The Me You See - Post Cancer Life - Dedicated to my Pinks

The Me You See...

I was never a fearful person before cancer.  I think when you go through a life threatening illness at the time you stoically go through it because you have no choice. I had no choice.  Treatment is so regimented it is like you have been drafted in an army… 

Actually, I was drafted into an army – a Pink Rover Line that is so long and so wide that it would surprise you.

Cancer is no respecter of persons, it doesn’t matter your financial status, your race, your religion, your age. Once you get drafted, you are drafted and the drafting will leave you shell shocked but before you can even wrap your brain around WHAT is happening you are enrolled in a regimen that you have no choice but to be an active participant in.

I suppose it is a good thing that it is so regimented because it doesn’t give you much time to really think.  You go from doctor to doctor to oncologist to nurse, to surgery, treatment, radiation – in such a manner that it physically wears you out.  Chemo is no walk in the park.  I remember my first round.  I was a newbie, doing what I was told to do.  I came armed with books, my cell phone, my laptop. It was going to be okay, I was use to multi-tasking. Holding out my arm for the IV I said, “Here I am!  I got this!”  And then came the first dose… It takes hours… And the chemo I had is nicknamed “The Red Devil” for a reason.  That chemo is NO joke – it means business as it runs through your veins.  Six years later I can still recall the taste, the smell the feeling of that chemo going through my body.  It hit hard and like a red tidal wave rushed with my blood through my veins to every part of my being.  I couldn’t read, I couldn’t type, all I could do was feel and what I felt was exhaustion.  It was like something I had never experienced before and would not have known what to expect.

That first night, I could taste it, I could smell it, it was in my pores.  Exhausted I went back to my childhood home and collapsed on the bed.  That night I had nightmares, I dreamt of hell and heat and sulfur and woke up scared out of my mind, my heart racing, my skin drenched in sweat.  No matter what I did during that time of treatment with Adriamycin, cytoxan and Taxol - I could not get that smell out of my nostrils.

The thing about treatment is this – that in a sense it is so regimented that you don’t have much time to think – you just go through.  For me, that was my saving grace – I followed a treatment schedule, I was in the Pink Army now.  “Deal with it Soldier! You don’t have a choice!”  So I did.

Early detection is key – I cannot say that enough.  After rounds of two different types of chemotherapy (I hope I remember this right... Adriamycin, Cytoxan and Taxol) and then I endured 35 rounds of radiation.  Radiation – a crazy thing that takes what looks like a red laser to your cancer site location and burns the absolute hell out of your skin in the matter of minutes.  But it works… It’s role, to make sure it obliterates any cancer cells that *might* have survived those rounds of chemotherapy.  Honestly, worse than any beach sunburn (while using baby oil) that a person has ever gone through, but you do it because you are in the army now, it is part of the regimen AND it works. And really, you don't have a choice.

The second hardest part (and I say second, because the first hardest part is hearing you’ve been diagnosed with cancer) is post treatment life.  This is the time when you have done your time in the Treatment Service and all of a sudden – you are done.  You are cancer-free.  Some people choose to use the repulsive term “in remission” but those are the people who are sitting there “waiting” for the cancer to return.  I was not part of that delegated group.  Nor will I EVER be.  I was declared, “cancer-free” with a shake of the hand and a congratulations, I was released.

Released.

What next?? Actual time to think? What happened? I looked around and all of a sudden a flood of feelings hit me like a tsunami.  WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT NOW?  HOW? WHY?

All those feelings came upon me like a floodgate. Not only did cancer affect my body – it affected my life.  I became keenly aware during the time I was in the Pink Army Regimen of treatment of who outside my Pink world had abandoned me.  People I NEVER would have guessed.  People who were close to me who while I was sick didn’t know how to talk to me.  I was still the same person, I hadn’t changed – cancer happened TO ME it wasn’t what I had become.  Yet in looking at me perhaps it made them look at their own mortality and they were “awkward” with me.   They didn’t know how to identify with me anymore. It seemed like there was a lot of “head nodding” and fake smiling and small talk which perhaps they didn’t think I could pick up on… But I did.  I don’t blame them, I get it – you don’t have common ground anymore.  You have never been where I was.  This is where the  bond between my Pink Sisters came in.  My Pink family, “the girls” the ones who got it.  The ones who knew.  We could just look at each other and get it.  We could act as goof-bally as we wanted or cry or scream or vent or laugh like crazy women and we got it.  WHY because we understood.  We understood that we were drafted, that this wasn’t our fault, that we had no control over it.  We were there for each other – holding tight to each-others hands – not letting go.  In many of our cases the holding of those hands (emotionally speaking) was what kept us fighting.  For those of us who experienced people we loved falling away from us – those hands became lifelines.  Holding on for dear life.

It’s been six years.  Some would say, “why are you still talking about it?  You’ve been healed! You are cancer-free! MOVE ON!”  To which I would look at them with a mix of emotions – anger, pity, rage, sorrow and disdain because unless you are a survivor you have no idea how very difficult that is.  Each of our journeys have been individual, unique.  Each experience different.  The thing about the Pinks is that we understand that.  We allow each other to feel whatever it is we feel.  It’s okay if you’re angry, or scared, or sad, or whatever you  feel  - ALLOW yourself to feel it.  It’s okay.  That’s the difference between a survivor and someone who hasn’t been through what we’ve gone through.

I don’t say any of what I’ve written in bitterness.  God has given me a second chance at life, and I am every day thankful.  I have Pink sisters who didn’t make it and they were no less deserving than I. 

