributed, the food prepared for celebration is now wrapped away as "leftovers" inside of the refrigerator.  Christmas present has now become another Christmas past.  And as the Spirit of Christmas Past had Ebenezer Scrooge revisit his past, I found myself joining him on his journey as I thought about that of my own...

The real gifts of Christmas are not those store bought items that lay now open and unwrapped under the tree.  The true gifts of Christmas are those you can't buy in a store.  If you reflect upon your own Christmas' past perhaps your "gifts" will differ from my own.  But the first gift of Christmas I opened tonight in the quiet aftermath of the holiday was that of "Gratitude."  I found myself thinking about how wonderful a Creator we have who has bestowed so many gifts upon us.  In this busy day and age it is easy to take so much for granted, if not for the "taste buds" He created us with, we would not be able to enjoy the wonders and delight of "flavors" of all the wonderful dishes that we work so hard to create for the holidays or the fact that we have the means to partake in those wonderful dishes - either by making them ourselves or partaking in the celebration by invitation of someone else who has created dishes for us.

With such busy lives, many of us get caught up with the thought of problems, situations, or worries even -  that we don't take the time to reflect on the things that truly matter.  It is not until something causes us to pause and reflect that we slow down enough to quiet ourselves and *really* see the blessings of the season.  In doing so, we often miss out on the true Spirit of Christmas and how we can apply it not only once a year, but all year long to our current lives.  What gifts are you carrying forward with you from this Christmas which is quickly becoming a thing of the past?

If you were surrounded by friends, family and loved ones - you are more fortunate than some. Life changes in a heart beat and we never know what tomorrow will bring - or whom it will take away.  We tend to think that life is "owed" to us.  We forget how fragile it is, we and those we love are not promised tomorrow and while we shouldn't live in the fear of what tomorrow will bring, we should show those we love *today* just how much they are loved and appreciated so that when our today becomes a thing of the past, we will know that those we love who have not been given the gift of tomorrow will have known how much we loved them. That same Creator who was thoughtful enough to create us with "taste buds" also created us with a very special gift that is our own "internal camera" called "Memory."  And in looking back at my Christmas' past I am able to once again be with loved ones whose "tomorrows" have at one point come to an end.  I am able to recall, smile and revisit my Christmas' past with them through those remarkable times, which allows them through those memories to become a part of the present, especially when I am able to share the "memory of them" with those gathered around me.  How wonderful a gift to be able to reflect upon and share.

The second gift I opened tonight in post-celebration reflection was "Humility." As Ebenezer was shown by the Spirits all his short comings and sins and how it not only affected himself but those around him. I found myself looking back at the passing year, the lessons I've learned and the things within myself which need changing. Although we cannot change what has occurred in the past we can apply what we've learned to the present with the hopes that such changes will make for a better future (should we be given one). What have you learned looking back at this year that has also almost become a thing of the past? What will you take with you? What will you toss aside?  What will you do differently in the year to come?  These are all things I contemplate as Christmas present comes to a close and we prepare to say goodbye to not only another Christmas season, but to close the books on yet another year that will now be looked upon as another contribution to history.

There is one last gift that comes to mind, and in my opinion it is the one that perhaps is the most important gift of all... That is the gift of love. It was that in which Christmas began.  For John 3:16 tells us:

 "That God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

Love is a gift that is wide reaching, and if we show it with sincerity (even with all of our imperfections) we can have no idea how far reaching it will go.  Once planted those seeds blossom and bloom in ways that we may never had expected it would.  A kind or unselfish gesture that is not self-seeking can be more powerful than anything else on earth.  You never know what someone else is going through or what is happening in their life.  Reflecting on Christmas' past, I have seen in the unselfish gesture of hospitality that my parents innocently extended Christmas' years ago, when I was just a child to people who otherwise had no place to go for the holidays or simply opted to spend the holiday with our family, something that has now over the course of the years become a wonderful tradition and has defined Christmas to me. By extending hospitality to others, who may otherwise have spent such a major holiday alone - in having a celebration of warmth, friendship and love on Christmas Eve - God used my parents (probably to the extent unknown even to them) to abolish loneliness and sadness and depression the lives of people who had no place else to go. They did it not letting their left hands know what their right hands were doing.  They did it not with the expectation of "receiving" anything back.  There is no possible way that they could have known that by simply sharing Christmas with others it would become an annual yearly tradition which blessed not only those who came, but resulted in teaching our family so much.  Guests who came from all walks of life and added such a rich diversity of learning about other cultures and religions as they shared with our family, traditions from their own.  Christmas Eve became like that of a big pot of stew - each guest adding a certain spice to the pot which over the course of the years became so flavor able it become a favorite dish which was more than palpable to all who partook.  Amazingly all those who entered the doors of my parents house, found that they could not only come join in the sharing of Christmas Eve "once" but as Christmas Eve would come the next year, they found themselves coming back time and time again until now it has reached a point, where those very same people are now bringing the next generation of their families over to my parents house, into what has become an annual tradition and for some - the definition of Christmas. Even ten years after the death of my father, my mother has still carried forth the now family tradition year after year.  My brother and I often tease my mother and tell her that she couldn't stop having a Christmas Eve celebration if she wanted to, because people would still "automatically come." This is not because of anything other than the key ingredient that my parents realized was the main ingredient to making the Christmas holiday a successful and full filling one to everyone who decided to share the holiday with us.  Peace on earth, good will to men - the key ingredient to the Holiday, that allows "love" to co-exist past, present and future and that to me, is the gift, which keeps on giving not only one designated day of the year - but all year long.

