ADELE - 'Make You Feel My Love'

A Very "Touchy" Subject...

Touch is Vital, it is Healing, it is One of the Five Senses That God Gave Us. We Cannot Survive Without it.  Even in Romans 16:16 We Are Told to "Greet One Another With a Holy Kiss." God said in Genesis, "It is Not Good For Man to Be Alone." (Genesis 2:18) The Truth STILL Applies Today.

God did not call us to be little "Islands' - we are people who need people.  Even if we don't want to admit it - its the truth.  There is no shame in that. We need affection, we need friendship, we need love, we need touch. I read an article a year ago that is worth sharing with you.  It is called "The Benefits of Human Touch, The Need for Touch in the Development of Healthy Adults and Children" by Carmen Jochmann (Suite 101.com, Octoberr 15th, 2009).  (I will provide the link at the end of this blog, its a good read.)

I didn't realize, until this past weekend what was lacking in my life.  How very much "touch" matters.  A friend who squeezes your hand in encouragement and understanding; A mother's  embrace; A child's hug, A lover's touch. There is no substitute.  Touch is one of the five senses, and one that perhaps we take for granted and don't give a lot of thought to.  It ties in with our emotions, how we feel about "ourselves" how we feel about "others." Studies have been done on babies, and how in order to survive, thrive and grow, a "nuturing" touch is needed.  But I don't think this goes just for our children.  Adults need touch too.  Touching is a way of communicating, a way of expressing ourselves, of conveying love and happiness.  I agree with Carmen Jochmann's article - that touching is healing.  I think it has a powerful affect on our moods. Have you ever noticed if you are having a bad day, and someone gives you a hug, it might have "softened" a grizzley bear mood?

When Adam was in the garden of Eden, he had everything beautiful surrounding him - yet, he felt a lack.  He was not meant to be the only human being. God even said, "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18) So God created Eve.  Can you imagine the joy Adam felt at the touch of her hand? Or from the ability to share with her ALL the beauty of their surroundings? The companionship they shared?  I'm quite sure they must have walked all throughout the garden holding hands with Adam pointing out all the things God had given him the priveledge of naming to her.

When I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was incredible to me - the people who disappeared from my life.  As if I had leprosy.  As if they could catch it themselves...  Now, I'm not "judging" them because I'm sure to some people hearing what was going on with me made them think about their own mortality... So perhaps it wasn't "me" they ran from - just the fact that any time coming in contact with me, or hearing about me made them realize how "short" life is.  It hurt.  It made major life changes occur in my life.  It made me realize all the more - what I want and can accept in life and the things I can't accept. Going through breast cancer became a very lonely experience.  With couples, sometimes one partner can't "be" there for their spouse.  Its not as if they don't want to be - they just emotionally can't.  It's not the case with all couples - but I am told that it happens with quite a few.  No one could feel what I felt because they were not "personally" experiencing it. They couldn't relate. At times it seemed as if the only one who could truly hold my hand through though the process, was God Himself.  Yet, I was like a child who angrily took my hand out of His.  Because I couldn't get the answer of "why?" from Him.  It wasn't for me to know.... YET at the same time, the mother He gave me, held me up.  Wouldn't let me quit or give up, even when I wanted to. A friend who lived far away called me daily to check on me, which was a lifeline for me. God gave me (through Facebook) Pink Sisters - women from ALL over the WORLD who were going through breast cancer, the same as I. So we could share with each other, learn from each other. love each other, BE there for each other.  Cry with each other. Act SILLY with each other.  Build each other up and at times - literally pick each other up. Women who understood - what it was, even if I didn't have the words to say it.  Even if I couldn't express it myself, or understand it myself.  The strongest women I have ever known... I didn't think I would say that about anyone other than my sisters in Christ - yet many of them weren't there when I needed them.  The body wasn't there. And I say that without bitterness because we are an imperfect Church.  I say that without judgement because I (being a prodigal) cannot judge anyone because I'm too busy "getting the plank out of my eye" to get the stye out of theirs.  And, if I was to be completly honest - I'm sure I withdrew.

Touch is healing. If you can, show love and affection to those around you.  It can greatly encourage  someone around you who needs it (and you may not even know how much). Nurturing is not something that only infants and children need - grown ups need it too - no matter the age.  I think we'd best remember that.  We are not Islands, we were created to LOVE and BE LOVED. It makes a huge difference. It makes life, WORTH living.
http://carmen-jochmann.suite101.com/the-benefits-of-human-touch-a155979

Just Listen - The Eversea (Breast Cancer Awareness)

Have You EVER seen a Lassie (or Laddie) Go THIS Way and THAT Way?

No Matter How "Worn" You Feel - "The Steps of the Righteous are Ordained by God"  (Psalms 37:23)
Even when you are uncertain of which step to take next.
*Image provided by Imagebank.org.uk

Sometimes don't you just wish that you were a kid again? That the biggest decision you ever had to make was what doll to play with? Life is so precious, and making decisions can be scary. I have often wished that I could hear God's "booming voice" like Charlton Heston heard as "Moses" in the "Ten Commandments" "THUS SAYETH THE LORD!!!" It was like, He had the BEST GPS in the whole world! God's voice!  Telling him which direction to go, what to do, how to do it!  Turn right... Turn left... Moses STOP!  I have to rebuke envy every time I watch that movie! (Smiling - One of my favorites) - and quite honestly, I've said to the Lord, "Okay - I've chosen you, in and of my own will. So, here is the steering wheel of my life... YOU DRIVE."  I visualize myself putting my hands behind my head (in the driver's seat) whistling and letting God steer.  Well - that's how I wish it was.  I think more often then not I've said, "What are You doing??? Nooooo - not that way! THIS way!!!" And have grabbed the wheel back from Him, only to end up pulling over, scratching my head and turning to Him and saying, "What do I do now Father?"

He's so patient with me. His grace is abundant. He never yells.  The few times I've sat still and quieted myself to hear His voice, it has been a quiet, patient - yet firm, loving voice.  Like that of a loving parent, yet still the one in charge.  Just thinking about the times I've heard His voice brings tears to my eyes because it is filled with LOVE.  While my own thoughts about myself are filled with criticism, fault-seeking, and well, often then not - not much love.  Is that how your voice sounds to YOU?  Just sitting here thinking about how patient God is with me.  How tolerant and forgiving He is - humbles me...  It truly is nothing but HIS grace, HIS love, His forgiveness that keeps me going.  It is very true the saying "Pride before a Fall."  I think that sometimes it is easy for us to puff ourselves up and think that we've got it all together.  But I really think that as long as we have breathe in our body - God continues to mold us, shape us, TEACH us.  No matter what state you are in.  We "can't" be good enough or "worthy" enough.  I think part of our problem is that God realizes that and even if WE DO realize it ourselves, we still beat ourselves up over it. Get discouraged. Feel like, "what's the point of even trying then?"  But here is the thing - once we reach the point of realizing that it is only by the grace of God that we can do anything. That He can gently say to us, "Okay... Now, let me take that wheel - you know the one you want me to have?  Here, let's go this way. Trust me. Allow me to lead." That we can turn our "wheel" over to Him to see what He is going to do with it.  To take us.  Oh if only we trusted more. If only we could quiet "ourselves" from all the noise of the world around us - and trust that God who sees in full will complete His good and perfect will in our very "un-perfect lives."

