Hello!~~~

Welcome!~

It has now been seven years since I started this blog. How quickly time goes by! We are many members but we are one in the body of Christ. Therefore you do not journey alone! Hopefully through this site you will be encouraged by the fact that many things you are going through in your own walk, others are going through (or have gone through) as well. Sometimes we think we are "going through things alone." But we are not. God said that "He would Never Leave Nor Forsake Us." (Hebrews 13:5) and that "There is Nothing New Under The Sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9). No man is an island. It's easy to forget that. May the words in this blog help you to think, encourage you in whatever spiritual state you are in and may the Lord use them to help us to grow in Him! He is the Author and Finisher of our faith!

I don’t want any readers to think that I am “promoting” being a prodigal. I definitely am not. But what I am hoping to do – is to encourage those of us who either have had or are currently experiencing a hard time in our walk to be honest about it. Personal conviction is a powerful thing, especially if you truly love the Lord. I think that sometimes the Body of Christ critiques and judges to the point where the person who is at the other end of that pointing finger feels ostracized, alienated and alone. I don't think that that is what Jesus intended. When I read through my Bible - I see a firm yet gentle restoration that Jesus ministered to those around Him. Look at John 21:15-19. When Peter who was at an all time low point in his walk - he was firmly, yet lovingly restored by Jesus. He didn't tear him down, or yell or make him feel any worse then he already did. He spoke to him lovingly and gently - and in doing so, Peter was able to repent and minister in a much more powerful, humble and confident way and it became one of the largest ministries ever.

Please note that I am only a vessel, my calling - to write. I dedicate this blog to the Lord and ask that He use it to reach out and touch whoever needs a special, loving, personal touch from Him. My hope is that the Holy Spirit allows you to see Him through the words (and not me). We go through things so that we can extend our right hand of fellowship behind us to assist and help someone else. Our Bible is the same today, as it was yesterday as it will be tomorrow. (I am far from perfect and do not profess to have all the answers...) but the good news is - Our Heavenly Father does! His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy is real!Nothing you are experiencing in your walk comes as a surprise to Him! May He be glorified through this blog and may God bless you at whatever stage in your walk you are in!~



I am a Breast Cancer Survivor

I am a Breast Cancer Survivor
I was diagnosed with early stage triple negative breast cancer on June 24th, 2010 - I have been cancer free for 7 years now. It was only a chapter in my life - NOT my life, but the impact is one that has changed my life forever. Its important for women to know that 80% of the breast cancer diagnosis come from women who don't have a history of it in their family (My family didn't). Early detection is the key. For more information please click on the pink ribbon above. It could save your life.

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October 9, 2017

The Fight Rages On - Even Though the Battle Has ALREADY Been Won...

Are you battle weary?  We often forget that we are in the middle of a spiritual battle... Even those that don't believe it are in it.  You are either on one side or the other. You don't have a choice, the choice has already been made.  You DO have free will to choose which side you will fight on.  Who do you choose this day?

Every morning that you have breath in your body you are able to renew your choice.  Who do you choose?  In not making a choice, you still make a choice. 

You think you see the "reality" of life but the real reality is that a battle rages on - and unknowingly or knowingly you are a participant.  The war plan?  God's Word, the Bible.  The days are becoming fiercer, who do you choose?

It is time to allow God to remove the scales from your eyes so that you can clearly see what is all around you.  See the reality of the spiritual realm, but see it in a position of victory.  God has won the battle, although the fighting is fierce - the battle itself has ALREADY been won.  What side are you on?

"I don't want to fight," You say - but this fight began long before you and I did.  It began even before Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  Open up your eyes and see the reality set before you before your eyes close at the end of your life and what has always been before you becomes revealed - too late.  You are a participant, so be on the winning side!  His name is Jesus!  See His hand? It is extended to you - GRAB IT WHILE YOU CAN.  It is Not God's will that ANY should perish.  The witness of His being is ALL around you, but you haven't taken time to look!  Cry out to Him!  You are a Soldier!  Put on your fatigues! Wake up!  If we are to do what Christ did we are to extend our hand behind us and grab hold of the person and wake them up!