Reflections....Perceptions... Truth... What do YOU see?

"Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face."
1 Corinthians 13:12

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see your own true reflection? Or is the reflection you see a combination of opinions of how others view you?  Like a fun house mirror is it a distortion of who you are?  And who are you going to believe?

If you were to ask my children to tell you a common saying they grew up with both at home as well as at school, they would probably say in unison "Sharing is Caring."  And with that saying in mind, I'd like to share a lesson I learned today.

Its so simple that I don't know why I am astonished by it.  Why are the simplest of life's lessons so hard to learn?  I guess that question goes right up there with, "Why isn't common sense so common anymore?"

Ready for it?  Are you listening real close?  Listen now, because its so simple a concept it could be missed:

"You cannot put a price on self-respect."





I learned today, that the only power people have over you, is the power YOU allow them to have. Hurt people - hurt people.  Sometimes those "hurt people" don't even realize they're hurt. These are *not* new concepts. Once you realize what perhaps you "always" knew - the situation or people who are trying to cause havoc in your life become deflated.  Lions who roar at you without having any teeth.

Don't allow people to change the perception you have about yourself. 

The Bible says in 2 Timothy Chapter 3: "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— ⁵ having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."

If I was to be completely honest, I would admit that reading the above, I can even see some of my own faults within the context of those verses. Life is full of lessons.

How very opposite from the love scripture:

    1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Maybe the question we should ask ourselves is how do we act? What category do we fit? Are we allowing our circumstances to make us "bitter" or "better?"  And if it is the first - perhaps it is time for us to take a hard long look at ourselves and determine what we can do to change it to the later?

Which do YOU want to become? Because you do have a choice.

I also came to the simple realization that it is true - money cannot buy you happiness. It can buy you things, it can make life easier - but happiness is something that you cannot buy for a price.  You cannot put a price on "a peace of mind."

When I was a camper, we use to have a song that had the words - "Don't put your muck in my back yard - my back yard's full."  Is someone trying to "put their muck on you?"  Or perhaps a better question would be - are YOU letting someone cover YOU with their muck?

You don't have to allow it. The choice is yours....  I chose "ME."

I had reached a point where I didn't even want to be around my own self! Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was.  Then I realized that I was allowing someone to hinder me. I was giving someone power over my life, over my emotions, over my day.  When I finally realized that this was something I didn't have to tolerate, I stood up for myself and all of a sudden all that "muck" fell off my back and I realized that as a Christian, my steps are ordained FOR me.  God has a plan for my life - I just need to be in tune with it.  When God closes one door - He opens another.  Maybe he allows certain circumstances in our lives to occur so that we can realize how dependent we are upon Him? My provision does not come from man - BUT from God.  God can USE man to provide - but the provision comes from Him.  When you have given your life to God - it is not your own anymore. It belongs to Him.

Maybe by putting difficult people in our lives - God is trying to teach us "compassion?" How sad is it when someone has nothing better to do in life but hurt, hinder and make someone else's life difficult? What does that say about the person who does that? What do they gain? How empty must their lives be to have nothing better to do than to hurt someone else? No matter their position, their money - whatever they have - they are no better than the character in the movie "Scrooge."  But what they have meant for evil have God can use for good.  No doors close without God allowing them to close. 

"The steps of the righteous ARE ordained by God." (Even the steps of someone who has/is in a prodigal position making their way back to God).  The journey of our lives are filled with people along the way who God uses to help us grow, and most of the time they don't even know that that is why they have been placed in our lives.  How disappointing it would be for them to know that what they meant for harm has been used to help us spiritually grow?

Maybe that is why Jesus was able to pray for those who persecuted Him? Because He could see BEYOND what it was that they were doing to Him? He felt sorry for them. He knew the whole picture of what was going to happen. They only knew the "here and now." He knew that they were being used to complete His "higher" calling. They were actually used in a way they didn't even realize they would be. What they meant for evil - God was using for the good of mankind.

Times haven't changed... If we can look at those difficult people in our lives and think that no matter how uncomfortable the situation is - God is using it for OUR good. Then perhaps we can feel compassion and sorry for them? To pray for them.  Maybe that is why God tells us to pray for those who persecute us?  Maybe that is why Jesus said on the cross "Forgive them Father for they know NOT what they do."  The world would want us to look at those who hurt us with disdain and hate and curse them and wish them harm.  It would be so easy to fall into that line of thought... But then they would win, wouldn't they?  And what honor would God get? Especially when Jesus was sent to be our example?