Nothing about us surprises Him.  I think sometimes He may "cringe" when we are going a "harder" route than He intended us to go.  (Just like we do when we see our children struggle, but realize that they *may* have to learn the hard way in order to go forward).  But His love is never-ending.  Our own grace and patience and love for ourselves (and maybe for even others) may change, but HIS never does.

I'm so thankful for that - when I've given up or become exasperated with myself. There He is, pulling me closer and sighing - wishing that I would just "give my wheel" to Him and let go.  And trust that whatever comes my way - He's got it.  He's got ME.  He's no respector of persons you know. He doesn't have favorites - so guess what - even if you are like me and stubborn and willful and well... a modern day prodigal. He's got YOU too!

Go On - Just Open It...You Know You Want To...

You Won't Know What's Inside Until You Open it Up

Sometimes we are the barrier in our own pathway to happiness... That just occurred to me this morning... Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and we don't even see it.  We are too busy blaming "Joe Shmoe" for this" and "the boss" or "the bad job" for that or lets go a step further - everyone stand up and give the devil around of applause.  Because we give him the credit for the bad stuff too.  But the truth is - sometimes the only one blocking us, is US.

It is easier to blame a circumstance or a situation than taking a good hard look at ourselves to see what it is we should be doing to change the things that need changing.

Have you ever looked in the mirror to see past the physical flaws "you think you have" to look deeply into your own eyes to determine what it is YOU want and what steps you need to take to make "those wants" happen?  I don't know about you - but I can say for myself - if I was to sit in front of a mirror (reluctantly I might add...) it would take me several moments to get beyond the "self-critique."  I can hear me now... "I have too many freckles, I need to lose weight... Why are my eyes a boring brown instead of hazel?" blah blah blah to the point where I would just get up and walk away... QUICKLY I might add... (LOL).  Why do you think it is that we can show a friend more grace, love and help to build her up if she showed up at our door needing a friend - but we find it so hard to give our "own selves" the same love, support and listening ear that we would a dear friend? (Hmmmmm.... good question isn't it?)  When is the last time you - you sat yourself down and had a conversation with yourself.  Really listened to YOU?  I know that sounds kind of crazy, but when you think about it - many of us don't do that.  Don't you think its time?

I sat down with "me" this morning and realized that I wasn't half-bad. That how I feel is important. That if I want something bad enough I DO have it within me to go after it.  I think its time we need to give ourselves some "thought."  Some "compassion." Some "understanding."  I'm not saying have a "pity-party" if you feel you need to - go ahead, allow yourself an hour really have one of those old fashion kid type of crying and screaming temper tantrums.  If you have to - go through the whole shebang.  Get down on the floor, roll from side to side, kick your feet, cry, turn your head! Get it ALL out of your system.  Allow yourself an hour if you need. THEN when you are done, get up.  Walk over to the bathroom, turn the water on - splash some on that beautiful face of yours, grab a towel, dry those eyes and then lean forward and look hard into that mirror and SEE YOU.  REALLY see you.  The Bible tells us in Mark 12:31 to "Love our neighbors as we love ourselves."  But here is the thing -how can we do that when we haven't been loving ourselves?  If we loved ourselves - we'd care about the desires of our hearts, we'd believe in ourselves, we wouldn't settle for less. We'd go forward and try to become what we want to become and if we fell - we'd pick ourselves up, wipe off our knees and with a look of determination TRY AGAIN.  Many of us have given up on ourselves.  Why? My guess is for many reasons.  Life happens, disappointments occur, problems occur.  We get weighed down by our own worries.  We put ourselves last.  We hold the door open for everyone else BUT our very own selves.  And behind our shoulder, just silently allowing us to do this because He has given us free will is our Father.  Who has given us all the tools we need to be successful within ourselves.  He has given us each different gifts, but you know - someone can give you a gift - but unless you "open up the box" you will never know what is inside it.

Don't you think its time you "loved yourself" enough to move forward?  Life is so short and time is precious.  And here is the other thing - YOU are important. You matter.  What is in that box? Where will it take you if you allow yourself to tap into all the potential and gifts God has given you?  Shouldn't you be excited? Shouldn't you want to know "what happens next?"  It's time you had a love affair - with a very special person. That person is Y O U.

Have You Become Bitter or Better?

He's Got You - Whether You Feel It Or Not

We've all gone through different situations through this journey called life - I can't help but think of how the scriptures refer to us as clay. Specifically put: "But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand," (ISA 64:8.)

Some days I feel the kneading of my Father's hands - molding me, shaping me into what I don't know. But I know that HE knows.  Some days I feel so raw, the emotions of what has happened in my life fresh and apparent before me. Maybe "exposed" is more the appropriate term to use  or "vulnerable" or "uncertain" or yes - even at times, scared.  I think once you go through a life-threatening situation you see so clearly how precious life is.  Every day is a gift. We take so much for granted.  We talk about "what are you doing tomorrow? What are your plans?" But the truth is - we are not promised tomorrow.  We think we are - but we are not.  Our minds generally don't go there.

I feel that rawness today. When you are a survivor you feel such a responsibility to LIVE, especially when you see some of your Pink sisters "earning their wings" and being called home. There is always that silent question in your head as to "why is she gone and I am still here?"  I am blogging about this today - because its so important for us all to remember to make every moment count and not to let the "little stuff" get us down. To "count your blessings." To realize that our lives truly are in HIS hands. Not to be fearful, but to be aware. To be thankful.  To recognize the things that we need to change within ourselves and strive to change them (or to pray and ask Him to help us change them - and my "stuff" may be different then yours.  But remember "There go I but for the grace of God."). This morning I saw a saying that was true and is worth sharing, it went like this.

"Although we pray for serenity to accept the things we cannot change, I continually strive for strength and courage to change the things I cannot accept."

You know, in writing this - it just occurred to me - Jesus must have felt something similar to a survivor when He sat in the Garden of Gethsemane and prayed, the Bible describes that He even cried before the Father. How it constantly amazes me that the Bible is the living Word. He contemplated his fate and begged that the cup be taken away from Him - yet still He went forward knowing what would occur (because He loves us THAT much). When you are diagnosed with a life threatening disease, there is no sense as to WHY it is happening to you - yet after the shock subsides somewhat (being a survivor I don't think it ever fully goes away) you realize that we truly only see in part - God sees in full and perhaps we won't truly understand why "this cup" has been given to us.  But we can trust that He will never leave nor forsake us.  (He says so and He is not a God that He would lie).  I think that there are times when we just need to picture ourselves physically in His arms.  That He is holding us, and we just need to allow ourselves to feel and tell Him what it is that we are feeling.  (I know that at times this is harder to do than it sounds).  I think this can go for not only those of us who are cancer survivors but for anyone who is going through a specific hard time in their lives and doesn't understand the "why" or the how to continue on from point "A" to point "B"  - its okay that you don't understand, maybe this is just a time for you to "trust."