"God so LOVED the world that He gave His ONLY begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall NOT perish but have everlasting life!" (John 3:16) 

The days are numbered, they are getting shorter and your enemy is trying to take as many down to hell with him.  RISE UP!  You have a choice! You just have to believe that you have a choice and can make it!  If you don't make it, you are STILL deciding.  God loves you!  He gave His Son, Jesus to die on the cross for forgiveness of your sins.  We sin daily!  We cannot mend the bridge between us and God without the shed blood of Jesus which is the ONLY thing that wipes our sins away.  What do you need to do?

You need to accept Him as your personal Lord and Savior.  That means having a "personal relationship" with Him.  Talk to Him! Tell Him you WANT to believe.  Tell Him to help you!  Tell Him to reveal Himself to you!  And watch and see Him do it!  He is NOT a God that He would lie.  He loves you!  He cares for you! He died for you! He rose again!  The enemy has been defeated!  You only have to believe...

Romans 10: 9 says that “if you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” 

Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and there is nothing that I can do to save myself. I confess my complete helplessness to forgive my own sin or to work my way to heaven. At this moment I trust Christ alone as the One who bore my sin when He died on the cross. I believe that He did all that will ever be necessary for me to stand in your holy presence. I thank you that Christ was raised from the dead as a guarantee of my own resurrection. As best as I can, I now transfer my trust to Him. I am grateful that He has promised to receive me despite my many sins and failures. Father, I take you at your word. I thank you that I can face death now that you are my Savior. Thank you for the assurance that you will walk with me through the deep valley. Thank you for hearing this prayer. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

God has a plan for your life.  One that only YOU can do.  We need you and your gifts to go forward in Christ.  There are people that need to hear the Word of God and to have the scales removed from their eyes.  To come and know Jesus as Lord and Savior.  The battle is REAL but the victory has ALREADY been won.  Who do YOU choose this day?  I choose Christ.  He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. (Hebrews 12:2)  He is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

There are not enough words that can describe how wonderful it is to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.  Don't believe my words? Believe HIS.  The victory is ours through Him.  Choose this day who you will serve.  Choose LIFE.  Choose Jesus.  Taste and see that the Lord is good. (Psalms 34:8) See for yourself.  He is real.

September 5, 2017

Praise Him Through The Pain...



Praise Him through the pain, which is what the Holy Spirit whispered to me as I spent quiet time before the Lord this morning. As I prayed, a praise song "on Christ the mighty rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand..." Came into my mind.

I thought about the scripture on how "the tongue is a double edged sword." and from Proverbs 12:18 “Thoughtless speech is like the stabs of a sword, But the tongue of the wise is a healing.” And I also thought about how everything is perception. How we can't get into the head of someone else and sometimes the biggest spiritual warfare occurs with miscommunication, misunderstanding and satan laughs from the sidelines because he is the author of confusion. The great divider and "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." (John 10:10). That is what he does - and he does it best with the people we love the most. Family, friends - because it is only the ones you care the most about that can hurt you.

Think about it... I think that is also why the Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." (Proverbs 4:23-27). 

Division does not glorify God - it glorifies the devil. He sits back and watches as the seeds of anger, confusion, back stabbing, gossip causes division. Breaks a part families and friends. We refer to it as drama - but what it REALLY is is spiritual warfare. You choose if you are going to be a part of it. Sometimes we are pulled into it but we choose whether or not we are going to participate or whether or not we are going to pray through it. 

Jesus said 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:31) the problem with that is many of us don't know HOW to love ourselves. You can't pour out from an empty container. Also, there is no degree of pain. Your pain is not greater than my pain, nor is my pain greater than yours. Pain is not a contest. A kind word goes along way. We only see in part, but God sees in full.

1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we see but a dim reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." There for our trust MUST be in Him. How can we combat the enemy? SHOW LOVE. Christ is to be our example. Every morning we choose who we are going to give the glory of a new day to - the devil or the Lord. I choose the Lord. He has given us free will - so the choice is ours. Instead of being so concerned about the sty in someone else's eye - maybe the finger you point should be pointed inward. Towards ourselves. I don't know about you, but my sins and short comings are ever before me. I don't need someone "judging me" or "pointing their finger at me" because I am my own worst critic. I am too busy judging MYSELF to worry about what YOU need to work on. 

The Bible also says, "The measure you judge someone else is the measure you yourself will be judged." (Matthew 7:2). There is so much "imperfect" in ME that I am not concentrating on the imperfect in you. Quite frankly, I leave the judging to God who looks at the heart and sees the fullness of each one of us. You have no idea what "pain" someone else is going through. Should you add on to it or make a difference by a healing word or gesture? 