I have chosen to do my best (with God's help) to RISE ABOVE IT. And in doing so - I have found peace.  And I laugh in delight at the pleasure I have found in finding the unexpected gift of peace in a situation so unfair and difficult.  Because honestly - the only one who can give such a beautiful gift - is God, and the things you cannot put a price on - self-respect, peace of mind and truth - do NOT come from man, but from God.... I believe they are riches that are far above money and position - which are temporary and can fade away.

I would not trade the peace of God for anything because along with it comes joy and love and those are the things that truly make life worth living.

Maybe...

“Maybe you could sit beside me? Listen...It has taken me a long time to hear it. If you listen closely, maybe you will hear it too...”


“Maybe in the beginning, I bowed to it, and then with amusement, begun to dance with a dramatic spring in my step, an exaggerated dose-do.”

“Maybe it promenaded me with its notes. It cajoled me and seduced, captured my attention and made me want to chase after it. I never felt fear – only fascination. It held my hand like a familiar partner, our fingers entwined and I allowed it to lead me from experience to experience. Learning all the while…”

“Maybe I’d become so comfortable; I’d taken it for granted, expected it to repeat itself over and over again. Like a person who has worn a perfume or cologne for a number of years, and become de-sensitized to the scent, it became part of the fabric of my life. The verses consisted of “routine, habit, and comfort.” Lulled me and became repetitive to the point where maybe I felt entitled.”

“Maybe that is when it happened… Just when I felt entitled, the tune changed. To one I didn’t recognize. The tempo changed and the steps became too fast. The partner holding my hand was a strange one, harsh and cruel. Spinning me around and around till all that was familiar was a blur.”

“Maybe the hand that spun me gripped my fingers in an icy grip so tight it hurt. And I just wanted it to stop. Just TO STOP. But the rhythm had become one I didn’t recognize and at times was so loud I thought my ears would never stop ringing. And I didn’t recognize the steps. And I stumbled over and over again. Feeling lost. Feeling afraid. Feeling alone.”

“Maybe, when the spinning stopped, I no longer recognized my surroundings. I no longer recognized myself… Maybe that is when I began taking pictures… Of myself. To prove to me who “me” was. That I was still “me. The “me” I had always been… The “Me” I am still…”

“Maybe, that is when I felt a new partner take my hand, with a sisterly kind of touch, matching me step by step. Gentle soothing fingers held mine; the notes became lullaby - Taking away the sting of those preceding it and allowing me to work through the steps, responding to every stumble with a firm reassuring grip. Not allowing me to falter. Each step giving me renewed confidence that assured me I was not alone.”

“Maybe, the scenery has changed. But it’s okay. I’m okay…Can you hear it? Listen…. The notes are different now or perhaps they are not… Perhaps it is ME who has changed. I recognize the melody, it's my life song.  It's far from over and if you've listened carefully you've heard the high points and the lows... But there are so many more "highs" then lows.  It has been written by the greatest composer of all.  And while I don't know the ending He does.  He is the conductor of my soul. The Author and Finisher of my faith - the Alpha and the Omega. This song, it was written just for me and while I may not know the next verse - I know the Author of the song and maybe - JUST maybe that is good enough."

What's Cooking? Do You Feel Like it's You?

Have you ever heard the story of Shadrach, Meshack & Abednego? Three very BRAVE men who found themselves in one extremely HOT situation; (not of their own choosing)… How many of us have felt the heat of a situation similar (perhaps in a smaller measure) as that below, and managed to keep our calm and wits about us? The story is taken from the book of Daniel, Chapter 3. There truly is nothing new under the sun that presents itself to us in life. The circumstances may be different, but the pressure of the “cooking pot” of life is STILL the same. Our deliverance, salvation, hope, stability, love – all come from God. When our eyes are focused upon Him, He is the balm that can keep us when otherwise “our goose would be cooked.” We can be confident that although things continuously surprise us – that NOTHING surprises HIM.


Don’t allow the heat of a situation to make you be the main ingredient in a simmering pot. We have to remind ourselves that the victory HAS ALREADY BEEN WON.

He didn’t promise life would be easy…. But He did promise He would never leave nor forsake us through it. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can hold on to. But it shouldn’t be considered an “only” it is what we need. And who knows that any better than “our Creator?” Read Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego’s story as told in Daniel Chapter three below – and think about your own life and let God minister to you right where you are at. His word is the same today, as it was yesterday, as it will be tomorrow.

Daniel Chapter Three

3 King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, sixty cubits high and six cubits wide,[a] and set it up on the plain of Dura in the province of Babylon. 2 He then summoned the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials to come to the dedication of the image he had set up. 3 So the satraps, prefects, governors, advisers, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the other provincial officials assembled for the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up, and they stood before it.