There was a game we use to play when I was a Counselor at a wonderful girls overnight camp.  The game was "Blind Man's Buff" - we were blind folded and had to walk around and trust that the person partnered to us in the game was going to lead us - and not allow us to bump into anything or get hurt. I think sometimes we have to "trust" that whatever our situation - God is there.  We have to put our trust in Him when it makes no sense. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.  We need to keep our eyes on Him - and when the pain seems to be too much - give it to Him.  Literally visualize Jesus with His hands stretched out wide to receive that situation from you.  Remember He tells us in Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I am not glad I have gone through breast cancer.  I'm thankful that I caught it early and that God has given me a second chance at life (please remember early detection is KEY and that if you notice any changes at all to your body - get it checked immediately. It's better to be overly cautious than to shrug something off that may be the difference between life and death. Please remember that if you want more information you should look at the top of my blog page and hit the pink ribbon). Yet at the same time I went through this horrible disease, and it has changed my life drastically in every way you can imagine, I'm not the same woman I was before my cancer experience (and I'm in fact, still learning this changed woman - physically, emotionally, spiritually.)  I have been made richer - in life.  Life use to be in "water colors" beautiful but now it's in more in vibrant bold and rich hues.  I can honestly show thanks to God with a sincerity that I did not have prior to my experience.  I think once again - that this can be the case for anyone going through any major upheavel or change in their life. Try to think about what you've learned from yourself because of this experience. How has it changed you? Have you allowed it to make you "bitter OR better?" 

Sometimes God needs people to go through certain situations so that they can extend their hand back to someone else who somewhere down the line needs advice, support and encouragement and that we in turn can say, "I hear you - I know because I've gone through it and I've come out stronger and more knowledgeable." Sometimes when we say, "Here I am Lord - send me." We really don't know how He is going to take us, mold us and use us.  But we can trust that if we ask, He will.  And if for myself, my experience, my words, my blog - can reach out and make a difference in just ONE person's life. Than I say it is and has been well worth the experience.

I'm Hungry - are YOU?

Are you Hungry? When we are physically hungry, we open up our mouths to receive food, nourishment. It is the same thing spiritually. You have to open up and receive whatever it is God has for you or that "hunger" won't go away.
*Photo compliments of publicdomainpictures.net

I woke up this morning with my heart yearning. For what? It wasn’t specific – but for something more. I think deep inside of us is tucked a way a desire that only God can fulfill. We try in so many ways to fill it with other things… But only one thing can “quench that thirst.” The thirst is for Him. The only way I can describe it – is this feeling that you are reaching for something, but you don’t know how to grasp it.  It’s in the inner core of you.  Sometimes its so raw and strong that there is no denying it. 

I woke up today around three a.m. which for me – not being a morning person, is not the norm.  I felt it. I sensed it, I recognized it – it’s like a calling or a lack... I don’t know how else to describe it.  We go through our lives filled with distractions. Caught up in problems and issues, and desires and we fill our lives with things that are trivial.  I think my soul was saying “I need MORE of you Lord. Fill those empty spaces.”

The one thing I have come to learn is that you can’t let people define who you are. After 18 years of being married – I am on my own and it is easy to feel like a “failure.” How many times have you felt like that? Here is the thing though. I’m NOT. Neither are you. We are an imperfect people. I think that we as long as we have breathe in our bodies – we will constantly be growing, changing, learning.  As long as we are open to it. I look at David in the Bible and I see all the transitions he went through.  Always loving the Lord – not always doing what he should, or even what he knew to be right. Yet still God loved him.  He never gave up on Him.  There are consequences to our decisions and to our actions, yet hopefully what those consequences are times we have learned from things we have experienced, or done.  I think that everyone has a bit of “prodigal” in them – and the important thing – is to recognize it, realize it and want to grow from it.  The scary thing is when you just shrug it off and deny it.  I always thought it was strange how in the garden of Eden Adam and Eve after having a relationship with God – hid from Him.  You can’t HIDE from God.  That is almost silly?  Kind of like the game we play with our kids “peek-a-boo.” Whatever state I am in – I am constantly aware that my Heavenly Father sees me. And here is where He differentiates from US – HE LOVES US REGARDLESS.

I’ve been thinking of how hard it must be – when God has our “best” interest in mind, and we go off course.  How He must want to wave His arms and say, “No! No my child! THIS WAY! Over here!!!!” But we in our stubbornness and willfulness don’t always listen and we go away. But the thing is – I think that He allows us to go only so far before He yanks us back.  There is something inside of us that was made ONLY for Him.  Nothing can fill it – it’s a void, its got only one key to it – and it is HIM.  Why are we so hard-headed? I know I am.  I thank God that even at my worst moments – He has never left nor forsake me.  It is truly His Grace, His Love, His mercy that reaches out and touches my soul and makes me realize that no matter where I am spiritually – He made me for HIM. And regardless of how I am feeling about my life or myself. He loves me unconditionally. He looks at our hearts. He sees US. He calls us by name.  Sometimes the hardest part – is seeing beyond our own faults to see what He sees.  It is just for that same very reason He sent His Son to die on the cross for forgiveness of our sins.  He knew that we couldn’t be “good enough” – we don’t have the ability in and of ourselves.  I think when we realize that – we realize why it says in the Bible “Abba Father!” (Romans 8:15) if your child cried out for help – would you stand there and look at them blankly? NO, you would go running. RUNNING to help your child. To be there, to wrap your arms around them and hold them close.  “If we being evil would give such good gifts to our children, how much MORE so does He want to bless us?” (Matthew 7:11) We need to let Him.  Simply let Him.  I think the best way of doing that – is recognizing the need.  Close your eyes for a moment and say it.  It helps sometimes to say it out loud.  “Lord, I need you. I recognize that need. I can’t fill that need by myself. It has to be YOU.  I feel lost. I feel sometimes hopeless. I don’t always understand the things I see around me. Or the things that are happening within my life.  Sometimes I feel claustrophobic.  Like there is no way out.  Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get it right.  That I’m like one of those gerbils on a wheel, going round and round and making no progress.  I need You. I don’t know how to accept Your help, so I just stand before you – confessing my need. Believing that because You are God that You will fill that need. That You (inspite of myself) will do Your good and perfect will in my life. I recognize the need for YOU Father. I believe Your Word where you say that You will complete a good work in me.  Even when I don’t believe it for myself. I believe it because YOU SAID IT. Be glorified. Forgive me for the times I have missed the mark due to my own stubbornness and willful spirit. Thank You that You don’t see me as I see myself.  Help me to see myself with Your eyes. I believe You at Your Word Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.”

Stand back and see the difference God is going to make and then, when you see it and you recognize the good work He is doing in your life. SHARE it with someone else who has been at the point YOU were once at. He allows us to go through situations so that we can extend the right hand of fellowship behind us and be there for the next person.  Isn’t that what fellowship is all about?”

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It

The Long & Winding Road is Really Not As "Less" Travelled as You Think...