One day I was driving through the drive through of Dunkin getting my coffee and as I pulled up to the window to pay for it the cashier said to me, "You are all set, the man ahead of you paid for your order all ready." I was truly touched by his thoughtfulness. I couldn't even THANK him because he had already drove off. You don't KNOW what kindness and thoughtfulness and goodness does in the life of someone else. Shouldn't we be that way? "Paying it forward?" Not doing it so that it can be acknowledge by people. Some people do good works to SAY they have done good works - No - the Bible says "But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6). We should do them because that is what Jesus would do. I have over the last 29 years of being a Christian, hidden God's Word in my heart. Because when I need it most - it floats right to the surface. The Holy Spirit uses it as a balm to help me through the pathway God has me on in life. I once heard the saying, "Be a fountain, not a drain." What are YOU being? Are YOU building up or tearing down? The choice and the responsibility is yours alone to make. I choose the fountain...

August 31, 2017

Hurt People = Hurt People



"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." (Luke 6:45)

Hurt people, hurt people.  We are finding that more and more in this day and age.  We have a choice, we can let the domino affect continue on with us or we can choose to reflect that we have a Savior who went through what we have gone through and even more.  If He was able to say, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do…” Then we should be willing to do the same.
Now that doesn’t mean it is easy.  That doesn’t mean we don’t feel the sting or the smarting of someone’s meanness or actions – but what it does mean is that we have to be the one to “rise above it.”
Oh that is sooooooo much easier said than done… Everything inside us cries out to hurt back.  Why? Because hurt people HURT people.  Sometimes we have to look beyond the actions at the individual.  I think perhaps that is the example that Jesus has given us.  It is not any easy thing to do.

There have been situations that have occurred in my life where I have wondered HOW Jesus actually stayed focus on His calling.  He was ostracized, judged, critiqued, used, lied to, betrayed, physically beaten and STILL He stayed focus on His mission here on earth. How can ANYONE not see that He is God manifested on earth as man to make a way for us back to the Father?  We simply naturally do not have that ability to love THAT WAY without the Holy Spirit manifested inside of us.
I found myself thinking this week about how the crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Hosanna in the highest heaven!"(Matthew 21:9)  These were the same crowd who cried out, “Crucify Him!” (Luke 23:21).

I find myself wondering time and time again why Jesus chose to love us.  We are such a stiff necked, hard headed people.  We are willful and prideful and full of ourselves.  Jesus could have called down legions upon legions to assist Him, but no – He chose to go forward and die on the cross for forgiveness of our sins.  A man who had done NOTHING wrong, to know Him and to love Him is to stand in awe of WHO He is… I know I don’t love like that.  Do you?  We need to look to Him as our example.  More of Him - less of us, even during the times when we may have to bite our own tongues until they bleed...
“God have mercy upon us.  Forgive us. Help us.  Indwell your Holy Spirit in us so that when people disappoint and hurt us we respond in the way You did.  Help us to look BEYOND the pain.  Hurt people HURT people.  Healed people HEAL people.  Heal us Father.  Help us to focus on YOU.” 

August 8, 2017

Maybe it IS Your Circus and Your Monkeys!


In having quiet time with the Lord this morning, I had a little revelation worth sharing...

I was thinking of a picture that I recently had seen of Humpty Dumpty.  In the picture Humpty didn't fall off the wall, he was pushed. It made me think about people who are "drama makers" how they seem to have nothing better to do than try to push buttons to try and make us fall - but here is the thing, when you serve a God who created you and removed the scales from your eyes to know Him, you realize two things - He allows those drama makers to push you in order for you to grow in Him. Also, you grow in awareness that HE is the ONLY One who can "put your pieces" back together (NOT the kings men, although God can use/work through people for that healing to occur)  and when He does (put you back together) - He makes you like the bionic woman - stronger, faster, better! So maybe we ought to not only thank God for being our God, but pray for and thank the drama makers for actually being used by God to be tools to draw you nearer to Him!

Praise Him!

July 26, 2017

Praise God From Whom ALL Blessings Flow...