4 Then the herald loudly proclaimed, “Nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do: 5 As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. 6 Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”

7 Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the nations and peoples of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

8 At this time some astrologers[b] came forward and denounced the Jews. 9 They said to King Nebuchadnezzar, “May the king live forever! 10 Your Majesty has issued a decree that everyone who hears the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music must fall down and worship the image of gold, 11 and that whoever does not fall down and worship will be thrown into a blazing furnace. 12 But there are some Jews whom you have set over the affairs of the province of Babylon—Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego—who pay no attention to you, Your Majesty. They neither serve your gods nor worship the image of gold you have set up.”

13 Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, 14 and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? 15 Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”

They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.”

25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!”

So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. 29 Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way.”

30 Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the province of Babylon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I think of the above story, I think about my own life situations.  How "well" or "not so well" I have handled them.  What I learned from them.  As long as we have breath in our bodies we will continue to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.  There is no shame in that... I think we us to call them - "growing pains."

Know to WHOM You Belong...

Feel like You are Fighting a Losing Battle? Just remember Who it is who wrote the rules of the game. That is when you have the authority and power to confidently yell out, "Checkmate!"

If someone were to ask me to sum up what I think would be the most important piece of wisdom I could give, all in one sentence, I would say, "Know to Whom you belong..."

When you Know that you belong to HIM then even in the midst of a battle - you can rest assured that He's got your back.

Sometimes that may be the only peace you have.  Know who has your back.

How did David do it? He knew who had his back.  He knew that he could not fight Goliath on his own strength.  He trusted NOT in himself. But in God. One small man, one big situation.  I'm quite sure he was shaking in his boots - but when he refocused on his situation - he realized that GOD WAS IN CONTROL.  That the battle wasn't his...  

We still have "Goliath moments in our lives."  What should we do with them? Know to Whom you belong...

When God told Noah to build a boat - society laughed at him.  They called him insane.  They mocked him and called him crazy.  I'm sure that had to be a hard thing for Noah to live through.  These were people that had been around him all the days of his life.  But still in the midst of the criticism and in the mocking and I'm quite sure the ostracizing.  Noah stood his ground and DID what it was God told him to do.  He knew WHO he belonged to.

Esther had to go before her husband, the king without having being bidden to do so - the lives and the fate of her people, the Jews rested upon her shoulders. And STILL she went forward.  Why? SHE KNEW WHO SHE BELONGED TO.

Jesus Himself was mocked and falsely accused and falsely judged by the very people He had come to love, to heal, to save.  And YET even HE who could have called down legions upon legions of angels to smite his accusers stayed focused.  Because He knew WHO He was.

All of the above are Biblical examples that prove that things haven't changed AT ALL. So when we find ourselves in situations where we are falsely accused, judged or bullied. We need to bring it to the Father and we need to remember to Whom we belong.

Situations happen that may knock us to the ground.  And there may be times when we feel down for the count.  Where we think - "I can't take it anymore Father. This time I'm down for the count."  Perhaps that is when we feel His arms picking us up from the floor.  Setting us on our feet. Helping us to recognize that the battle is NOT ours - but HIS.  And EVEN if YOU are in a PRODIGAL STATE - and perhaps you are thinking, "maybe on some level I deserve this."  You should know and remember that it is nothing BUT God's grace, His mercy and His love - and THAT alone which saves us.  It is nothing you earn, or do or makes you "good enough" - it is totally by the shed blood of Jesus Christ that has made a way.  You don't "earn" salvation.  

Isaiah 64:6 says, "Our righteous are like filthy rags."

So don't let the enemy beat you down with "you deserve this, look at you - you are not good enough and God has forsaken you."  Isn't that what he tried to tell Jesus when Jesus was having a desert experience? (in Luke  4:1-13). He combated it with the Word of God and that is what WE need to do. Know to Whom you belong.

In 1 Peter 4:12  Peter writes, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."

In other words, Know to Whom you belong.

Sometimes that may feel as that is the ONLY thing you can cling on to.  But it is the MOST important thing. I think when we realize that the battle is not ours. That perhaps that is when we see the true power of God come forth.  Because He knows who YOU belong to. And even MORE than that the price that was paid was the highest price that COULD be paid.  And it wasn't even one that YOU paid yourself.

Thank you Father for Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your mercy, Your love.  Help me to remember WHO I belong to for I know I am not my own. I know that when I feel as if life is out of control, when I have run out of answers I can remember Who it is I belong to and I can turn to You.  And I can trust that as you have promised me, "All things work for the good of those who love the Lord." (Romans 8:28). As was the case with David, Noah, Esther and so many others - including and most importantly Jesus, I can rest assured that YOU are in control.  So for that I will praise and thank you and I will pick myself, dust myself off, step out of the way and allow you to step into the situation and show that the battle is YOURS.  Thank you Lord that in you I stand victorious.  Because I recognize to Whom it is I belong.

In Jesus precious name I thank YOU.

AMEN

Are You Becoming Contagious?