I’m not the same person I was prior to cancer.  My life has changed, my body has changed, my family has changed.  I’m still trying to come to terms with it.  Some days are easier than others.  Some not. I didn’t ask for cancer to happen to me.  I didn’t ask for my life to change – but I was drafted.  I have chosen not to become bitter – but there are times when I don’t know HOW to become better.  I hurt. Even as a Christian, I feel lost along the way.  There feels like there is such a responsibility to being given  the gift of a second chance at life – but there are added responsibilities that are due to the fabric of my life changing so drastically.  I did not sign up for this, I did not expect this.  The range of emotions I go through from gratitude to anger, to intensive fear is something I suppose will stick with me for the rest of my life.

I know that this is something that my Pink sisters feel too.  Cancer is not just about what affects the body, it affects all of what makes YOU you.

If I were to be truly transparent – I would have to say that more than the fear of going through it again (which a survivor worries about every time they go for that next oncology appointment, because you didn’t expect to get cancer in the first place – once bitten twice shy) – and that fear comes up every time you walk through those hospital doors. Even after 6 years the fear always comes up with every appointment.

But more than that – the fear of being loved and left again.  The fear of being hurt.  The fear of being alone is one that for those of us who went through it and saw people walk away from us is something that is a scar as real as any surgical scar. It’s the PSD following the Pink drafting.  The residue of what is left as you try to pick up those pieces (and even after 6 years I’m still picking them up) and move forward.

What encouraging advice can I give? The good that has come from cancer? The rainbow after the storm?  I can say that you learn to love deeper.  Like a tornado that unexpectedly comes upon the house of you – it rips the hinges of your bullshit meter door right off your house.  GONE.  You no longer have the capacity to deal with bullshit or pettiness or drama.  WHY? Because you realize how short life is.  You have had a crash course in what is important and what is not.  Many survivors have become just raw.  We have a tendency not to sugarcoat ANYTHING.  We ARE the REAL McCoy.  We tell it like it is.

That’s refreshing.  And if a survivor loves you – you are in for an intimate full blown love affair like you have never experienced in your life.  Survivors love completely, passionately with all their hearts because they know that no one is promised tomorrow. NOT ANYONE OF US – all though we all live like God owes it to us – He does not.  So being around a cancer survivor can be refreshing because they are honest and straightforward and to the point… At least most of us…

I choose not to live in bitterness – I choose to become better, but I am a work in progress.  I get filled with fear of the unknown.  I  get scared…  When you go through cancer, you learn to depend upon yourself because honestly – NO ONE is going through it WITH YOU.  It is happening to YOU.  It isn’t until it is all said and done that you are even able to think what it must have been like for your loved ones (the ones that chose to hang around) because during the treatment regimen it is taking ALL it can for you to get through it.  You don’t mean to be selfish or self-involved, it just leaves you no choice.

Six years later – my life has changed.  I can see the better now.  There IS a rainbow after the storm.  You just have to believe and wait and see.  And most of all – walk in forgiveness and love and trust that even if you don’t know the WHY of it.  God sees everything in its fullness.  After the worst of the storms comes some of the MOST beautiful rainbows.  I see it now – the rainbow… Sometimes it feels a lot farther off in the future than it actually is, but that is all about perception.  The fact is – it’s there.  You just have to look hard enough for it...

WHY God?!

Have you ever asked God - "Why?"

Let’s be transparent, shall we?  I mean, if God knows our thoughts before we even think them, shouldn’t we at least be honest about what those thoughts are?

I don’t think God “gets upset” with us for expressing how we feel.  Perhaps it’s a good thing that we express it, because if it is something worth changing and we are open to it – He’ll change us.   If it is not, than it is something that should be discussed with Him, God wants us to communicate with Him.  It’s called, “having a personal relationship.” And everyone knows that even in the BEST of relationships, you don’t always see eye to eye.

Sometimes the way we relate to God is the problem, a lot of how we relate is based upon what we have experienced in the past with our earthly relationships.  We tend to color our relationship with God based upon experiences we have had with family, loved ones or friends.  This does not always give an accurate representation of who God is and how He will respond.

I don’t know about you, but there are days that I have woken up asking God,“Why???” 

Kind of like the conversations you hear little kids having with their parents…. “But why? How come? It’s not fair!" (If you are a parent, do you remember those endless, really is no exact answer that will appease them type of conversations?).  As a child of God, there are times I feel the same way – “Why God?!”

We each have been created with weaknesses and strengths, is there a weakness that you continue to find yourself tripping over? Like a child’s toy in the middle of the living room of your life, something  you keep stubbing your emotional toe over? Something  that annoys you? Something you can’t figure out WHY it won’t go away or change? If so, it is conversation worthy with your Heavenly Father.

There is one area in my life that I have constantly complained to God about.  My “Why God?!”  

The one area of my life where it seems if I were able to get it straight, life would be – beyond great.  Like an unrelenting child who wants what she wants I have brought this request before God time and time again because It is something I constantly stumble over.  No matter what I do, it seems it is something I can’t fix. First I would pray and pray and pray and pray some more, diligently believing God would make it better. Then I would get angry, "Why God?! Why hasn’t this area gotten better? Why has it for Sister So-and-So and Brother Over-there, but notfor me? My anger and frustration did not change the answer and did not move God.  Recently I have begun to just accept that even though I’d like this albatross to come off from around my neck, maybe (because God sees the full picture and I only see in part), there is a reason why He allows it to continue, so my “why?” has become a deeper question.  “Why God?  Why Father? Would it change me for the worse? Would it hinder the calling I have on my life? I don’t see how that could be the case, but I only see in part – YOU see in full.  I am *not* happy that I can’t rid myself of it but I know that no matter what – my life is in Your hands.  So I have to trust that even when I am discouraged, and disgruntled and unhappy and burdened – I STILL TRUST YOU."