Does Your Life Feel Like a Long and Winding Road?



 Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person that you see?  I don't mean physically... Do you look at yourself and wonder how life has brought you to the point you are currently at? Are you at cross roads in your life? Are you so busy being everything for everyone else that the you have lost touch with who you are to you?

I often wonder if that is something that everyone experiences at one time in their life or other. I know I have experienced that this year.  My birthday is next week, a milestone. My first birthday being a breast cancer survivor.  Last October I was sitting in a chemo chair on my birthday, receiving chemotherapy and thinking, "I am doing this so that I can hopefully have the ability to celebrate MANY more birthdays."  That is what got me through.  And here I am now, a year later - getting ready to celebrate the "many more" and my emotions are a mess.  There is so much noise in my own head I can't even hear myself think. I just want to put my hands over my ears and yell "QUIET!!!"  But then I think the "quiet" would scare me.  Because then I would have to allow the thaw to occur... You know - when you keep yourself so busy by all that life has that you don't have time to "feel."  Its those times of quiet that overwhelm me and I have to look at the discord my life has been in for ohhh so many reasons - I can blame them all on cancer, but that wouldn't be the honest truth... Sometimes I think we need to look back and say, "okaaayyyyy - how did I get on this road I'm on.  When did I really need to change course?  And WHY? 

I think that is especially true for those of us who have been in a prodigal state.  I can see the things that brought me to a certain point.  A shake up occurred.  There are other ways a person medicates themselves that is not drugs or alcohol.  There are many ways a person can numb themselves in the hopes that the pain would pass. 

Are there times in your life when you wondered if God was really there?  If He was listening? If He had turned His back? If He had given up on you? If you had surprised Him?  If He left you like others have?  Is it hard for you to understand a Father's love when the father you had wasn't there for you? Abandoned you? Is it hard for you to believe that He is reaching out His hand to grasp yours and let you know, "It's okay." That people disappoint you all the time - but that He never will?  Do you blame Him for the hurts that have occurred in your life to the point that you will not allow Him to heal you in all ways you need?  Are you reading my words and saying, "OUCH?"

When I read about the prodigal, I am moved by the fact that the scripture says in Luke 15:20 of the prodigal who decided to go back home:

"But while he was still along way off his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him, he ran to his son and threw his arms around him and kissed him."  

The part that got me was that WHILE HE WAS A LONG WAY OFF.  "While I was a long way off...." "While YOU are a long way off..." Your Father is running to YOU.  He is running to you with His arms open wide.  He wants to give you a big bear hug.  He wants to gather you into His arms.  He wants to kiss you and show you how GLAD He is that you are making your way back to Him.  It doesn't matter WHAT you've done, or where you've gone.  He knows already.  And still He loves you.

Some of our roads "back home" are curvier than others.  Some are a longer distance back home.  But what matters is the fact that you recognize the need.  I'm asking God to show me how. To help me figure it out. We may not have all the answers - but HE does.

Our God is a God who would leave the other sheep to go find the one sheep that was lost.  That wandered off.  Luke 15:4 tells us:

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and one of them loses his way, does he not leave the other ninety-nine and goes after the lost sheep until he finds it?"

That goes right up there in my book with the prodigal's father running out to meet him.  That is the kind of Father we have.  Its up to us to "hug Him back." With all that love, how could we not?  Just open up your arms, receive and in return give back.  I think that is what He wants us to do, don't you?

The Three Billy Goats Gruff

Your Money or Your Life? A Serious Sign of the Times...

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
There is much more we need to be aware of - and not only aware but to be active and to take a stand against drug companies that are withholding chemotherapy to make more money. That is a picture of me - don't let it be a picture of YOU. Help take a stand.

I heard some very disturbing news this week.  News that makes you shake your head in disbelief and I have to share it with those of you who read my blog because it is just plain WRONG.

I want to start this out by saying - no one ever expects bad things to happen to them. No one.  No one "expects" to get cancer.  I remember being in such shock.  I had just finished having a moving sale.  I came into the house to clean up and take a shower - and there, right where you would place your hand to say the "Pledge of Allegiance" was a lump.  It was about the size of a quarter.  I remember looking down at it thinking, "What is THAT?"  Honestly, I didn't think much of it at the time.  Not once did it occur to me that it would be cancer. It didn't even cross my mind.  It wouldn't have, because there had been no history of it in my family.  I honestly didn't know anything about breast cancer, other than the pink ribbons I would see time to time on the back of someone's car or hanging in the store near the register to buy.  I didn't know a thing about it...

However, I DO come from a medical family and I knew that whatever it was, I needed to get it checked out. I called my mother and she encouraged me to make an appointment with my primary care physician, which I did the next day.

I had had my annual GYN exam a month ago, my pap smear and everything that a woman should have yearly to take care of themselves.  Now the one thing I hadn't had was a mammogram.  I had been told, now that I was in my forties that I needed to go have one done and I had been given the name of a place that did them and somewhere in the back of my head on my invisible "To-Do list" was listed - "have a mammogram."  So I was very surprised when my doctor felt under my left arm pit and looked at me concerned and said, "I want you to go have an ultrasound and I want you to have it now."

I walked across the hall, for the first time scared to get an ultrasound.  The rest of that day seems like a bad dream. What I had thought was nothing but PMS turned out to be a malignant tumor. Disbelief, shock, fear, worry - a million things go through your mind.  You feel like you are dreaming and you just want to wake up.  I can remember thinking, "This can't be happening to me?!"  There I was, by myself too shocked to even cry.

The worst part was having to wait until the results came back.  They had to do a biopsy.  I had to wait three days to get the results.  Talk about a living hell.  The waiting was awful... I don't even remember how I got through those days... My life felt surreal.  I remember going to work, getting off of work and then taking myself out to a restaurant and having a Pearl Harbor.  Being a Christian, one who hadn't had a drink since she was 21 - it felt real strange having a drink I hadn't had since my college days.  I remember turning to the waitress and shocking her by saying, "I haven't had a drink since college - but I am sitting here waiting on the results of a biopsy that will tell me whether or not I have breast cancer.  Don't you think I deserve this?"  I truly believe I shocked her.  In fact I know it.  I mean, what do you say to someone who tells you something? Honestly, if I had been her - I would have looked at me with compassion and said, "that drink is on the house..."

It turned out I had caught it early, but I had a very aggressive form of breast cancer - called Triple Negative. Now, I am in no where near an expect on this - but Triple Negative breast cancer can only be treated with chemotherapy and radiation.  When it comes to talking about it I am only a "little billy goat gruff" compared to my pink sisters, who have braved so much more than I. Wait - you haven't heard the story?  The one about the Three Billy Goat Gruffs?  I will post that instead of a song - so you will understand what I mean... It also turned out that I had what I refer to as "one bad node." Which meant I would have to undergo chemotherapy and radiation.  My world was turned upside down - if you read my other posts, you'll be able to see just how much...  I went from knowing nothing about breast cancer to having a crash course - one that I would have to complete quickly in order to understand what was going to happen next.