Wherever you are in life - don't let the weeds of worry choke out the joy. Rise above it and allow yourself to bloom and be a blessing. Roses have their thorns but they are NOT their thorns. Lift your face up to the SON and allow yourself to blossom in the manner He created you to. Once you do, you will experience in the midst of whatever storm you are in what it means to have "the peace that passes ALL understanding." It is a daily doing - one that we must practice until it becomes a habit. I'm ready, are you?

Worry, WoRrY, W O R  R Y, WORRY!  Ever notice how worries reproduce themselves in your head?  Maybe you start out with just one teeny weeny concern that leads to another and another and another until they begin to drown out all the good things in your life.  Until they consume you.  Until you can't think about anything else except your next concern.

It can become habitual!  Worries spread!  Worries are contagious!  They can infest your head until they become so big that they are no longer little "nitpick" thoughts but big ol' anxieties that make it difficult for you to even see past them anymore.

For the last few weeks, I have found myself waking up early in the morning with a worry in my head. Believe me when I say it is *not* a fun way to start the day.  This morning, I woke up with a worry - and I decided. NO MORE.  I am not waking up like this ANYMORE.  The best way I know to combat things that I feel I have no control over and am "worried" about is to PRAY.  So today I woke up declaring the Lord's Prayer.

 "This is the day the Lord has made I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!!"

When I said it - it was more like I was commanding myself.  I WILL!  If I have to wrestle a worry to the ground and roll around and straddle it and contain it - I WILL!  As I lay there having this wrestling match with this worry - I got to thinking about Jesus.  The thing I love so much about the Bible is that it is the "living" word.  It may have been written in the past - but it is very much present and useful for today.  The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 1:9  "There is nothing new under the sun."

I'm quite sure the things I worry about are things that other people worry about. And here is the thing about worry - sometimes we spend so much time worrying we spend less time concentrating on what we can do to alleviate the worry.  We give "glory" to the worry!  Have you ever noticed that most of the things that we "worry" about don't even come to pass? Worrying can become an addiction! -And I decided, that that is one club I refuse to become a member of!
Problems are real.  Situations are real. Concerns are real.  I am not "belittling" them- they are all parts of life.  We acknowledge them for what they are, we do our best to work through them and we PRAY about them (put each one into God's more than capable hand) and we learn to release them.  We recognize that there are things that are out of our control. We work on the things we can resolve, we seek help over the things we cannot figure out how to resolve on our own - and we try to have the wisdom to recognize the difference between to the two.  There is a very well known prayer called "The Serenity Prayer."  It goes like this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference."

We all have weaknesses and strengths.  Certain "worries" may  be the results of areas that God is trying to strengthen or teach us.  Skills we need to learn (for instance for me - it is the area of finance). Things we need to work on to better ourselves.  Those things take time.  In a microwave society - such as we live in, we can be impatient especially with ourselves.  Our impatience can expand our worries like someone blowing up a balloon.  Think about it... The worry is a tiny little balloon, but as we put more worry and thought and energy into it, as we get anxious that little flat balloon gathers air in it and gets bigger and bigger and BIGGER and BIGGER!  Until it fills every corner of our life - pushing out all the good things that are there.  There becomes no more room for anything other than that "worry."

I don't want to live like that - do you? I don't want to look back on my life and think, "yep - I lived from worry to worry..." Because guess what??? Problems ARE a part of life.  But they SHOULDN'T BE the main dish!  When I woke up this morning, I realized I've been living worry to worry!  Crossing off worries from my list and moving on to the next one!  Are you doing the same?  It's time to stop.  It's time to take the power back from your worries. And contrary to popular belief a person who is an optimist CAN still be a worrier!

I got to thinking about Jesus' life.  He is suppose to be our example, right? So maybe His life is a good thing to examine.  Here is someone who was born with a calling like NO OTHER.  From day ONE. If anyone had caused to worry - Jesus did.  People were trying to kill Him from the day He was born! Yet from what my Bible tells me - He was filled with peace. He is referred to in the Bible as the ""Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)  If anyone had cause to worry - Jesus did!  But time and time again He would look at people (with wonder it seems) and ask them:

"Why do you worry? Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life. What you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food? And the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-34)

What did Jesus do when He was concerned? His concerns were unselfish - they were about others and not about Himself.  Yet, when He came to the garden of Gethsemane and the worry of the cross weighed Him down - He didn't "sit there worrying." HE PRAYED.  Jesus knew that regardless of what He faced, His Father's will would be done. He was born for a reason. WE were BORN for a reason. As I thought about Jesus, I thought about how He had a purpose.  His life had real concerns. But I can almost bet that Jesus took pleasure and joy in the things in His life too.  He went to weddings, He ate at people's houses.  He played with children. I can bet you that Jesus found enjoyment in life. He never lost focus He kept His eyes on the path before Him. 
He walked in grace, mercy and love. Maybe He's telling US we need to do the same.
This day I am *choosing* not to walk my life in a thick mire of problems and worries - I'm not going to give them any more power than I already have.  I will acknowledge them, and do the best I can to work through them  - but I will NOT allow them to rise up like weeds, wrap their cords around me and choke the enjoyment of life out of me.  I won't let them be my focus on living anymore.