I think the hardest part of feeling that way – is that you start feeling like God doesn’t care, that God doesn’t want to make it “better.”  But that isn’t what scripture tells us and that isn’t what is true. It says in His word:

“That I came so that they can have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Jesus also said:

“For my yoke is easy, my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:30)

There is so much that goes on that we are not privy of seeing, and maybe this is where God wants us to walk by faith and not by sight? Maybe God wants us to just trust Him more.  We are called to “walk by faith and not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Maybe we just need to accept that there is more than what we can see.  More than what our human minds can understand…  It is hard to trust what we can’t see, especially when we don’t see the “why” of it.  There is no sin in bringing whatever the concern is to God – He wants you to!  It’s called, “communication.”  Think about it, if you are in a relationship with someone and something is bothering you – they can tell.  It shows in your body language, in your voice, in how you go about living and moving, Unless you get whatever it is off your mind, there it will remain.  And grow, and g-r-o-w and GROW and GROW! Until it is bigger than it should be!  If something is bothering me, I cannot let it slide or pretend like there isn’t  a problem, I have to bring it directly to whom it involves, and how much more so if it involves God who already knows there is a problem anyways?!  It doesn’t mean I don’t still grumble or question or get upset that God hasn’t “fixed” the situation.  But I realize Who it is who is in control – especially when I can clearly see – it isn’t ME.  It becomes a battle of trust.  Am I going to trust my feelings? Am I going to trust what I see in the natural? (Not fully aware of what is going on in the supernatural?) or am I going to trust that God is GREATER than whatever those problems or concerns or issues are? And when I begin to doubt, I try to remind myself of the examples that are clearly given to us within the Word of God, because those examples are there for us for a reason, for us to benefit.

Turn it over to Him.  Let it go… Don’t hold on to a corner of what you are giving because then you will have a tug of war and God is not going to make you give something to Him, He’s just going to bring you to a point of realization that it’s what you need to do.  We make it so much harder than it needs to be.

“The steps of the righteous are ordained by God.” (Psalms 37:23)

YOUR steps are ordained by HIM.  He’s got you.  Stop swimming against the current, give in to Him, because when you do – then He can carry you and you will experience the sweet peace and knowledge that God really knows what He is doing – He’s got you, He really does.

Are You Paying it Forward?

Allan

I have little patience for those who only perform "lip service." I believe that God allows us go through the trials and tribulations of life so that we in turn can extend our hand behind us and grasp the hand of someone else who needs help.  To give them our love, our understanding, our support and to encourage them that they are not alone.  What good is life if you don't use the lessons that you learn to benefit someone else?  To make someone else's way easier... Sometimes the comfort can come in just the knowing that you are not the only one who has "experienced" whatever it is you are going through.

Just think how much better this world would be if we truly functioned as the church in the book of Acts did?  All of our needs would be met.  If everyone contributed the gifts and strengths that God has blessed them with, the world would want for nothing.  If everyone took a moment to think about someone else other than themselves - what a wonderful world we would live in!

If you have the resources or the heart's desire to help someone, why wouldn't you?  As everyone gets caught up in the frenzy of the billion dollar upcoming Powerball drawing, I think about how I would just love enough to not worry about how I'm going to pay this, or that.  Just enough to not worry about money - not to be greedy but so that it would allow me to free up my time to concentrate on other things... It's not that I believe that money can "buy" happiness but it sure would take away the anxiety and stress and worry for those of us that live from paycheck to paycheck, or constantly have to "rob Peter to pay back Paul."  That being said, there are many ways that you can be a blessing to someone else - if not financially, with your prayers, with your presence, with your love.  It's really very simple - show love.  You'd be surprised how to what extent that love will come back to you.  This is spoken about throughout the Bible.  How "God will open up the windows of Heaven and rain down blessings upon you that they will be more than you can withhold."  You cannot outbless God.

I am a cancer survivor.  Not a day goes by that I forget that God has given me a second chance at life. I know quite a few people who were not given that opportunity (please do not ask me why, for I am no better - in fact probably WORSE than some of those who have been called home... That's being honest..)  But here is the thing - I see that second chance as an opportunity to pay it forward however I can, because at the end of our lives - it will be HOW we lived that mattered.  How did you show love? Did you do all you could?  Were you the best parent you knew (even in your imperfections to be?) Did you love fully?  Did you wander outside your comfort zone at times to assist?  Now I am not saying you will be "saved" by your works - NO.  Our righteousness is filthy rags - or so the Bible tells us in  the Book of Isaiah 64:6.  It is nothing but the blood of Jesus, His grace, His mercy, His love that allows us to go to Heaven.  It is no works of our own.  And honestly, when I do something for someone, I don't do it to be noticed - but because it is the right thing to do.  It is a "heart thing."
It should be something you don't think twice about, that you don't let your "right hand know what your left hand is doing."  I have found that to be the BEST kind of feeling. It's simply one that money could never buy.

