"The Steps of the Righteous Are Ordained by God..." (Psalm 37:23) We just have to BELIEVE and walk in them... Even if it is step by step... |
I've just trudged through biting my lip, holding back the tears, keeping my chin up and my back straight through it ALL. Accepting my portion in life, even when I didn't understand the plate that was put before me, or the contents on it. Through cancer, through the people that PROMISED me they would BE there and LIED... People who have failed me purposely, selfishly, thinking of only their own needs not truly ever once considering mine... I never once wished ill will of them, that's not in my nature, although I don't know how those people live with themselves... long ago I stopped wondering and worrying about them, they didn't deserve my love. I gave them to God, because it was too much for me to hold on to, It shattered me into a million little pieces I thought only God would be able to restore me... I forgot that God uses people... He works through people...
And then I got to thinking that maybe we wouldn't know God's best unless we went through the worst of times??? Maybe we wouldn't recognize or appreciate God's best which is a love that is unselfish, a love that "doesn't hide you" a love that is proud and loud about you, a love that is supportive and unselfish, a love that is there for you if you are sick - a two way street kind of love that maybe I wouldn't have appreciated or recognized if I hadn't been through all I've been through...
My prodigal days are days I can't undo, it hurt me, it hurt others but it taught me A LOT. It changed me and made me humble... It taught me that only God's forgiveness, mercy, grace and love keep me. It taught me not to judge, it taught me that God loves me at my worst - I don't think I ever REALLY knew that. They are only the type of lessons one learns when they hit rock bottom, face on the ground. The "omg! Abba Father" kind of prayers... The "I can't go another mile in this pain I am" in kind of prayers... The "make the hurt stop!!!" Kind of prayers... He turns it slowly around and brings people into your life to help heal you... And your scared to trust again and your scared to love again, and your scared to live again...
But when He brings you over to that "milk and honey" side of the experience, you cannot believe your good fortune. You reach out wanting to touch it but afraid it's a mirage and will fade away before your eyes... And you whisper to God, like a child, "Really? For ME?" And the love and appreciation is genuine and real and you know that you know that you know that only God could bring it your way...
I would not have met some of the dearest most wonderful women in my life if not for cancer... I would not have turned from my prodigal ways if not for God closing the door shut to turn me around saying, "No my daughter! That's not the pathway that your precious feet were intended for! Look what I have for you!!! And showing me an unbelievable love more extraordinary than I ever fathomed... Perfect??? No... Scary? In a vulnerable kind of way... But with a sense of knowing that I have to venture forward and see where it goes... No matter what comes my way...
God has His hand on this and I know I only see in part (that always drives me a little bit crazy) but I can trust that no matter WHAT happens, He sees in full and He's got me right where He wants me to be, and I trust Him...
So... Here I go, hands in my pockets, back straight,head held high, taking a deep breath... Maybe even whistling... Heart beating in nervous expectation, my eyes focused ahead - one step at a time... But this time I feel a hand reaching for mine, squeezing it in reassurance, our fingers entwined. And i turn my face to the side and smile up into his precious blue/green eyes because God is in the business of using people and He's using him in mine, and here is the thing, you don't know WHAT the journey is that THAT person has come from and is on and just as God is using them for you He is using YOU to help them... Because that is how He works...
We just have to let Him...
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