How about YOU?  Will you look back on your life and see it in terms of what you worried about? Or will you look back at your life and see all the sweetness of the things that made life worth living? And all the lessons that you learned because of it?

Don't sit there worrying about - give it to God. Release it. Pray about it. Realize that you are only ONE person. You are human.  There is very little that we have control over in our lives. A lot of our worries are over those that we love. Recognize that as much as YOU love that person - that God loves them more. He created them!  He really does! Give that child that husband that wife that situation to GOD.  He is much more capable of taking care of it than YOU are.  Trust Him.  He has your best interest at heart (and also their's. Here is something for you to remember - you can't out love God!)  Also, remember that sometimes God allows situations to come into our lives to mold us into what He wants us to become.  It's not meant to destroy us.  It's meant to help us grow.  Sometimes our problem is that we fight Him every step of the way.  Like a child dragging their feet as they go. Maybe our situation is one that He is telling us to trust more in Him.  He is our Heavenly Father - remember that we only see in part - but HE sees in full.  He knows SO much more than our little minds do.  We need to trust Him. As those worries come to our minds we need to recognize them, acknowledge them and give them to the One who knows.

He didn't give us life to live "worry to worry."  Life is suppose to be a gift - not a burden.  It's time to live it as such, don't you think? 

The complexity of YOU

YOU.  Three little letters that make up the most complicated word I know.  YOU.
When I put YOU together with ME it creates the most beautiful song ever. It drowns out my worries, my fears the whole rest of the world fades away. All I see is YOU.

Y

O

U

I've been looking for YOU all my life and I didn't even know it and some how YOU found ME.  The recognition, the satisfaction in just knowing YOU is one that I can continuously marvel at.  The complexity of YOU. The magnificience of YOU.  YOU are my favorite book - the one I keep close to my bed and re-read over and over. Delighting in the story of YOU. The shear pleasure of turning the next page learning more about YOU and anticipating the ending. 

YOU are my favorite work of art.  I can stare at YOU for hours with eyes that never tire. I know YOU by heart.  I can visualize YOU with my eyes closed.  To everyone else YOU may just be an "old"throw away picture. But to me YOU are a work of art.  I know every inch of YOU and stand in awe that in my eyes YOU are the mere essence of perfection - faults and all.

YOU are my favorite song - YOU are a symphony of complicated notes that bring me to the edge and push me over.  A well worn album that I play over and over again and find myself humming in the course of a day. YOU are the song that gets stuck in my head.

YOU are North meets South. YOU  are Tony to my Maria. YOU are Rhett to my Scarlet. YOU are Jake to my Elwood. YOU are Belmont to my Casey. YOU are Wyatt to my Josephine. YOU are Romeo to my Juliet... YOU  are my hero AND my villain all in one. YOU are Chicago to my Boston. YOU are the stars, the moon the sky.

YOU are my favorite well worn Teddy Bear that is missing patches of fur, a left buttoned eye and yet still  sits upon my bed. Full of memories of yester-year.

YOU are my favorite recipe - YOU stir up passion and delight and curiosity and satisfaction all within the same dish.

YOU are a thunderstorm that drives me to the brink of crazy! A stubborn mix of thunder and lightening and blinding rain which brings me to the edges of insanity.

I love YOU.
I want YOU.
 I need YOU. 

When YOU and me come together we become "WE."  Which is even more magnificent than "YOU."

Everyone should have a YOU. But in the complexity of WE. I'm glad its ME.

Do YOU Babel? (Yes I Know - I spelled it incorrectly)

Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
 (Proverbs 25:15)

Did you ever play the game “Telephone” as a child? I remember playing this at camp with friends. We’d form a line, and the leader of the line would turn and whisper into the ear of the person beside her a secret and then that person would whisper it into the ear of the person beside her, and so on and so on until it reached the very last person at the end of the line. The person at the end would then turn to everyone and repeat what she had heard. How interesting it was to see that what had been the original “secret” had become distorted into something that the leader had never said – I always was astonished whenever I was at the beginning of the line to hear what the end results were, and then to clarify what the actual secret had been. It was funny as a child playing a game – as a grown up, not so funny.

Can you imagine what the world was like before the saga with the Tower of Babel? (Genesis 11:1-9). If I recall correctly, the people were trying to build a tower that would reach the Heavens. God did not want this to happen, so He confused their language. Can you imagine the chaos? The shock? The surprise? The confusion? And most of all – the astonishment?! Imagine being next to your life-long friend, “Ida” and all of a sudden you can’t understand a WORD she says???? And the results are misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger - when perhaps what was said was meant in love?

