Listen - do you Hear it? He's talking to you...

People can be soooo judgemental. Everyone thinks they "have the right answer." They think "they know how you should be and what you should do and how you should live." Most of this comes from well-meaning relatives (and ironically some that are not Christians).  There are sooo many voices around us that sometimes its hard to know which voice to lesson to.

"You should be doing this..."
"You need to do this..."
"Why aren't you doing that?"
"If only you..."

Most of it is well intentioned.  But they are small "pricks" against your spirit. When the voices of judgement and opinion are growing louder - we need to go off some place (possibly alone) gather our thoughts together and sit quietly - hope to hear from the ONE voice who matters.  Throughout my walk with the Lord the times I've heard His voice - it has been gentle and softly spoken.  I've had to really "listen" to hear it.  But I have heard it.  Maybe he knows that I come from a family of "yellers." (Except for my mother - when I was growing up and my mother got mad - her voice got quieter and quieter... you knew that when she got like that - you were in serious trouble! Dad was a yeller but mom - well she was the one who made the hair on my arms go up! ) But God's voice has always been (for me) gentle and quiet.  And the times I have heard it I have had to quiet my soul.  Sit quietly at a park, or some place where I have to "listen." And it hasn't been an easy thing.

I remember I had been a Christian for a little over a year and I wanted to know the plans that God had for my life.  So I was seeking His face (talking to him through prayer, reading my Word).  I can remember the day so well.  I was at work - typing.  I had been praying, "Lord - what have you called me to do? What is my purpose in life?" And as i sat there working, I heard his gentle voice whisper in my ear. "Kelly, I've called you to write."  And I was surprised, because writing is something I've done for as long as I can remember... I heard His voice say to me, "its as plain as the nose on your face.."  (You see, my Father has a sense of humor...) I can remember thinking - how strange it is that writing had never occurred to me.  I've kept a journal or diary since I was a young girl.  Use to write short stories ALL the time.  But you see, sometimes the gifts God has given us are sooo obvious that we miss them.  We take them for granted.  What gifts do you use daily without realizing it?  Those are your talents.  Each of us has them - but not many of us "tap into them."  He has made you special.  One of a kind.  Like a fingerprint there is no one like you.  Sometimes we don't have enough confidence within our selves to even see what gifts we have.

When you are in a prodigal state its hard to believe that God is listening.  You know you are off track in your walk and if you really love the Lord and are not a hypocrite you may have a hard time praying.  One of my best friends (who is also one of my Sisters-in-Christ) recently told me.  "Kelly - God loves the backslidder."  All throughout the book of Hosea God is talking about the backslidder... (In fact even as I'm typing this I'm thinking I need to read that part of my Bible again...) It says in Hosea 14:4

"I will heal their backslidding.  I will love them freely."

How wonderful is our God?  How compassionate, how loving, how patient, slow to anger.  This makes me feel even more convicted because I think about Jesus dying on the cross for forgiveness of my sins.  I see Him in my mind - looking waaaaaay into the future - seeing ME. Me in my prodigal state.  And taking on my sins to die in my place.  How can a person not feel convicted when they think of that? Many of my brothers and sisters in Christ might read my blog and think - she's being overly critical of herself.  Allowing the devil to beat her up. Or maybe - they will think "we ALL sin."  Yes we do.  That is true.  But here is the thing. And of course this is only my opinion and I can only talk for myself.  Where I am at my walk right now.

Discouraged, angry, let down. STUCK.  It becomes a cycle.  I think perhaps there are "different" types of Prodigals.  It depends upon your situation. And by NO means do i feel as though using the label "prodigal" is a phase that a person should you in their walk to continue to walk in disobedience and sin.  I can be honest about the situation I'm in in my life right now.  I'm not excusing it, I'm being honest.  This is the place I am in.  I don't expect to remain in this spot for the rest of my life.  But for the time being, while I figure it out, while I pray, while I admit to my short comings before my Father.  This is where I am.  But the one thing I DO know - is that God can be glorified through every situation.  He uses our circumstances (if we allow Him to - because we always have free will) to glorify Himself.  Perhaps I am in this place in my life to be able to affectively minister to someone else later down the line... Having to go through this period to be able to really know "where they are at." And hopefully at some point be able to say - "I've BEEN there.  I KNOW what your feeling and what your going through..." If we don't go through ups and downs in our journey - how can we really reach others who like me right now - feel "unreachable?"  That is one of the lies of the devil.

I don't know what my life will be like in a month, in a year - or ten years from now... Perhaps that is part of my problem.  I am a planner and the plans I had thought were set for myself - have diminished.  Soooo I am going through a wilderness experience.  And much of it is my own fault. I freely admit that as i try to find my way back on the pathway He has for me.  But there is another scripture.  (See? They are all hidden in my heart - although I will admit to having to search through Google or Christianity Online to find where exactly they are... You should never just believe what someone says - just because they say it... That is why I try to find out where the scriptures that come pouring out of my heart are...) The scripture I'm thinking of is 1 Corinthians 13:12:

"Now we see a poor reflection - as in a mirror. Then we shall see - face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as i am fully known."

Your Father loves you.  No matter what state you are in.  I think the most important thing we can do - is continue learning, growing, being honest and transparent and looking to Him for the answers.  Listen for His quiet voice - its there.  We just need to be still enough to hear it.