Praise God that he removed the scales from our eyes and made us aware of what we needed - HIM. I am more than ever aware of the fact that I cannot get through this life without Him, that I NEED Him with a passion and a thirst that can only be fulfilled by knowing Him and trusting Him more. Everything around us gives proof to the fact that He exists. 
I have been going outside in the early morning hours for my quiet time with Him - trying to give Him the first fruit of my day and I have been amazed by ALL the nature around me - the different type of birds that are chirping and singing (are they singing praise songs to our Creator?); I noticed how they live so simply, God provides their food, which was so apparent to me as they would fly down from their trees into the grass of the back yard and find grubs and insects and worms - God's provision. All of a sudden I felt a bit jealous and wanted to be a bird, free from worry and cares. I noticed a rabbit coming up from it's borough - hopping around... I even noticed a skunk (which I made sure I kept a wary distance from) moseying about his day. 
The proof of God and His existence is ALL around us, yet how many of us take time to praise Him or notice Him for it??? Take a moment today and be still - and see the proof that He is God... We only need to quiet ourselves from ourselves to do so....
"Father I thank You for ALL You have created and All You do.  I rejoice in You my Creator, My Lord, My God.  Help me not to take You for granted.  All around us is proof of Your existence - my Soul hungers for more of You.  You are my all in all. I love You Father, please be glorified.  In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen"

July 11, 2017

Walk in the Light

The older I get, the more I realize how dependent upon the Lord I am. I have found myself wondering, “How did Jesus do it?” I think about the Scriptures and I wonder how Jesus kept focused, during the darkest time in His life.  Betrayal from within His inner-circle… Betrayal from someone who was one of His twelve…

I suppose you can say that because Jesus is God manifested in flesh, you would think: “Well, Jesus knew what was going to happen.”  Okay, but even so – betrayal is betrayal and nothing hurts more than it being someone in your inner circle, someone you deeply love -  yet still Jesus continued on.
And He was betrayed by a kiss…  A KISS!

We live in a world that grows darker by the minute but in living in it we need to realize how much brighter light is in darkness.
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said:

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

Are you walking in the light? Or are you walking in pitch black darkness?   God wants you to know that He has experienced your pain.  The Word of God IS the living Word.  We have it for a reason.  It is a guide to guide us through this life.  There is nothing that Jesus has not experienced that He cannot relate to you about - Walk towards the Light.
When someone betrays you, or lies to you or hurts you more often than not you cannot see past the pain.  There are so many songs that talk about “you always hurt the ones you love” but God didn’t mean life to be that way.  We live in a fallen world that grows darker and darker by the moment.  We cannot give people our faith but we can look to Jesus as our example and we can do what is the total opposite of what we feel like doing… LOVE THEM.  Everything inside of you wants revenge or to hurt them just as deeply as they have hurt you back so they can feel the pain you feel, in fact that is the way of this world.  Evening news is filled with violence, filled with “people hurting people” but that is not what God commands us to do.  He commands us to LOVE THEM.

LOVE THEM
Go against the grain.  Go against the tide of your feelings. Go against the crowd. DO the OPPOSITE of what your feelings are telling you to do – LOVE THEM. Are you feeling annoyed when you read that? It's okay if you are. Keep praying that God will change your heart.  Think about Jesus.  Think about how He felt as He was spat upon and ridiculed and jeered at by those He came to save.  Yet still He continued...  
When you can't love them - PRAY.  "Lord - I don't have it in me, so I need YOU to put it in me.  Help me Father.  Help ME to love them as YOU love me."  Because when you think about it - if you are to be honest and look at yourself you can see that there are times when you sinned.  You did the opposite of what God wanted you to do.  You went your own way.  You broke God's heart and still He loves you.  There are times when YOU may be the person who hurt someone else (either knowingly or unknowingly) and you may not even know how many people are having to do the same thing for YOU.  God wants us to love, and if you ask Him - He will put His love in your heart and show you how to see the person(s) that have betrayed you through His eyes.  That changes everything...

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. ... “(Luke 6:27-36)
“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Matthew 5:46)
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)

“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” (Luke 6:32)
“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” (Luke 6:35)

I’m not saying that type of love is “fake it until you make it” kind of love, I’m talking about asking God to open your heart and fill it with a genuine love for the person(s) who have betrayed you.  When the Holy Spirit has that love come flooding in it will take you by surprise.  It will flood you and in your mind you will be thinking, “How can I possibly be feeling this?” But it is an over pouring of the Holy Spirit filling you with a love that comes ONLY from God.   It may be that all you can do is pray for that person(s), but you will be doing it from a place of love.
That is the example that Jesus has set for us.  He is the One who we are to look to.  What would Jesus do?  What DID Jesus do? 

