** Photo from Imagebank.org.UK
I've woken up this morning, four days after surgery - and I need to spend time praising God. Its been a few days since I've been able to blog because they removed the lymph node pad right under my left arm (under my underarm) and they've placed a plastic tube that is threaded into my left breast to the point where they removed the lump and it drains any liquid that tries to gather there after surgery goes down through this tube and out to this little squeezy thingy that has to be emptied twice a day. Its painful at times which makes it hard for me to type. But I want to praise God for the surgery is over. I was surprised that "the girls" (as I've heard a few women refer to them - hehehehe) - look the same! Although I'm going through an "I'm not talking to you anymore" feeling with them - which I guess is totally normal... One day perhaps they'll feel like they belong to me again.. Right now, I'm thoroughly disgusted with both of them! I can almost hear the "right one" saying 'Hey! I didn't DO anything! And elbowing the other saying, "Look what you did! Now she's mad at ME too!" ;P
I know I know "ridiculous" but I'm a dork and proud of it... ;P
I've been kind of frustrated with myself. I think many of us are our own worst critics. We are extra hard on ourselves. But I also have been thinking about Adam & Eve. How when they sinned in the Garden of Eden they immediately blamed "each other" instead of taking responsibility for their actions. Kind of like our children do "she did it its HER fault. No HE did it! He made me do it!" But you know, we grown ups do that too. We don't take responsibility for our actions. We find excuses. "Well this was going on. Or I deserve this.." Or something else. When really, we are responsible for all decisions we make. God has given us free choice. Even though its difficult to admit when we are "wrong" I think that is the first part to a Prodigal making their journey back home. I'm not saying its easy. I'm not saying its something that happens overnight. But I am saying that we can admit it in the quiet of our own souls. God hears it. Even if that is ALL you can do right now. "Lord, I've got some issues deep inside of me that are at war with each other. I can't seem to work it out on my own - I need YOU to help me. We are not to go by our feelings - but sometimes our feelings are so strong - they get in the way. So I will pray - Lord CHANGE ME. I do not have the power or strength to change myself. So I have to go to You - my Creator. CHANGE ME. I give this to You Father. It's too big for me. I can't see my way around it. But YOU can. You are bigger than my situation. Bigger than my desires, bigger than my feelings. I give this to You. I let go and give this situation to YOU. You know what it is. In Jesus name I let it GO. Its Your's now. I will not let the devil beat me up over it ANYMORE. I am your child. HELP ME. Amen." - Whatever it is that is hindering you - give it to Him. There are some situations or some things that we cannot do anything about. But HE can. That does not mean its not your fault that you are there in the first place. Because the Bible tells us "With every temptation God will provide a way out." He will provide the way out - but its up to US to take it. We don't always take the easy way out do we? We forget that the things the Father tells us - are to guide us. He knows so much more than we do. We forget that. He's not being a "mean daddy" so stop with the temper tantrum cuz He'll just wait you out and say, "Are you done yet?" What He says is for our good. We forget that. We want to "help Him" - sometimes we say, "No Father - go THIS way!" And we take the steering wheel and we drive. And He sits back and looks at us and whispers gently in our ear "When you are ready to let me drive- you let me know." And when we find ourselves "lost" or having made "a mess of things" when we are ready to let Go and let God and give Him back the wheel. He looks over at us and says, "Let's go home now."
One thing that has amazed me during my 22 years of being a Christian, is the fact that my Father never raises His voice at me. His voice is always gentle. Has that been the case with you? Wow - I can feel it - the "peace that passes all understanding" flowing through me after praying that. The relief that comes with knowing that no matter what the "mess is" God can clean it up. No matter what my "heart says" My heart belongs to God. Let go - give it to Him. It may not be an instantaneous thing. It may be something that God changes within you in His time. But if you give something to Him - its NOT your responsibility anymore. It's His. Think of all the times since you accepted Christ in your heart in the past of all the things He's already changed about you? You can't take credit for it. Because HE is the one doing a "good work inside of you." He's doing it. Sometimes He allows us to feel it. Rejoice! How I love you Father. I may not know many things - but THIS I KNOW. I love You. I need You. More of YOU less of ME. Hear that cry in my heart.
He's real, and He's there - and He's waiting for YOU. Waiting for you to admit that you can't handle "this" (Whatever this is). Give it to Him. Give it to the one who makes "wine" out of "water." If he did that for water - can you imagine what great and wonderful things will He will do with YOU?
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