Are You Having Your Own "Spring" Thaw? - If Not, Maybe it's Time?

Is a "Thaw" Occurring in Your Life? Let it...

I've been doing a lot of personal reflection lately.  Tried sitting still for a bit to just "dial it down a bit." Something one of my Pink Sisters said to me this week has stuck with me, and I want to share it for those of you who are experiencing the same thing - and haven't really thought about it...

There has been hanging in my bathroom a beautiful saying that I've had for 19 years it says, "Loved the Wedding, Invite me to the Marriage" - God  I figured, since I'm separated and getting ready to go through a divorce, it was hypocritical for me to keep it hanging. That I needed to find a replacement saying, and last week - I found one. A cute little cloth with this embroidered onto it "And the Day Came When the Risk it Took to Remain Tight in The Bud Became Greater Than the Risk it Took to Bloom."


How TRUE is that? How many of us have felt that way? "Once bitten - twice shy?"  There are so many different ways that people deal with going through a tough time, going through a divorce or change of life, grieving, or facing a life or death situation.  For me, I didn't realize that I was looking every where and at everything except what had happened to me. Like my mind would go to everything else - BUT that. I've decided to sit down, stop for a moment - and allow myself to feel - whatever it is I'm feeling... Things happen in life that catch us totally off guard.  Usually, when tough times happen, we deal with them as best we can, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.  The usual person just goes into "automatic pilot" and does whatever it takes to get through whatever that situation is.  It's not so different when YOU are the person it is occurring to.

I'm going to try to honestly write this blog and not cry while I'm doing it... Or heck, maybe I WILL allow the tears to stream down my face as I write this - I'm trying to be honest, remember?  When you go through a life threatening illness, your doctors go into "treatment mode" and so everything becomes "regimented." Your planner all of a sudden is full of doctors appointments, department specialities, what medications to take, etc.... You're in the "medical army" now.  Your name is "patient # or medical record #"  You aren't known by your individuality, your known by your "diagnosis." You go according to treatment schedule.  It took everything I had within me to physically get through a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiation.... And any emergencies with my port (which transport the very toxic chemo in your veins and throughout your system - it looks like a small "talk box" and was a royal pain in the... to me.) and whatever it is that happens between.  The only way I could emotionally get through it - was to focus on getting through each moment.  This doesn't only go for people going through a life threatening illness.  I'm quite sure it would be the same for anyone going through a loss of a loved one, or a sick love one as well - or maybe it's a totally different type of traumatic situation....

I've discovered that it is important for you - no matter what the reason, to allow yourself to feel.  I'm a breast cancer survivor of a year and a half.  Treatment was over for me last February 2011.  But the thaw is occurring.  My feelings are thawing out.  The pain is real.  The scare, the fear, the "OMG did I JUST go through that?" Is starting to set in.  The realization that I "didn't have the flu" I had cancer... And here is the new thing I've discovered. It is very easy to go into a mode I didn't know about - it's called the "I-gotta-live-life-fully-and-get-and-do-everything-NOW" syndrome.  The only comparison I have is it must be like a person who has been starving and is now sitting before a table FULL of food and feels like they have to scarf it all down right away - before it is taken away from them.  So they start using "both hands" shoveling it down as quickly as they can.... I didn't realize I was going through that kind of situation, where I felt like - I have to have this now!  I have to do this! I can't except that! I need to do this because I don't know IF I'll have a tomorrow."  The truth is - you never feel as though you've had "enough life."  We were all created with the desire to LIVE.  How many of us have ever said, I want to live until I'm 45 and then die.  No! We were created with a desire to live.  Originally Adam and Eve weren't meant to die. That wasn't God's plan.  They were meant to live in the garden of Eden forever and enjoy God's beauty forever.  But sin entered the world and changed all that.  However, our desire to live is still within us....

I think for me, dealing with all the changes that went along with having cancer - changes that probably would occurred in time but were expedited because of my situation - have added all to the thawing mess.  Going through a failed marriage is like a death of its own. You revisit your marriage over and over again - and wonder WHY you didn't realize things long ago.  It becomes a death.  No one gets married and thinks "and after the princess and the prince got married - they ran off into the sunset to years later and three kids after - go through a divorce..." The happily ever after - is one that we have to figure out and work towards ourselves.  And if you can't find happiness in your own-self - don't expect someone else to be able to do it for you...

What do YOU want? (Don't worry about how "much" time you have to do it). Are you the type of person who has put everyone and everything before yourself?  You are important, your feelings matter, its okay to have those "It's Me time" moments.  Maybe you are like me, and you need to sit down for a bit, re-evaluate, re-review, forgive yourself for a few screws up you've made, cry for a few minutes, wipe your eyes and then figure out where you go from there.  Your story isn't finished yet. Maybe God allowed you to go through whatever it is you went through (or are going through) so that you can help (or encourage) someone else who may need it down the line... I really do believe that while we may never know the reason why certain things happen, they happen for a reason... Somethings we just have to let go and trust that God knows what He is doing, even when we don't... How 'bout starting now?  And take your time... You won't figure it out in an hour or even a day... If God is patient with us, shouldn't we be the same?

I stopped this weekend, and the thought went into my head, "What would make me happy?"  And you know, I don't quite know the answer to that. It's one I really need to examine... People can't make you happy.  True happiness has to come from inside of you - and what "exactly" is the definition of happiness? I sat here trying to think of what I want - and I honestly got stuck.  I'm not talking about the "standard" person's answer to what would make you happy, I'm talking about true soul reflection about it.  And what steps can we take to make those things happen?  Because things don't always just come to you - sometimes you have to step out on faith and put them into motion.  And why DO we do the things we do?  Is it to (as I have done) numb the pain of really looking at the situation?  Or to avoid facing something?   There are certain things we just have to accept - worrying about them, being in fear of them, avoiding them are not going to make it "go away."  Isn't it time we "face the truth?"  God said, He came so that we could have life and have it more abundantly. (John 10:1-18) Walking in that abundance though is up to us.  Why worry about how long we get to do it? Why can't we just enjoy today?