The strangest thing happens when you become a breast cancer patient.  All of a sudden when you see an oncologist - the choices are up to YOU.  They say things to you like, "What would you like to have? A lumpectomy or a mastectomy" as if you were in a store and you were picking out an item.  Honestly, I think that floored me more than any words can say.... Here I was coming to see them and they were giving ME choices.  I felt like - what do I know? How can I possibly make a decision like that when I know NOTHING except what I've just learned right now??? I didn't know there were several types of breast cancer.  I didn't know anything about it all... Something about the "C" word and all you hear is - "Blah blah blah - cancer. Blah blah blah  Chemotherapy..." I think one of the smartest things I did was have my mother go with me.  You see, I had to relocate back to my childhood home in Massachusetts from Upstate New York.  My mother being a medical professional knew (as did I) that the best place for me to go for treatment, was in Boston where I was from.  Some of the most world-wide reknown hospitals in Boston. I've worked at a few myself. I knew... In fact there had been at time years ago when I had actually worked at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute - how ironic it would be that I was going back as patient. I was to go through several rounds of what is referred to as "The Red Devil" - chemotherapy which consists of Adriaymycin and Cytoxan.  I would write more about it - but just the thought of that chemo makes me nauseous and sick to my stomach. So I hope you don't mind if I continue on from there... The color is red.  The smell - never leaves you. It is in my head forever. It feels like a bleach coursing through your veins.  It is all you can do to remember that this poison is to kill out any lingering cancer cells that may have gone from your nodes into your body.  I had to keep reminding myself of that through every treatment of it.  And as Forrest Gump would say, "That is all I've got to say about that..."

The next course of action for me - was a second chemotherapy called Tamoxifen.  It was a "walk in the park" compared to the Adriamycin/Cytoxan mix I had.  It made some of my fingernails and toenails fall off.  But compared to losing my life - that was a minor thing.

I cannot tell you how humbling it is - to lose your long curly hair, to lose hair all over your body - from your eyelashes, eyebrows to your nose hair, to the hair all over.  (Did you know that nose hair keeps your nose from running?) I probably learned more than I ever wanted to know about my body.  But you go through a plan of action with your Oncologist, and you do what you have to do - why? Because you have NO choice. I hear people telling me "how strong" I am all the time... But honestly, its not a matter of "strength" its a matter of doing what you have to do to get through it.  God gave me enough strength each day to get through the most difficult time in my life.  Even as my marriage was crumbling, even as I didn't have any answers or anyone around me except my kids, my mom and my brother and my bff from long distance.  It was at this time that I met through Facebook - the most amazing group of women I will ever have the honor of meeting.  I call them my "Pink sisters." Other women who were going through what I was going through.  They could understand.  They could share their experiences with me, answer questions.  Although we were not face-to-face we became a close knit group of women.  All of us trying to make sense of this horrible disease.

Although I started this blog out with my own experience - its not the reason I've written this blog tonight. I heard some unbelievable news from a dear sweet sister - one of my Pink sisters, who's mother is in need of a chemotherapy called, "Doxil."  This is what my sweet sister Kim, championing for her mother - wrote:

Dear Johnson & Johnson: I have arbitrarily decided that my Mother's life is worth exactly $1 Billion Dollars to me. She is on the "list" for your product Doxil, her only hope to continue living, and it is has been unavailable due to your "shortage" for three months. Your people within your great Personhood tell us that a small amount of Doxil will be released to the people on Schindler's List in 5 weeks. That is the story we have heard repeated for 12 weeks. Please, bump my Mother up on the list and get her her billion-dollar-life-saving chemo ♥


It is unimaginable to me - that a company would withhold a life-saving drug from a cancer patient - or anyone facing a life threatening illness regardless of the disease.  Yet from what I am hearing, that is exactly what is being done.  It is morally wrong. When we put money above people's lives - helping another human being. Providing what could possibly be the only medicine that could save a person's life - that's what I consider blood money.  The thing that is so head-shaking to me is that cancer is random.  No one is exempt from the possibility of getting it.  No matter how "healthy" you eat.  No matter what your weight.  The rich get it, the middle class, the poor.  It doesn't matter your race, your religion - any thing.  All of us have been affected by this horrible disease in one way or another.  If we don't take a stand for getting chemotherapy and any life saving medicines out to those who need it? WHO WILL?

So I ask you for you to pray for Kim's mom.  I don't know her name specifically - but that is okay, because God knows who she is... I cannot tell you how devastating getting cancer is - and not allowing yourself to get stressed out while going through ANY treatment.  But being told that they can't GET that treatment for you? Its just wrong....And it is up to US to do something about it.  It could be your daughter, your son, your husband, your mom - YOU.  I pray that God convicts those who are in the business of making chemotherapy and holding it back because THEY want more money.  Health Insurance cost so much as it is. Have we really become such a nation of greed? At the cost of people's lives?  God have mercy...

Because He Lives

"You Lookin' at Me?"



"You Lookin' At Me?"
Provided by Free Nature Pictures


Are there days when you wake up and you just want to S C R E A M?  No particular reason why, you just want to have one of those kid-like-roll-on-the-floor-type-temper-tantrum?  Today is one of those days for me... Now at 44 years if I did that, they'd probably come and put me in a white jacket and lock me up in a padded cell.  But when you think about it - I think if we allowed ourselves to have one of those it would do all of us a WORLD of good.  Better than any Yoga class, better than any exercise.  I think that keeping our emotions in and appearing "stoic" on the outside clogs us up like a stopped up drain.

Take a moment with me - try this! It's harder than it seems it would be.  Take out a piece of paper - write down ALL the things that you are feeling frusturated with.  Can you do it?  Let me see if I can do it... Here I go...

I'm frusturated that cancer has changed every portion of my life! That it was the breaking point in my marriage! That I had to go through treatments alone! That I'm struggling financially! That I'm having to adjust to being a "single parent" that I don't have all the answers! That I'm afraid of reoccurence! That I'm not promised tomorrow! That my body feels different than it did before surgery - even though I'm blessedly cancer-free! That everything I want seems dependent on money! That I'm not sure I should want the things that I want and if I got them if they would even workout or make me happier? That my emotions run up and down like a huge roller coaster ride! That sometimes God feels far away - even though I know He isn't and that I'm not suppose to go by my feelings - although my feelings are very strong! That God created me with the desire to LIVE although everything in this world dies and is not promised tomorrow!"

There! Ahhhhhh that feels somewhat better! Did you do it too? Now take a good look at that list (your list not mine.. hehehe)... What are YOU going to do about it? You can stew and sit and steam and do nothing to change your situation - or you can change your mind!  I choose to change my mind.  It is hard to accept that there are certain things that we have no control over.  But in saying that - even before I went through being diagnosed with breast cancer and having a quarter-size chunk removed from my left breast, and having gone through chemo and radiation I realize that - guess what? We NEVER have had control over our lives.  The Bible tells us "The Steps of the Righteous are Ordained by God."  Things happen to us that surprise us - but they don't surprise HIM. He sees down through the course of history - and yes even through what some of us think of as our "trivial lives" and knows.  He knows... (Does that bring tears to your eyes? Because its bringing tears to mine)...  And still He loves us.  He knows.  If He knew about it then, and He knows about it now - and STILL loves us than we have to love ourselves.  Love ourselves enough to accept that our lives are in His hands (by the way - they always WERE even before those unbelievable situations happened in your lives.  Even before you goofed up.) The difference the thing that matters MOST is what are YOU going to do?