I have shared with my readers my strengths, my weaknesses by my transparency in my own walk.  Now I find that there is someone I care about who has had to humbly allow the people who love him   - help him.  There is no weakness in admitting that it is YOU standing in the need of prayer. In fact, I find during those humble times is the times when God can bless us most.  You will find at the lower right hand section of my page a YouCaringFund that has been set up for a man who has become dear to my heart.  I have not known him or his family for long, but in the short time that I have known them I have shared so many happy moments - just by their genuiness, their generosity, their warmth, their kindness.  The thing that I have learned about  Allan is that he does things that are kind that he doesn't even realize how much it moves or touches someone. He has a gift in making someone feel special without even knowing he has done it! That seems to be a trait in his family and it has meant a lot to me and continues to do so.

So I am taking time in this blog to ask you please to pray for my friend and brother Allan.  The Bible tells us "that we are many members, but we are one in the body of Christ." (1st Corinthians 12:12). If two or more are in agreement there God will be in the midst. (Matthew 18:20). We are called to pray for each other.  Our God is the same today as He was yesterday as He will be tomorrow.  So please pray for healing for Allan.  Ultimately his life is in God's hands and I know the number of his days God will fulfill - but it is God to determine what those numbers are and it is our responsibility that when one of our our own is hurting or is in need - that we lift them up in prayer.  That we stand in the gap and lift their weary arms when they are tired.  I know that God answers prayer and I know He hears it.  I also know that God is no respector of persons.  He doesn't have favorites and as much as Allan is surrounded by people who love him - no one loves him more than God.

If you are able to financially assist helping with the cost of Allan's medical care I would ask that you prayerfully consider doing so.  The fund has been set up and will be used to assist the challenges that Allan has/is facing with insurance issues.  No one should be denied care because of financial constraints, this is something that I feel very strongly about.  You cannot put a price on someone's life.  Personally I have seen this be the case in many survivors care and it is wrong.  In order for Allan to receive the care he deserves to continue fighting (and being victorious) over this battle with colon cancer he needs to be able to solely concentrate on the physical battle he is facing - and not have to deal with the worry of whether or not he is going to be able to afford chemotherapy or a CT scan.  I know from personal experience how exhausting (even just in the physical sense) chemotherapy is.  It is a battle that goes on within your body.  Allan is strong and determined to win this fight - but he needs to be able to concentrate on getting well and not if he is able to get the care he needs due to finances.  So I ask that you please (and foremost) keep Allan and his family lifted in prayer and then I ask you please to help financially if you are able and at the very least (but this is in no way of little importance) please forward on the YouCaringFund to others so that if you are not in a place of being able to give, someone else may be.  We all either have experienced cancer ourselves, or know someone who has faced the battle.  If you can pay it forward please do so.

Do not belittle the prayers that you bring before God. I have seen what God can do and I will not put Him in a box.  Please also lift up Allan's family at this time.  It is extremely hard to see someone you love fight against cancer.  You feel helpless.  But we are not helpless.  We have a God who is understanding, compassionate, and caring.  Let's flood the throne room of God with our prayers.

Thank you for reading my post, for your prayers and your faithfulness - this is part of my "paying it forward" because with life comes the responsibility of knowing what a gift it is.  Not one of us is promised tomorrow, yet we live as though it is "owed" to us.  It is not.  Please remember to tell those that you love that you love them EVERY DAY.  To make each moment that you can count.  And to thank God for the gift of every blank sheet of life He gives you when you wake up in the morning, because it is a precious, precious gift.  Let's write upon those pages well...

What GPS Are You Using?

Where are you getting your directions on your journey called life? Are you sure you are going in the right direction? Maybe its time you sat down for a moment and re-evaluated what direction you are headed, you don't want to miss the destination God has in store for you...

The journey…  YOUR journey… Every which way we go is all about choice.  It’s all about perception and priorities and viewpoints… Ultimately the decision of what we do, where we go, who we are with are decisions that we make from the free will that God has given us.

There are times when I simply wish that once we have given our lives over to God (made Him our Lord and Savior) that we would hear His voice like that of when we use our car GPS – “Kelly, turn right on this pathway in your life… Now go left…” But unfortunately it isn’t as simple as that.  God wants us to use wisdom and His Word as our guidebook.  How we are such a stubborn people!  Many of the situations we find we are in are situations we have placed our OWN selves.  Yet we rage and complain to God, when it is of our own doing not His.  What lesson in life are you in?

Sometimes I find myself in my own self-created maze, scratching my head wondering how I got in the middle of a confused mess and how to get out of it.  When I try to help myself I simply find myself doing a “loop te do” and find myself back where I began. Oh the frustration that sets in! Oh the discouragement and the temper tantrums I have had! It is only when I am able to throw my hands up in the air and say, “Okay Lord, I have made a grand mess of things! I cannot figure a way out – I need YOU.” That He ever so patiently replies, “I was wondering when You were going to ask for my help.  Come on, take my hand…” That He leads me out of the mess I made.  But here is the thing, often times in His leading, He doesn’t simply lead me out, He allows me to learn the why and the how of the mess I was in, how I missed the mark so that (hopefully) I won’t find myself in the same situation repeatedly… (Although there are times when the hard headed me finds herself right back where He previously delivered me from because I haven’t “fully” learned the life lesson that it was intended for me to learn).

Sometimes our own blockages in our journey can be ones that are “man-made” we put them in our own way.  Perhaps those blockages are trust issues, not trusting enough in God, not believing that He has a good and perfect will for our lives.  Perhaps they are life wounds that haven’t been healed, that keep us from experiencing all that God has in store for us, so instead of experiencing the full riches that God has we find ourselves stuck in distrust, pain, holding our own selves back from all that God has in store.  Perhaps it is low self-esteem, where we don’t fully believe that our Father desires to bless us, do to the fact that we did not have a positive role model of an earthly father to help us to believe in a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. 