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
"Father God, there is nothing in this life that You have not experienced, that You do not know about.  I hurt Father.  I was betrayed! I have been "spat" upon by the people in my life that matter most.  Help me to love them.  Help me to live a life worthy of the love YOU have for me.  Help me to turn to You in my raw pain and ask You to help me to love and to forgive."   And He will...

Remember, John 13:35 says:

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

And they will...

March 17, 2017

Are You Walking In The Dark?


Faith walking – is when you find yourself leaning upon God and you feel like you are walking in the pitch black dark.  It is when you don’t see the way – but you know you know the Way, so you extend your spiritual arms out in front of you and you step forward in prayer, trusting that God has got you.

It is not believing what you are experiencing in the natural, but knowing that God is greater than whatever the situation is and He alone will see you through.  It is when you are shaking and crying on the outside but you know God wants you to trust Him and continue to go forward.  It is when you feel fragile and vulnerable and you have no more answers.  When you are at the end of your rope and you feel as though you are “bungee jumping” trusting that God will catch you.
I don’t have any answers except to tell you that He is the answer.  This is when the Word that is hidden in your heart takes root and the scriptures of all God’s promises come to mind. 

“He is an ever present help in times of trouble.” (Psalms 46:1)
“He has made You the head and not the tail.”  (Deuteronomy 28:13)

“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart lean not to your own understanding.  In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your path.” (Proverbs 3:5)

“Greater is He that is in me than He that is within the world.” (1 John 4:4)
Your promises, God’s Word - He gave it to us for us to lean on.  We can only see part of the picture – but He sees it in total and faith walking is when you have to trust that God is in control.  That you belong to Him;  He is the Shepherd, you are one of His sheep.  The Shepherd will leave the fold to bring ONE stray sheep back to Him.  We need to trust Him.

It’s hard to trust in the spiritual, God knows that but that is where our faith comes in.  The Bible says, “If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains.” (Matthew 17:20)

Have you ever seen how very small a mustard seed is? They are tiny!  God is not a God that He would lie.  TRUST. BELIEVE. OBEY. God loves not as we love, sometimes it is hard for us to fathom God’s love because we haven’t experienced it with people in our lives.  God is not like the people in our lives.  He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He is true.  Our perceptions are different than His – this is where faith comes in.  We are not alone, He is with us and He cares. His Word is the same today as it was yesterday as it will be tomorrow. Trust.  He is the light in the darkness. He’ll make a way where there isn’t one.

March 6, 2017

Are You a Clinger?


I woke up in the quiet of this morning praying. 
I’m at a point in my life where I truly understand the scripture that says:
“If I didn’t praise Him the rocks would cry out.” (Luke 19:40)
I’ve come to learn that true worship really does come from your heart.  It is not lip service it is really recognizing and identifying the fact that we TRULY need God, that we can’t exist wholly without Him. 

Are you desperate for the Lord? 
Do you crave Him? 
Have you reached a point where you know that you know that you know that you are completely dependent upon Him?

The only comparison I have is one that pictures a child in His parent’s arms.  Someone comes to take the child out of his parent’s arms and the child in desperation clings all the more to the parent.  Are you clinging?
I AM.  My arms are in a stronghold around my Father’s neck.  My body digs deeper as I try to get closer to Him to feel his assurance and the safety I’ve come to know being His child.   He is a need.  He is substance to my soul.  He is my everything.  I know WITHOUT a doubt that I never want to be without Him.  That I can’t exist without Him.  That He IS my all in all.  I NEED HIM desperately, every moment, every minute, every day.

THAT is the point of true worship.
We were created for Him, to be in fellowship with Him.  Deep down inside of each of us is a place that can only be satisfied with making Him Lord of Our lives.  People who are spiritually blind try to fill this need with other things – but their hunger for the Lord goes unfulfilled and satisfaction cannot be obtained until that recognition is realized.