Let me tell you a little story, one that I wrote off the top of my head...

There was once this frog.  He had somehow lost his way in a forest and was trying to find his way back to his pond.  As he was walking through the forest (or hopping rather..) he came to a clearing.  He saw a big pot filled with water and thought "oh my legs ache... Maybe if I just swim in that water for a little while I'll feel rejuvinated and will be able to find my way back to the pond."  So he jumped into the pot (not noticing the hot fire underneath it). It felt sooo good at first... The warm bath-like water was soothing and cajoling... He lay back and relaxed, "aaah, this is the life..." but after a while, he started feeling lethargic - the water felt warmer.  He began to squirm feeling uncomfortable, disoriented.  What had once felt good didn't feel good anymore.  He couldn't remember what to do?  Should he jump out of the pot back onto the hard ground? Unsure of how long it would take him to find water again? Or should he just stay there and squirm and try to adjust to the sudden spike in temperature of the water surrounding him?  The longer he stayed the hotter it got.  He began to get angry.  "Why is this water so hot! Why couldn't it stay warm? Why did I lose my way from my pond?!" He stamped his hot little foot in anger.  Then he realized he had to make a decision.  He could either stay in his discomfort and hope that it would get better by itself or he could jump out into the unknown and try to find his way back to his pond.  He jumped out from the pot onto the ground and looked up at the pot seeing the flame underneath it for the first time. Then he stopped looking behind him and focused on the pathway infront of him and went forward on his way."

We don't know what tomorrow holds - but it could be better than today? If we don't try - we won't know. If we don't believe and we settle and we stew and we complain - we may miss out on the blessings that are before us that we don't yet see. We can change the things about us that we are able to change.  So take a look at your list now.  (I'm looking at mine)..

Yes cancer has changed my life. Changed the way I think (taken away my bs meter...) but it has also brought into my life some of the most couragious, beautiful, strongest women I have ever met. Brought friends into my life that I never otherwise would have had the privelege of knowing.  Yes after 19 years of marriage I'm on my own.. But I have such love in my heart, so much to share, so much to experience, so much to do that I can't see myself being that way forever. So I've grown? Although I often get lonely and scared of these changes - they are not forever. That much I know. Sometimes change = growth. If we allow it. And as for my feelings - it is important not to be "led" by them but to acknowledge them for what they are. To do less is to dishonor yourself.

So you see? I'm changing the way I think. Are YOU? Why don't you try it and see what results you have. Be patient with yourself.  Changing the way you think takes time and if you are your own worst critic (like I am) then you are harder on yourself than anyone else is... I often think of the scripture "Love your Neighbor as your Love yourself." (Mark 12:30-31)But here is the thing - many of us are loving our neighbors MORE than we are showing our ownselves love.  I think the change has to start first with us.  I have started thinking about how this body of ours is a shell.  We are in-cased within it.  First there is our mind, our body and our spirit.  How interwoven these three things are.... I think if we "change our mind" we will see a better result in our body and in our lives and of course our spirit.  I hope that doesn't come off as "New Agey" because I'm not at ALL. But I do think that is even Biblical.  Afterall the Bible tells us: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

It's time to change your mind... And jump outta what ever pot you are stewing in... He's holding us in the palm of his hand (Isaiah 49:16) and He tells us "I will continue to do a good work in you until it is finally finished." (Phillipians 1:6)  Choose to believe it. Change your mind... It will change your life... I know, because its changing mine.

Yentl - Papa Can you Hear Me?

Don't Put Your Muck in My Backyard...

There is a song that we use to sing as campers, at my Camp - Camp Foss. The words of the song went like this:
"Don't put your muck in my backyard, my back yard, my back yard, Don't put your muck in my back yard, my back yard's full..."


It was just a fun song that we use to sing - how strange is it that that seems to be the mentality of today? Everyone is concerned with themselves more than they are concerned with their neighbors?  What would happen to the world if everyone had that "Me! Me! Me!" mentality?

I had an eye opening conversation with a 21 year old boy this weekend - and I say "boy" because that was the mentality he had.  It was my father's birthday, I should mention that my father passed away 9 years ago... However, I have this tradition of honoring the memory of him by buying flowers, and a balloon and taking them to the cemetery.   Now I know my dad is in a "better place" but it makes ME feel good to be able to honor him this way.  I know this may be a bit childlike - but I like to walk over to his stone, talk to him a bit about life and what's going on and then, kiss the balloon, hold it close for a moment - sing Happy Birthday and then - release it, off into the air.  Here is the childlike faith part -part of me believes that God allows this balloon right into Heaven where my father is.  I watch it take off and go as far as it can possibly go until its out of sight....

Well, there I was in Stop & Shop, I had the balloon picked out and was waiting for the sales guy (him) to blow it up with helium for me.  As he was unpacking the mylar from its wrapping he noticed the balloon said, "Happy Birthday Dad" and he asked me if I was going to a birthday party for my father.  I told him that the balloon was in memory of my father, that I was honoring him and how.  He blinked, looked at me and said, "Don't."

Raising an eyebrow, I looked back at him and said, "I beg your pardon?"

He looked at me and said, "Why are you doing that? How long has your father been gone?"

I met his look with a stern one of my own, trying to hold back my temper.  "He's been gone for nine years now, but it still feels like yesterday."

He looked at me surprised and said, "You should just forget about him."

I was now offended.  I looked down my nose at him, feeling "old" for the first time.  "That is simply ridiculous.  You don't just "forget" your parents.  I'll never forget my father.  How old are you?" I asked him.

He looked surprised.  "I'm 21," He said.

"Well that is still awfully young." I said condescendingly.  "One day you'll understand.  If your parents passed away you would know how terribly hard it would be to just "forget them."

"No it wouldn't." He said.  "I always remember my mother."

"Probably when you want something..." I said under my breath.  He must of heard me...

"Yes, that is exactly when I remember her." He said.

I looked back at him surprised by his audacity.  He really meant what he said.

Now I don't know what his life "situation" has been with his parents, but from the calm manner he presented he came off as a brat.

"One day your parents aren't going to be here and you will miss them - even if right now you think you won't." I said to him with an air of someone who is "ohhh so much older and wiser than he. You don't realize it now because you haven't gone through it yourself.  I suggest when you get off work and go home you hug your mother tightly because not one of us is promised tomorrow."

"When my mother passes away," He said looking me straight in the eye. "As close as we are, I will forget about her."

I threw him a look of genuine disgust and pity.  "Thank you for blowing up the balloon for me." I said, and I walked away.

I felt extremely bad for his mother. For his parents.  I think about all I try to do (and have done) for my children and I hope at the very, very least if I should pass away that they would never choose to forget me.  To me that would be the ultimate heart breaker.