There are many things that can delay us from going forward in the journey that God has meant you to experience, it doesn’t mean you won’t experience it – it simply means that you will experience lessons along the way which will (hopefully) prepare you, heal you and help you get rid of those road blocks that have been set to discourage you from becoming all that God meant you to be.

I know that with me (being as hard headed as I am), I reach points in my walk where I am disgusted and I reach a point where I have to stop going around in circles, sit still and re-examine what I am doing to be stuck in the same rut over and over again – because when you think about it – the only thing that can change it is when you take a hard look at your situation and realize if I don’t try to do something different – figure out where I am going wrong and how I can do something differently I will always go around and around in the same circle.  I need to try something different.  This tells me that perception is a big part of moving forward (or being stuck where we are) in our journey.  Are you tired of finding yourself stuck where you are?  What can you differently than what you have tried to do in the past?  Remember we always have options and I is up to us what steps we decide to take.  Have you reached a point where you are crying out in discouragement and disgust “Abba Father!”  There are times when God wants us to realize that we are dependent upon HIM.  There are certain situations that we cannot get ourselves out of without His supernatural help.  He didn’t make us to be dependent upon ourselves.  The truth of the matter is we are dependent upon HIM.

The other truth is that we sometimes forget that we are in the midst of a HUGE spiritual battle.  Ol’ slewfoot is trying to take you down!  He doesn’t want to see God glorified in your life!  If you are in the middle of having a self-pity party than you are so busy feeling sorry or frustrated or angry or discontent or bitter about what is going on in your life that you have taken your eyes off of God and placed them on your situation.  The truth is we can do NOTHING without God’s assistance.  The real question is who are you trusting? Where is your trust? When you realize that you haven’t been trusting in God, you can then turn to Him and admit it and turn your attention back on Him.  Remember, there is no set of circumstances that are bigger than what God can handle.  We need only to give it over to Him.

Sometimes God allows us to go through situations so that we will grow in Him.  Spiritual growing pains.  He never said it was going to be easy, but He did say that He would NEVER leave us.  So when the devil tries to tell you that you are alone you can search your Bible and see for yourself all the promises that God has purposely given you in His word.  He is not a God that would lie – this is where we need to trust in Him.  And if you don’t trust in Him – than perhaps your lesson is learning why that is?

Whatever part of your life journey you are currently on – look to your Creator to help you understand where you on “His map of life” and how to move forward.  He will never steer you wrong, you just have to be willing to ask for directions and by faith head forward in the position He is pointing you to go. If He sent the 3 wise men a star guiding them in the way He wanted them to go, how much more so will He do for you? You just have to believe it and step out in faith.

Are You Living a Musical Chairs or Wonder Ball Kind of Life?

I really must get in the habit of jotting down notes… There are days when I am inspired and think, “oooooh this would be a good idea for a post!” And then proceed to forget what that inspiration was…

I always tend to get a bit sentimental with the ending of a year… I look back at all that has occurred, the things that I have learned and try to decide what it is I’m going to take with me into the New Year and what it is I’m going to discard.  I find myself feeling a bit anxious of the unexpected, knowing fully well that I have no control over the future, but that God tells me in His Word, “The number of my days He will fulfill.” (Exodus 23:26)

Sometimes I get this this “Alice in Wonderland” feeling – the sense that I have fallen down an unexpected hole and entered into a world that I am uncertain and unfamiliar of… Our world has changed so much.  Common sense and common courtesy are things of the past.  Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older… Naaaaah that’s not it, I truly believe we are living in the last days; right has become wrong, wrong has become right, anything goes.  I think if it wasn’t for my faith and dependence on God that I would probably have lost my absolute mind.  I don’t know those who don’t know Christ as their Lord and Savior are keeping their sanity; the world has become such a scary place to live.

Sometimes I feel like life has become like the game, “musical chairs” do you remember playing that as a kid? Where you walk around and around as the music of your life is playing and you quickly have to grab a chair before all the chairs are occupied and you are left standing… Or like the game “The Wonder ball” do you remember that?  The song went:

“The wonder ball goes round and round, to pass it quickly you are bound, if you’re the one to hold it last the game for you has quickly passed and you are out – O-U-T out!”

I suppose those are the times when we should be praying more diligently for direction, as that clearly shows worry and anxiety which is not of God, yet in this day and age I think many people would truly admit that life often feels like one of those games.  What do you do when you feel anxious? When you feel totally out of control?  When up seems down and down seems up? How do you pull yourself together? What are you planning on taking with you into the New Year and discarding from this year? And you have to be careful here, especially if you are an ex-prodigal because we tend to be our own worst critics.  We’ve become super overly sensitive to what needs to be worked upon within our own lives.  Remember to give yourself credit for the things that you have changed and grown upon, I believe that as long as we have breath in our bodies we will always be learning and changing (hopefully for the better).

What have I learned from 2015?  I’m going to be real transparent here, because it’s important that we be honest with ourselves. We cannot hide from God – He sees it ALL.  I truly never understood why Adam and Eve tried to hide from a God who is omnipotent.  I choose not to fool myself and do the same, I am honest with God about my short comings because I know He knows them anyways! No point in trying to hide them!

