Hello!~~~

Welcome!~

It has now been seven years since I started this blog. How quickly time goes by! We are many members but we are one in the body of Christ. Therefore you do not journey alone! Hopefully through this site you will be encouraged by the fact that many things you are going through in your own walk, others are going through (or have gone through) as well. Sometimes we think we are "going through things alone." But we are not. God said that "He would Never Leave Nor Forsake Us." (Hebrews 13:5) and that "There is Nothing New Under The Sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9). No man is an island. It's easy to forget that. May the words in this blog help you to think, encourage you in whatever spiritual state you are in and may the Lord use them to help us to grow in Him! He is the Author and Finisher of our faith!

I don’t want any readers to think that I am “promoting” being a prodigal. I definitely am not. But what I am hoping to do – is to encourage those of us who either have had or are currently experiencing a hard time in our walk to be honest about it. Personal conviction is a powerful thing, especially if you truly love the Lord. I think that sometimes the Body of Christ critiques and judges to the point where the person who is at the other end of that pointing finger feels ostracized, alienated and alone. I don't think that that is what Jesus intended. When I read through my Bible - I see a firm yet gentle restoration that Jesus ministered to those around Him. Look at John 21:15-19. When Peter who was at an all time low point in his walk - he was firmly, yet lovingly restored by Jesus. He didn't tear him down, or yell or make him feel any worse then he already did. He spoke to him lovingly and gently - and in doing so, Peter was able to repent and minister in a much more powerful, humble and confident way and it became one of the largest ministries ever.

Please note that I am only a vessel, my calling - to write. I dedicate this blog to the Lord and ask that He use it to reach out and touch whoever needs a special, loving, personal touch from Him. My hope is that the Holy Spirit allows you to see Him through the words (and not me). We go through things so that we can extend our right hand of fellowship behind us to assist and help someone else. Our Bible is the same today, as it was yesterday as it will be tomorrow. (I am far from perfect and do not profess to have all the answers...) but the good news is - Our Heavenly Father does! His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy is real!Nothing you are experiencing in your walk comes as a surprise to Him! May He be glorified through this blog and may God bless you at whatever stage in your walk you are in!~



I am a Breast Cancer Survivor

I am a Breast Cancer Survivor
I was diagnosed with early stage triple negative breast cancer on June 24th, 2010 - I have been cancer free for 7 years now. It was only a chapter in my life - NOT my life, but the impact is one that has changed my life forever. Its important for women to know that 80% of the breast cancer diagnosis come from women who don't have a history of it in their family (My family didn't). Early detection is the key. For more information please click on the pink ribbon above. It could save your life.

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October 5, 2012

The Call...



How is it we take so much for granted - until we don't?

Did you see it? The day the world changed?  I saw it! I never believed in "dimensions in time" before that day.  But I remember it so clearly... It happened with just one call.

What is one suppose to do when they get that call.  There is nothing in my repertoire that prepared me for how I should act.  What is the proper etiquette?

I had stepped off the pages of my familiar life into a vortex. 

Can you still see me? 

I am moving in slow motion... Feeling invisible while you go on with your every day life - unscathed.

How can YOU go on like that? Like nothing has changed?  Going about your usual duties... Thinking of your plans, your tasks, your work. How DARE you! Stop! Right NOW!  You are moving so fast - while I am moving in sloooooow motion...

"Helloooooo!!! Can you see me????"  A strong desire to wave my hand in front of your face.  I'm quite sure I've become invisible.  WHY do I FEEL like I am NO LONGER a part of the HUMAN RACE???

I feel ALONE. So ALONE.

You can't SHARE this with me.  It's not something you can SHARE because it is happening to ME.

I can't even FATHOM WHAT it is that has happened. 

My mind is outside of my body.... Incredulous.  Unaccepting.  Astonished....

I want to shake you!  I want to cry out to you - "Help me! Help me!!! Please wake me up from this horrible, horrible dream!!! This CAN'T BE!" But you don't see the changes.  Maybe you don't even see me? Because you walk right by caught up in your thoughts, in your agenda, in your plans... I HAD plans TOO!

As hard as I try to go about my normal daily duties - I can't.  I keep thinking, "We are not the same anymore..."  You can't understand. You can't experience this from the same place as I.  Its as if there is a chasm between us.  I once was where you are - but you have never been where I am. 

"Where am I?"

Even if you wanted to - you can't.

"What happened? What is going on? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Did this even happen?" 

I want to scream! I want to shout! I want to cry!  -  But I can't because I'm on the outside looking in...

This is NOT happening.  Not to ME.  I'm YOUNG. I'm not old yet! This can't happen - not to ME. No! No! No!!!!!

Who is that lying on that hospital bed with the backless hospital gown on, going through all those tests? Staring up at the drop down ceiling in the basement of the Radiology department of some hospital.

What did you say?

"Blah Blahh Blahhh... Cancer. Blah blah blahhh surgery... Blah blah blahhh chemo..."

Why can't I understand your words?  Why do you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher?  I see your lips moving - but I can't understand your words?

I turn my head and look at my mother... My safety net. The woman who birthed me.  She reaches out and touches my hand... I feel it.... I FEEL IT!   My eyes beseech her for understanding.  For clarity.  For understanding.  She leans over and kisses my forehead.

She see's me! I'm not invisible.  I'm still here!!!

She translates the Oncologist words.  It's not the words I understand and accept, it's her reassuring firm motherly tone that soothes me.  It's the way she is holding my hand.  It's the strength in her voice.  The same familiar strength I've heard throughout many moments in my life.  Like when I was a child and woke up from a bad dream, and she comforted me as only a mother can do. 
Her voice becomes my lullaby. Rhythmic. Soothing. Like the comfort an unborn baby gets from the pulsating familiar sound of a mother's heartbeat.

"One step at a time.  Come on. We can do this. FIGHT. You are not alone.  See? Here is my hand. FIGHT.  I am NOT going to let you give up! FIGHT. Moment by moment - see? We've already made it to the next.  Look - there's another one. FIGHT."

I do it because she says to.  She's my mother.  She knows.  The vortex is getting smaller now. I can step from the hole back onto the groove of humanity.  Because she tells me to.
FIGHT.

I'm concentrating on the word with ALL I have. FIGHT.  Don't GIVE in. Don't GIVE up. Don't let go. Don't think too hard. FIGHT.

 I don't recognize the woman in the mirror.  Who is she?  She kinda looks like me.

FIGHT.

My senses are gone... All except for the sense of smell... Will I EVER get that smell of chemotherapy out of my nose??? It sickens me... Taste is exaggerated, I never want to see another Jolly Rancher for as long as I live....

FIGHT.

How did the moments turn into minutes? Into hours? Into days? Into months?  Chemo is over now - switching it up to radiation...  How can something you don't FEEL cause SUCH burns?  Will it EVER stop?

F I G H T.

Radiation is over. So are the doctor appointments. So is the treatment.  It has been a success...

What do I do now?

LIVE.

I turn and scratch my peach fuzz head...

Live?  How?  I don't remember how?

JUST LIVE.

And so I do..  Tentatively, like a baby learning how to walk.  Unsure of whether or not I'll lose my balance and fall... I can see those who stood by me throughout this whole ordeal - the TRUE ones.  Ready to catch me should I begin to fall.

"LIVE," they say encouragingly...  LIVE.

And so I will... Each moment, each minute, each day.  Not as before.  Never as before.  I've lost the know-how to BE as before.  I am changed...

Changed - but very much ALIVE...

1 comment:

chrisi towler said...

beautiful words.