I also could not help but think about the scripture that talks about the "sign of times." It almost made the hair on my arms rise up with the matter of fact manner he seemed to be able to say, "when they are gone - forget them."

2nd Timothy 3:2 describes it this way:  "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,"


Is that what we have come down to? Not a day goes by that I do not miss my father.  We had an imperfect relationship, but I loved him, there were times I did not like him - but I always, always loved him.  You do not realize how short life is until you have faced it yourself.  Until you have lost a parent and you would give your "right arm" just to be able to hug them one more time and say thank you.

Being a breast cancer survivor, one who caught it early - I've been given a second chance at life.  It changes your perspective.  When you are young, you don't realize that it doesn't necessarily mean that bad things are going to wait until you are old to happen.  Guess what? They happen to young people too.  I should know - I'm not that old.  Compassion, love and respect are things that should happen TODAY.  We've all heard the saying "Don't put off tomorrow what you could do today?" (I think that is right... but if not, you know what I mean.)  Don't wait to say your "I love you's" now.  You may regret it tomorrow....

And there aren't enough balloons in the whole world to make that sorrow go away...

Sandi Patty His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Are you Settling for Less? WHY?

It's right there in black and white - the best love story ever....

I woke up this morning excited about the future.  It's been a while since I've felt that way, I guess because so much has happened within the last two years... Have you ever woken up excited about doors that are opening?  You want to peek and see, but you have to wait. Like a kid on Christmas Eve! I actually feel like "giggling." How silly is that?

I posted a question on my FB that really made me think this morning... The question was "If you became stranded on an island, what would you bring?" And why is it that no one ever thinks of saying - "A boat?" (LOL) How obvious an answer is that? Yet I've not heard that answer before... Its as plain as the nose on a face.  Then I started thinking about why? Maybe its because we don't "want" to get off that island? Maybe its because we don't "think" we deserve to get off that island? Maybe its because we are "hiding" from everyone else or we isolate ourselves?  It got me thinking... What if there is something "better" than that Island - yet we don't consider that?? Hmmmmmm....

I'm going in a direction I never saw myself going. Although my life has changed so drastically, I'm in a total foreign circumstance. Learning as I go.  Putting things behind me and trying my best to move forward.  There is one thing that I DO know, and that is that God has called me to write. It's something that he told me 20 years ago but I never believed in myself (or in Him using me?) enough to be obedient enough to do it... Imagine if the Apostles had done that? Not allowed God to use them? Where would we be now? Hmmmm....

I've also been thinking about how we don't see the "full' picture.  Maybe sometimes God has to do things to capture our attention?  We don't always listen or perhaps "hear" Him.  Maybe He is at a point in some of our lives where He's now waving his hands over His head, or taking two fingers into his mouth whistling "Hey Kelly! Over here!!!"  Did you ever think about that?  I have to believe that the things that happen to us in this life - happen for reasons we don't know, or can't fully understand.  I have to believe that in the long run - it works out to God's good.  Even when we are having a "Huh? Are you kidding me?!!" moment.  

There are times in my life (especially recently) where I haven't felt God's arms around me. Holding me tight. Now I know we are not "suppose" to go by "feelings."  But that is a meter like a thermometer of what we are thinking... I've been so wrapped up in the situation(s) or problems, or trying to figure it out on my own not realizing that perhaps I don't have the "knowledge" or the "tools" to do it myself, no matter how hard I try.  Somethings we just have to "Let go and Let God." And I think maybe, that is what He wants us to do.  I'm not saying that this can't be painful.  It's hard to release things to Him.  Fully let go. Fully trust.  I don't know about you, but sometimes for me - its that I don't "believe" God will love me enough to help me through it.  (How ridiculous is THAT when He sent His son to die on the cross for forgiveness of my sins??!) My little petty problems that are so big to me are NOTHING to our Creator. 

Here is an example - I was hoping and praying for something this week. I wanted it soooo badly. I was depending on it.  I even had my sisters and brothers in Christ praying about it for me.  I never got an answer - even at the due date that had been the deadline.  I was majorly disappointed.  But then I got a call from someone about something else. Something so huge it was better than I ever imagined.  And it got me thinking - maybe what we think is our "best" is not our best at all.  Maybe God wants to bless us MORE abundantly than we can imagine?!  Imagine that?!!! I have a pretty big imagination.  So that is hard to fathom! (LOL).  I think we often forget how MUCH He loves us.  He came so that we could have life and have it MORE abundantly! (Ephesians 4:20)  Why don't we believe that?  

If you are a parent - don't you want to bless YOUR child more abundantly than you had as a kid?  You do your best to provide and give them every privilege they can have.  What makes us think that our Heavenly Father is any different?  I think sometimes we are not open to receive.  We think we are "unworthy" (and we are) but the fact is - It is not by power, not by might but by HIS Spirit. (Zech 4:6)

For the first time in a long time - I feel God's presence moving me, gently - like he is touching my shoulder and turning me around. Is that happening to you? Are you aware of it if it is?  Like He is gently saying, "This way my daughter, its time to turn around. I've watched you struggle, I've stood back and watched you get lost going your own way. But YOU belong to ME. I have called you by name. YOU are MINE."  That is what I'm hearing and even in my Prodigal state - His turning my shoulder is that of a parent who will not take no for an answer. How does He do that?  He changes the desires of your heart. What was once appealing - is no longer.  I think in the 23 years I've been saved the most powerful times.  The times that I have truly known that a relationship with God is a personal one-on-one thing is the times where He has made me "change my mind."  Like when you once liked something, and all of a sudden you don't have a taste for it anymore.  Or maybe He shows you - you wanted this. Are you SURE about that?  Let me give you a wake up call so that you can see that perhaps what you thought you wanted, isn't what you think it is."  And then He takes the scales off your eyes and you see.... "Wow... That isn't what I thought I wanted."  How could I not see it?? And then you start praising Him because He is full of grace and patience and love to see you through whatever the situation is and then gently turns your shoulder to make you go down the pathway He has for you.

I'm not saying this is an easy thing. I'm not saying its not one that doesn't take time.  But maybe what God has for us, is so much greater than what WE had planned for OURSELVES??? And maybe - just maybe we need to trust Him a little more to believe that He has our best interests in mind? Even when we don't think He loves us enough (because perhaps we haven't loved ourselves enough?).  How can we not trust a God who says "He holds us in the palm of His hands??" (John 20:24-48).  How gentle is that? Isn't that the best place to be? That's where I long to be. How about you?  Maybe there is SOOO much more then we can imagine there is for us.  Maybe we should give Him a chance to reveal it.  I'm going to.  How 'bout you?

Please pass me some of that Abundancy... Ahhh yes - thank you!

Be careful what you ask for... You MIGHT just get it... Is the saying that is going through my head these days.  I feel like one of the cars in the movie "Cars."  God is "under my hood" working his magic in a way that only the Creator knows how to do.

When you open yourself up for the Lord to change you - and you don't SEE how He will, it doesn't mean He won't.  Maybe He is giving you "new realizations" about yourself?  Maybe He's giving you a second chance? He Created YOU its NOT that hard for HIM to do.  "Not by power, not by might but BY MY SPIRIT" (sayeth the Lord).