For myself – I have discovered that with surviving cancer,  I have developed a fear for living… A fear of the unexpected, a fear that I will miss ALL that God has for me because I tend to hesitate and question each step I take.  I guess in being an ex-prodigal I’m afraid to make mistakes. I’ve become less confident with my own choices.  I question myself more.  There are still parts of me that feel rebellious, that need healing.  What does this indicate if I am to be completely honest about it?  It indicates that I have a lack of trust in God (ouch).  There is clearly some spiritual healing that needs to occur in my life.  I can be honest and admit that.  I have to allow myself to be open to it.  I need to trust God more.  I need to believe that God has my best interests at heart. There are things that have happened in my life that make this difficult for me.  It is an area of growth that I need to examine and pray more fully about. It’s even hard for me to type those words on paper, but it is the truth and it is something that God and I need to work together on in the year to come.

Now take a hard good look at yourself… You don’t have to admit it to anyone else – only to yourself.  What do YOU need to work on within you???  I’m not talking “New Year’s resolution” those tend to peeter out three weeks into the New Year.  I’m talking, in looking back at this past year – what have you learned? And what are you going to do about it?

What has God shown me in 2015? He has shown me that His best for me is better than anything I could have picked out for myself.  That truly sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone to find what we are looking for – and what God has for us.  In venturing beyond my own back yard, stepping out in faith I have walked into a love I never knew could exist.  One that is beyond my wildest imagination;  One that could only come from God.  Is it scary? Of course!  Anything that makes you vulnerable is scary, especially when your heart is on the line – but here is the thing, you’ve heard the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained?” If you live a life behind walls and full of fear at the many uncertainties of life, you miss out on some of the BEST parts of life.  God’s word says:

 “That He came so that you could live life ABUNDANTLY.” (John 10:10). 

But here is the thing – unless you step out and receive that abundancy, you won’t have it.  It is a gift.  A gift that is only good IF you receive it.  Are you receiving it??? Maybe one of the things you need to work on in the New Year is receiving… Believing that God has GOOD things in store for you, the Bible also says:

“If you then though you are evil, know how to give good things to your children, how MUCH more so will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those that ask Him?” (Matthew 7:11)

Often times we don’t believe that God wants to bless us.  We believe He blesses others – but when it comes to our own selves, we have trouble believing.

God has a plan for our lives, what we need to do is discover what that plan is (through prayer) and then step out in faith and walk in it!  But here is the thing – we have to take a step!  He’s not going to make you – He is going to direct you, He is going to encourage you but YOU have to step out and actually take that step to walk in it.  It is scary, but at the same time there is no greater feeling than being in the center of God’s will.  Sometimes we are our own road blocks in being there.  We need to push our OWN selves out of the way! Sometimes we are the ones who are blocking our own blessings because of uncertainty, because of fear, because we don’t know how to receive.  Are these things you need to work on in the New Year?

As we end this year and begin another, I pray that you (and I) will look back on the previous year, thank God for it and also consider what God is doing in your life.  This will take a quietness of your spirit to be still and consider all the good lessons and bad that you have experienced.  Spiritual growing pains never go away – and that is a good thing because it means that we are sensitive to the Holy Spirit and working towards whatever it is that God wants you to become.  And you can bet that the plan He has for your life is better than anything you could plan yourself.  Trust Him.

Careful What You Pray For... You Just Might Get it...



Have you really thought about what you would do if God answered "that" prayer?
 Could you handle it? What if it came in a form that you weren't expecting?
 Different from what you have been use to - would you recognize it? Would you receive it?

 

 

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Be careful for what you pray for, because you *might* just get it…”
What have you been asking God for??? And if He gave it to you, would you know what to do with it?  Usually things God gives us, stretches us in one way or another… Causes us to grow… Usually it is a reflection of God’s love for you and is perfect in its answer because it is just for you.  Hand made. 

What is it you have prayed for?  Can you handle the answer? Or would you shy away?  Perhaps it was something that moves you totally out of your comfort zone; makes you uncomfortable, maybe even makes you have to face things within yourself that you have always wanted to avoid – but in doing so it brings you into greener pastures and helps you to grow in ways that are healing for you. Maybe in order to get the fullness of the answer God is giving you - you have to be prepared for what that answer will bring?  Personal growth, change, broader horizons... Can you handle the answer to your request?  Have you really thought it through?

He tells us “I will restore what the cankerworm has destroyed…”(Joel 2:25) But are you willing to allow Him to do that?  Or will you shy away from the fact that it makes you think about things you’ve tried to close off in your mind?  Makes you examine them and dig deeper… What do you want?  Is it what you thought you wanted?  Or did you pray too big?  Are you so use to mediocre in your life that you don’t know how to receive God’s best for you because it scares you?  Maybe God is teaching you that you need to learn how to receive...

Sometimes what God gives you, is not what you expected.  Not what you planned, not what you thought you would have and there you are praying, “Oh God, I want this so badly…”  And He is looking at you with a raised eyebrow because what you are asking for is right there before you.  Only you don’t recognize it or trust it.  Open your eyes…

God has a best for your life.  He alone knows what that best is.  TRUST HIM.  Learn to recognize your blessings and learn HOW to receive them.  Don’t take those blessings for granted because you are afraid of either your past, or being vulnerable to what the future holds for you.  Be open to new experiences, even if they differ from what you are used to… It may be the best thing ever and just exactly what you need.  Be open to it.  YOU prayed a prayer – now receive God’s answer, whatever that may be.  Because if you miss it – God may deem that you are not worthy of it or mature enough for it or ready for it – and whatever lesson He has you currently in in your life (and we are ALL in different life lessons) – He may have you take the lesson over until you get it right…

Remember it says, "To much is given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48) There is a responsibility in what God gives you.  Is it love? Then cherish that person He gives you no matter what comes your way. Whatever it is - rejoice in God's answer and receive and thank Him for answering your prayer.  Sometimes we pray prayers and we forget about them - God does not forget. So remember, when He answers your request - to thank Him for it - in fact, thank Him BY FAITH before He even answers it.  He has your best interest in mind and He knows JUST what you need.