I think that we have “Babel” moments continue to happen even in this day and age. You can’t perceive how someone else will receive what you say (or write), because people receive out of their own experience, values and even sometimes – pain. Not everyone thinks the same. You have no idea when you say something how it will be “filtered out” into the mind of someone else, no matter how it is said (and the same goes visa versa). So how do we limit our “Babel” moments? I suppose that is a continuous life lesson. I think sensitivity is key, being non-judgmental as each person’s story is different. God looks at the heart. Man can only look at the “outward appearance.” Sometimes listening is sufficient.

Through my experience being a cancer survivor, my insight upon things has drastically changed from bc (before cancer). I have become more compassionate and less judgmental. I have learned to listen more and speak less. When I talk with other pink survivors (breast cancer survivors), I realize, as I listen, that I am not looking at a mirror image of myself. Each survivor has their own story, their own journey and their own place from which they’ve come. Their experience or the way they cope with the aftermath of their “storm” is no less significant than mine. We are as different in our experiences (and backgrounds) as fingerprints on fingers. Yet we share one thing in common - We’ve all come face to face with a life threatening disease that has changed us in many different ways and in many different aspects of our lives. That is what unites us. Strangers turned into Sisters.

What makes me embrace my fellow pink sister is the fact that we allow each other to feel – whatever we are feeling. There is no right or wrong way. We allow each other to “express” our circumstances however the need is - to rant or rave, to pray, to vent or cry, to laugh or act ridiculously silly. These are a few of the qualities that endear us to each other. There is “NO WRONG OR RIGHT WAY.” We allow each other to FEEL. I think that is something that perhaps others can learn. Our stories are diverse – and yes, there are those “Babel” moments. Where you learn what the scripture means when it says, “To guard your heart.” (Proverbs 4:23) Understanding, compassion, forgiveness, patience and looking outside one’s self is something I think we would all do well to walk in. If I stub my toe, I may “hop around on one foot.” That does not make my pain any less relevant than yours if you’re not a “foot hopper” when you stub your toe. And while I can’t promise that I won’t laugh at how you express your pain ( if you are a friend of mine) I can promise that I will be there to help you through it and make you smile through your tears and certainly try to make you feel better than worse for stubbing your toe in the first place. Smiles and bad moods are contagious. You determine which one you’d rather spread. A smile goes a long, long way…

The Call...

How is it we take so much for granted - until we don't?

Did you see it? The day the world changed?  I saw it! I never believed in "dimensions in time" before that day.  But I remember it so clearly... It happened with just one call.

What is one suppose to do when they get that call.  There is nothing in my repertoire that prepared me for how I should act.  What is the proper etiquette?

I had stepped off the pages of my familiar life into a vortex. 

Can you still see me? 

I am moving in slow motion... Feeling invisible while you go on with your every day life - unscathed.

How can YOU go on like that? Like nothing has changed?  Going about your usual duties... Thinking of your plans, your tasks, your work. How DARE you! Stop! Right NOW!  You are moving so fast - while I am moving in sloooooow motion...

"Helloooooo!!! Can you see me????"  A strong desire to wave my hand in front of your face.  I'm quite sure I've become invisible.  WHY do I FEEL like I am NO LONGER a part of the HUMAN RACE???

I feel ALONE. So ALONE.

You can't SHARE this with me.  It's not something you can SHARE because it is happening to ME.

I can't even FATHOM WHAT it is that has happened. 

My mind is outside of my body.... Incredulous.  Unaccepting.  Astonished....

I want to shake you!  I want to cry out to you - "Help me! Help me!!! Please wake me up from this horrible, horrible dream!!! This CAN'T BE!" But you don't see the changes.  Maybe you don't even see me? Because you walk right by caught up in your thoughts, in your agenda, in your plans... I HAD plans TOO!

As hard as I try to go about my normal daily duties - I can't.  I keep thinking, "We are not the same anymore..."  You can't understand. You can't experience this from the same place as I.  Its as if there is a chasm between us.  I once was where you are - but you have never been where I am. 

"Where am I?"

Even if you wanted to - you can't.

"What happened? What is going on? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Did this even happen?" 

I want to scream! I want to shout! I want to cry!  -  But I can't because I'm on the outside looking in...

This is NOT happening.  Not to ME.  I'm YOUNG. I'm not old yet! This can't happen - not to ME. No! No! No!!!!!

Who is that lying on that hospital bed with the backless hospital gown on, going through all those tests? Staring up at the drop down ceiling in the basement of the Radiology department of some hospital.

What did you say?

"Blah Blahh Blahhh... Cancer. Blah blah blahhh surgery... Blah blah blahhh chemo..."

Why can't I understand your words?  Why do you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher?  I see your lips moving - but I can't understand your words?

I turn my head and look at my mother... My safety net. The woman who birthed me.  She reaches out and touches my hand... I feel it.... I FEEL IT!   My eyes beseech her for understanding.  For clarity.  For understanding.  She leans over and kisses my forehead.

She see's me! I'm not invisible.  I'm still here!!!