Oh how we think we know ourselves so well! Then perhaps we are given a viewpoint from Him that shows that we really know NOTHING about ourselves afterall.  I think that is because we see in part - but HE sees in full.  The changes He makes inside of us, enable us to see things more clearly.

Maybe the "front window" of your car needs cleaning.  So you can see things more clearly. Were you looking at things with "rose colored glasses?" And once your windshield was cleaned off you realize that what you thought you were seeing was not really what was there afterall?  Maybe at first you felt shocked.  That's not what I saw! You said.  Is God showing you the truth?

I have found that when He does that with me.  He does it with a gentle arm around my shoulder.  Probably because He knows I am my own "worst critic."  His Fatherly voice whispering in my ear. "There Kelly, do you see now? Sit with me a while longer. I know what I'm doing in your life.  You don't always have to know. But you do have to know that what I DO and what I say is for a reason that perhaps at this time you cannot comprehend.  Much like when you try to direct your own children into a certain direction, and all they see you saying is NO."

As the road before me gets clearer.  I know what I want.  I know what I see. The best place to be is in the center of His will.  I'm not saying it doesn't cause "growing pains." Ohhh how I am feeling them.  I'm not saying it will be easy - Oh how its NOT.  I am not sure what direction He is taking me.  But I know that even though I have felt like He is far away - He hasn't been, He's not.  He can take my mistakes and use them to glorify Himself.  I guess that is the one good thing about being a person who is transparent.  I don't know "how" to be "fake."  I never have.

What I love so much about the Lord.  Is that He is in the business of "changing us."  When we can't do it ourselves, and when we open ourselves up to Him doing it, He does miraculous things.  He tinkers inside of us and changes our desires to line up with His will.  Maybe its because we are not strong enough to do it ourselves. He takes the desire right out of us. CHANGES us so that we no longer want what we thought we wanted. I think its a process though.  Not something that happens overnight, although I suppose He can make it that way, afterall - He's God! He is able.

I don't think God makes bad things happen to us.  I think that is the result of sin in the world.  But I DO think that God uses the bad things that happen to us for GOOD. I don't think God "gave me" breast cancer.  I think He used it to capture my attention.  To show me what is important to me. What NEEDS to be important. Maybe I would have settled all my life.  Maybe I wouldn't have come to the point that I am at now.  I am not "glad" I went through breast cancer.  I rejoice that I am healed and cancer-free.  That He brought me through it.  I am forever changed inside and out.  It made me realize ohhh so many things that perhaps I would not have realized before.  Things like:

1) I have much clearer understanding of what is important and what isn't.
2) I try to live life FULLY because I realize its a GIFT and can be taken away at ANY TIME
3) I have more compassion and am less selfish
4) I realize that I can never ever ever settle for LESS at any given point in my life
5) I have become less judgmental.  If you haven't walked in someone's shoes - what GIVES you the right to judge them??? You don't KNOW the whole story. But God does. Leave the judging to Him.  People followed Jesus because He spoke the truth with COMPASSION.  How sad it is that that is greatly lacking in most of our churches today. When you think about that - that is a cancer, in and of itself! It needs to be corrected so that brothers and sisters in Christ can be restored. The hurting should be able to come to the church, not feel like they have to "stay away." That MUST grieve the Holy Spirit greatly...

I also have less tolerance for people who say they want to change but don't.  Not for the people that "can't" but for the people who are unhappy in their lives and unwilling to do anything about it.  I have less tolerance for empty promises. Actions mean a lot more to me because they show the intent.  If you want something to truly happen, you will do everything you know how to make it happen.  That's the change. That's the difference.

I know what I want - do YOU??? Ask yourself if you don't.  What is important to me right now at this very moment is:  My health, stability, routine, the well being of my children, the ability to move forward. To be surrounded by people who love me and are my real friends. I am far from perfect - but at least I can admit it to God.  I see no point in hiding it, He sees everything anyways. He knows the desires of your heart.  He created you!

Life is short - God said that He wants us to have life and have it ABUNDANTLY.  He wouldn't have said that in His Word if He didn't mean it. I think its time I had a helping of "abundancy" - how about YOU?

Nicole C. Mullen - Redeemer - Video

After a Storm, Comes the Rainbow - So Hold on! Don't Give in, Give up or Let Go! 

Preview


Change...  I suppose its one of those things that is inevitable... I never much liked it.  Although sometimes "change" is a good thing. I suppose this is one of those moments...


Half the time we don't see it coming. We don't plan for it. We could be going full throttle in one direction when the winds of change come and our course is in the other direction.... The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:12  "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."


We only see in part. God sees the full picture. We don't.  Maybe that is His grace. Thinking about that as I type these words, I think - He sees the "fullness of me" and yet - He STILL loves me.  Even when I feel unlovable.  Even when I don't love myself enough.  Even when I make mistakes.  Even when I am at my worst - He saw it all and still He died on that cross for forgiveness of my sins. (And YOURS!)


Part of me is glad I don't see the full picture of my life - because I don't think I could have handled seeing that I would go through breast cancer, chemotherapy, radiation before the actual moments occurred.  I certainly didn't see the break down of my marriage before it occured. (Although there were signs)...  And there are good things too. My children - each one special, unique. Every change is not a bad change.  I guess you appreciate the good more because of the bad...  


Throughout this journey called life - we are constantly learning about ourselves, aren't we?  The scripture "Pride before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18) is so accurate.  And you can feel "prideful" and not even know it - until you've fallen and you're wondering "what the heck happened?"  And all of a sudden you have a new understanding of God's grace. To me, its immeasurable. We use to sing a song in church that went "It's me Lord standing in the need of prayer."  It's not until you experience "change" that you are in a place you never *thought* you'd be - that you realize that God's grace REALLY does pertain to you.  And its not by your actions, its not by your "being good enough" that gets you there. It's by HIS GRACE ALONE.


I feel His grace, His mercy this morning as I sit in my new quiet home. The kids are with their father.  How strange it is to write that... I am 2 1/2 hours away.  I wish I could say that cancer "changed" my family and perhaps it did - but the changes began earlier than that - cancer just quickened it.  We think we have control over our circumstances... We don't. Be careful over thinking that you have "steady feet" because this "balancing beam" called life can change in an instant and all you "thought" you knew you realize you didn't really know much at all.


What have I realized as I look back on my past year? I realize that peace is important, I realize that lots of discord can affect your health.  I realize that it is important for a person to have a "sanctuary. I realize that it is not my place to judge someone. (and to leave all the judging to a God who sees in full - while I just see in part).


I don't know what the future holds for me - I only know "Who holds me." (In the palm of His hand).  When you hold something in the "palm of your hand" you are holding it gently, lovingly, carefully as if it matters to you.  I matter to God.  *Smiling* and so do YOU. His grace and his mercy pertains to all of us who are willing to receive it. What a wonderful realization to start this day off... and you know what? No matter what change comes my way - that is all I really need to know.