"Be anxious about nothing, but by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6)

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." (Proverbs 3:5) Just remember that sometimes answers to prayer don't come in the way or form you expect. You may certainly be asked to go beyond your comfort zone - but know that in doing so, you will be blessed more abundantly than you could ever imagine...

What are you praying for? What are you expecting? What are you willing to do with what God gives you?  God can give to you – but unless you receive it with an open hand and a willing heart – you can’t receive it.  The receiving part is up to you…

How About Giving Thanks?



Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!
(Psalm 107:1)



It is very sad to me to see how the Thanksgiving Holiday is treated like a step-child.... Have we become a nation who has forgotten WHAT to be thankful for????? Television goes right to Christmas movies, commercials, etc. Malls are already playing Christmas music. I'm thoroughly disgusted...  I recognize that there are times when my worries seem more than my blessings - but when I stop and think about it I have to apologize to God because there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I, for one will not override this very important holiday. So let me share what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for knowing that I have a loving God who absolutely directs my path - Even when my wayward feet begin to drift off of it His grace, love and forgiveness direct me back. This year He brought into my life the most amazing man, and I can honestly see how God's best for me is better than anything I could have picked out for myself. Someone I will never take for granted... And to be extremely blessed by getting the privilege of knowing his fine family...

 

This has been a year of gain and a year of tremendous loss, since my family lost three members this year...  My Uncle Lionel, my Uncle Billy and my cousin Lena. As if I didn't already know how precious life is - it has once again been engraved in my heart how none of us is promised tomorrow... How dare we act as though God owes it to us when we can't even take the time to thank Him for the current moment we are in???? Like a greedy fat kid at the table we just want to gobble up MORE.  

As I see all the craziness around us in the world, I am even MORE thankful for my faith, because I know without a doubt WHO I belong to, and that the number of my days, He will fulfill. He  ALONE knows what that number is, and my focus has become trying as hard as I can to make EVERY moment count, the best I can.

 

I am thankful for my family because in seeing how others conduct themselves I have been made more fully aware of the solid foundation of love my family have instilled within me. I thought ALL families were like us, but the truth is they are not! Common sense, honesty, honor, love and common courtesy is something that is the background of MOST of my family members and I've always been PROUD to be part of a very strong family.

 

Lastly, there are my friends and mainly my Pinks who in many aspects are even closer to me than many of my family... We understand and are there for each other in a way that people who have not faced cancer or their own mortality can. We are a sorority of women who did not willingly choose to join in on this "Pink Rover Line" - yet here we are... You've been there for me when MANY others weren't... Quite frankly even MORE so than any of my sisters and brothers in Christ.... (Oops I went there...) You are the strongest women I know and while I wish this isn't what brought us together, I'm so thankful for the friendship of EACH ONE of YOU. We will be friends for life... 

 

So there you have it - and that just scratches the surface when I think about what I am thankful for. What better way to show thankfulness but to express it? There might be some who don't even know how significant a role they have played in your life - isn't it time you told them? Quick! Before the moment has passed! Give thanks.

Who Are You?

I have come to realize that there is no truer measure of where you are in your walk as a Christian, as when you find yourself pushed up against the wall, in your life.

What has my observation of my own walk been?  Honest answer? I failed miserably…

What do you do or how do you respond when you find yourself in dire, unexpected straits?  This question is not for you to measure by the response of someone else… It’s not a question for you to answer for anyone else’s input or judgment.  It is for you to think about, look deep within yourself and see how you handle certain situations… And the answer will be different depending upon what is at stake.  Is it your family? Is it your health? Is it your job?  If ol’ slewfoot knows what buttons get you to respond in a way that does not glorify God in your life, shouldn’t you know the same?

What has it done for me?  It has given me a good meter to measure what it is I need to work on spiritually and what I have seen within myself these last couple of weeks – has made me cringe.  TRULY there go I but for the grace of God and for His mercy.  Thankfully if we have the Holy Spirit abiding in us (and if you have made Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior the Holy Spirit does abide in you) you become more sensitive (even if you won’t admit it) to the things that need changing within your life.

I can FULLY understand Paul’s writings in the book of Romans.  It is a constant battle!

“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. "(Romans 7: - 8:6)

 This does not excuse the things that I know I need to work upon, but if you have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you (which is what occurs when you make Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you), then conviction becomes a powerful thing and as you grow in Christ it is a constant.  I believe that as long as we have breath in our bodies there will be things (that if we are in tune with the Holy Spirit and honest with ourselves) we will realize that we are a continuance work in progress.

It is amazing to me because you can become so in tune with the things that you need to work on within yourself that it can feel like nasty sludge and the only thing that gets it off of you is the recognition that you need to do something to change to have your peace restored to you.  Some of these things that the Holy Spirit reveals to you that need changing are things that may change over a period of time.  They may be things that you need to bring before your Heavenly Father because YOU can’t change it about yourself, you need His help.