She translates the Oncologist words.  It's not the words I understand and accept, it's her reassuring firm motherly tone that soothes me.  It's the way she is holding my hand.  It's the strength in her voice.  The same familiar strength I've heard throughout many moments in my life.  Like when I was a child and woke up from a bad dream, and she comforted me as only a mother can do. 
Her voice becomes my lullaby. Rhythmic. Soothing. Like the comfort an unborn baby gets from the pulsating familiar sound of a mother's heartbeat.

"One step at a time.  Come on. We can do this. FIGHT. You are not alone.  See? Here is my hand. FIGHT.  I am NOT going to let you give up! FIGHT. Moment by moment - see? We've already made it to the next.  Look - there's another one. FIGHT."

I do it because she says to.  She's my mother.  She knows.  The vortex is getting smaller now. I can step from the hole back onto the groove of humanity.  Because she tells me to.
FIGHT.

I'm concentrating on the word with ALL I have. FIGHT.  Don't GIVE in. Don't GIVE up. Don't let go. Don't think too hard. FIGHT.

 I don't recognize the woman in the mirror.  Who is she?  She kinda looks like me.

FIGHT.

My senses are gone... All except for the sense of smell... Will I EVER get that smell of chemotherapy out of my nose??? It sickens me... Taste is exaggerated, I never want to see another Jolly Rancher for as long as I live....

FIGHT.

How did the moments turn into minutes? Into hours? Into days? Into months?  Chemo is over now - switching it up to radiation...  How can something you don't FEEL cause SUCH burns?  Will it EVER stop?

F I G H T.

Radiation is over. So are the doctor appointments. So is the treatment.  It has been a success...

What do I do now?

LIVE.

I turn and scratch my peach fuzz head...

Live?  How?  I don't remember how?

JUST LIVE.

And so I do..  Tentatively, like a baby learning how to walk.  Unsure of whether or not I'll lose my balance and fall... I can see those who stood by me throughout this whole ordeal - the TRUE ones.  Ready to catch me should I begin to fall.

"LIVE," they say encouragingly...  LIVE.

And so I will... Each moment, each minute, each day.  Not as before.  Never as before.  I've lost the know-how to BE as before.  I am changed...

Changed - but very much ALIVE...

Rise ABOVE it.

Whatever it is - RISE ABOVE IT.

I guess you could say I had an epiphany today as I was driving... Maybe this is a common one for most people - but I have always been a late bloomer who wears her heart on her sleeve... Here it is - very simple but hard at the same time. "Don't let people define who you are."

It is so easy to allow how someone views you to become your view of yourself.  No one has the right to categorize you or judge you (nor do we have the right to judge or categorize them). We can't control how other people act - but we can control how we think, how we feel, how we respond.  It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world - but its not...

As I was driving this weekend, I realized that the only power people have over you is the power you allow them to have....  It got me to thinking about the Wizard of Oz.  How scared everyone was of the Wizard of Oz.  They were in awe of him, yet they were terrified at the same time... And it turned out that he was nothing but a little man trying to be a BIG wizard behind the screen.  How foolish those people would have felt had it been a real life thing.  But there are times in life when people and situations seem soooooo MUCH bigger than they are.

How much power are you giving people?  Are they making you view yourself with their disoriented view?  Writing this I'm almost embarrassed when I think back to situations when I allowed someone else's insecurities and wrongful attitudes to affect my view of myself.  I feel sorry for that person now.  I don't say that in a hateful spirit.  I say that because there are times when we need to "rise above it."  No wonder the Bible tells us to "pray for those who persecute us." (Matthew 5:44).  I must admit that there are times when I haven't done that. Times when the last thing I wanted to do was PRAY for someone who was hurting my feelings.  And then I had to take a long hard look at the situation and wonder WHY I was allowing myself to feel hurt?  If someone doesn't come to you and tell you what you have done to offend them, and you have asked repeatedly - then the responsibility is no longer on your shoulders.  It is on theirs.  The Bible also says, "When you have done all you can - then simply stand." (Ephesians 6:13).

We live in a world where we don't know the "fullness" of ANY ONE'S story.  As they don't know the fullness of ours.  We don't know what they've been through, what insecurities they have, where their heart is.  Only God sees the full story.  I learned a long time ago not to judge others  - because when I did, that is when my own faults became more vivid and clear and I realized that WHO am I to judge??  Only God knows each person's heart (including our own).  Understanding this has made it easier for me to look past my own hurts... Okay, to be honest - maybe after the fact... but what really matters, is what you do with what you learn, right?

Sometimes the situations that occur in our lives are not of our own doing - and what it does it throw us off track from what is *really* important.  Each of us has a calling, we can allow situations and people to hinder us from that calling, or we can choose to learn from it and move forward or to let it stunt our growth, our purpose and our own opinion of ourselves.

How silly it all seems to me now... I have a higher calling - YOU DO TOO.  Rise above it, pray and move forward. Its not always an easy thing to do - nothing WORTH anything IS easy.  But it will make you feel a lot better about the person YOU are.  The bumps in the road of life are just that - bumps and part of the journey.... Time to move on...