I am someone who has never seen the point in trying to “hide” something from a God who is omnipotent.  I find it much easier to be honest with Him and say, “Okay Father – I know that you see the good, bad and the ugly inside of me.  I admit that I need to work on (whatever it is), help me.”  Sometimes the things that we feel most rebellious about are emotional scars that have occurred in our life.  God desires to heal them, we just need to give those scars to Him.  There are some that we refuse to let go, be it that it has become a point of comfort for us or we are fearful.  Having gone through a prodigal experience in my walk, I still see residue from that period of my life that I need God to heal in me.  He is my Creator, He knows how I am intricately made.  He is the best physician or Counselor to turn to.  In my heart I know that when God tells us to do or not to do something it is because He sees the full picture and is wiser than we are.  There are times when we either push that aside or refuse to believe it, most of the time this has to do with our measure of faith in God, how much we trust Him.

The thing that amazes me is the closer you desire to draw to God – imperfections and all, the more you get to see yourself more clearly.  If God points out something to me that I need to work on,  my peace is gone until I get it right!  Until I confess it (to HIM), until I recognize that I am powerless to do anything about it (without HIM!), until I decide that in order for me to grow and reach a higher spiritual level, I need to work on whatever it is that God is pinpointing to me and trust that He has my best interests at heart.

If God is speaking to you, you will know it.  It’s what you decide to do with what He is saying that matters.  He knows us sooooooo much better than we know ourselves, we tend to forget that He has our best interest at heart – and who knows better than the one who made it, what those best interests are?

We might as well accept the fact that we are “works in progress” because fighting against the tide can become cumbersome and exhausting and in the long run, we end up having to change what needs changing anyhow just to have a peace of mind.  What I have found out in the 29 years I have been a Christian is that until I learn whatever lesson I am on in my walk, I will have to circle around it over and over again until I get it before I can move forward to whatever else God has for me to learn.  Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. The ironic thing about it, is what God has instore for us is so much better than what we have in store for ourselves.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  (Romans 12:2)

God's Best Pathway - So Worth the Wait...

"The Steps of the Righteous Are Ordained by God..." (Psalm 37:23)
We just have to BELIEVE and walk in them... Even if it is step by step...

I've been through soooo much over the last five years, and I've just accepted things as being the way they are, I joined hands and got drafted into the "Pink Army" with some of the absolute FINEST, strongest women I've ever known in my life... A Pink Rover line none of us asked to be a part of, we just got drafted in...

I've just trudged through biting my lip, holding back the tears, keeping my chin up and my back straight through it ALL.  Accepting my portion in life, even when I didn't understand the plate that was put before me, or the contents on it. Through cancer, through the people that PROMISED me they would BE there and LIED... People who have failed me purposely, selfishly, thinking of only their own needs not truly ever once considering mine... I never once wished ill will of them, that's not in my nature, although I don't know how those people live with themselves... long ago I stopped wondering and worrying about them, they didn't deserve my love. I gave them to God, because it was too much for me to hold on to, It shattered me into a million little pieces I thought only God would be able to restore me... I forgot that God uses people... He works through people...

And then I got to thinking that maybe we wouldn't know God's best unless we went through the worst of times??? Maybe we wouldn't recognize or appreciate God's best which is a love that is unselfish, a love that "doesn't hide you" a love that is proud and loud about you, a love that is supportive and unselfish, a love that is there for you if you are sick - a two way street kind of love that maybe I wouldn't have appreciated or recognized if I hadn't been through all I've been through...

My prodigal days  are days I can't undo, it hurt me, it hurt others but it taught me A LOT. It changed me and made me humble... It taught me that only God's forgiveness, mercy, grace and love keep me. It taught me not to judge, it taught me that God loves me at my worst - I don't think I ever REALLY knew that. They are only the type of lessons one learns when they hit rock bottom, face on the ground. The "omg! Abba Father" kind of prayers... The "I can't go another mile in this pain I am" in kind of prayers... The "make the hurt stop!!!" Kind of prayers... He turns it slowly around and brings people into your life to help heal you... And your scared to trust again and your scared to love again, and your scared to live again...

But when He brings you over to that "milk and honey" side of the experience, you cannot believe your good fortune. You reach out wanting to touch it but afraid it's a mirage and will fade away before your eyes... And you whisper to God, like a child, "Really? For ME?" And the love and appreciation is genuine and real and you know that you know that you know that only God could bring it your way...

I would not have met some of the dearest most wonderful women in my life if not for cancer... I would not have turned from my prodigal ways if not for God closing the door shut to turn me around saying, "No my daughter! That's not the pathway that your precious feet were intended for! Look what I have for you!!! And showing me an unbelievable love more extraordinary than I ever fathomed... Perfect??? No... Scary? In a vulnerable kind of way... But with a sense of knowing that I have to venture forward and see where it goes... No matter what comes my way...

God has His hand on this and I know I only see in part (that always drives me a little bit crazy) but I can trust that no matter WHAT happens, He sees in full and He's got me right where He wants me to be, and I trust Him...

So... Here I go, hands in my pockets, back straight,head held high, taking a deep breath... Maybe even whistling... Heart beating in nervous expectation, my eyes focused ahead - one step at a time... But this time I feel a hand reaching for mine, squeezing it in reassurance, our fingers entwined. And i turn my face to the side and smile up into his precious blue/green eyes because God is in the business of using people and He's using him in mine, and here is the thing, you don't know WHAT the journey is that THAT person has come from and is on and just as God is using them for you He is using YOU to help them... Because that is how He works...

We just have to let Him...