I can see how Heaven is a place of pure worship and joy, to see with my eyes what my soul hungers for – it is not difficult to sing with sincere meaning, “How Great Thou Art.”
My God – how I love You.  You are my everything and without You I NEVER want to be.  Thank you so much for loving me,  thank You so much for Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your patience, Your tolerance.  I’m sorry Father for the times I have taken You for granted.  See  me now with true gratitude pouring out through my fingers as I type these words on the page.  Thank You for who You are, please be with me this day and every day You give me.  I love You, Father.  Please remove the spiritual scales from peoples eyes so that they may see You and recognize their need for You as I recognize my need and dependence upon You.  In your presence is where I always long to be.  May You be glorified. In Jesus Name I worship You and I pray.

AMEN

February 6, 2017

GO LIVE


“The cancer is gone!  I declare you cancer-free! Go live!” The oncologist declared over me, the support staff applauding.  I simply stood there looking at them blinking.
The nightmare was over? The fight had been won? Go live? HOW.

HOW
For almost seven years I have tried to “Go live” but on the grounds where the battle occurred – the scar tissue of a fight hard fought and won unbeknown to me began to grow seeds of anxiety.

How does one live after cancer?  How do you put the fear and terror aside? How do you go forward knowing fully not only has your body changed on the outside, but you yourself has changed on the in? Your life as you knew it is not the same.  Almost seven years later I am still trying to go forward.

There are days when I just want to burst out in tears of frustration.   Feeling like I’m on an escalator and I don’t know where it is headed.  Feeling like I have no control.  How does one “live” when they are afraid?  Living with fear is a cancer of another kind.
Feeling the responsibility of being given a second chance at life but afraid to make mistakes… When you go through cancer you are more keenly aware of all the mistakes you made in life.

How do you get past the fear? Life has changed as you know it.  You are not the same person.  The cancer is gone – but YOU remain.  All you can pray in your head is, “God help me to live.  Help me to know how..."  I don’t KNOW how… And you think that the knowledge will come in time – but the truth of the matter is it doesn’t go away… You learn to live with it.  You choose every day consciously to become better and not bitter.  All of a sudden you feel like a different species of human.  Those who have gone through the battle understand.  Those who don’t – can’t, you haven’t been where we have (and thank God you haven’t). 
There are days when I wake up and I look around my life astonished that it has changed so much. It all seems so surreal... Like I'm living a very weird unexpected dream...  A failed marriage, millennium children who think differently than the children of my era; how do you get through it? By it? Around it?   You have become a different person.  The people you feel closest to are other survivors who have gone through it.  You cling to each other’s hands like a lifeline. 

“Don’t let go! I might sink without you!”
"I won't - don't let go of mine either!"
Strangers that have become closer than family.

You second guess every choice you make and you live in fear or uncertainty that life will ever stabilize.  You feel like you are looking around every corner because once you were taken by surprise and now that you know how that feels like, you sleep with one eye open.
You love deeper and more passionately - it happens naturally because of what you've been through.  I call it "bear hug love" - that's the only way you know how to those who are important to you and remain in your life... you try not to stifle or smother those you love because you are afraid of losing them or afraid of having them lose you... They can't fully understand...
Before life everything was in water colors – now, post cancer everything is in vibrant hues.
Such an oxymoron of becoming stronger, yet feeling so fragile…

How do I live this life with so many emotions warring inside of me?  The truth is none of us is promised tomorrow – but how can I NOT let that fear influence how I live today?
How do I fit all my living into each moment?  How do I not allow the fear of “what could happen” ruin my here and now? HOW?

Tick tock goes the clock... Not to be taken for granted... What's around the corner? Don't think about it! Walk by faith and not by sight... Okay... Tick tock - what's around the corner? Even unspoken the thought goes...

LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!

I'm TRYING.  I put my hands over my ears.. I hug myself closer to try and rid myself of the fear... I quote words of scripture God's promises to wrap around me... Picking up the shattered pieces of my life, trying to make sense of it all... Who am I? Why did this happen? How do I go forward?  Stepping out on faith.  If I take your hand will you hold it forever or will you simply let go? Tick tock...  7 years have gone by - how did they go by so fast? I'm on automatic pilot.  Life has changed so drastically.  Good things have occurred but still the uncertainty and fear and surprise of having had cancer never goes away.  It NEVER fades away.

And my body temperature is cold ALL the time... "I'm cold Father... Help me..."

Anxiety, fear, depression – emotions you didn’t expect to feel after the battle.  I don’t feel victorious. I feel timid.  I don’t feel like a winner, I feel small and afraid.  Like a deer who is caught in the headlights of a car and cannot move out of the way.
I look toward my Pink sisters, other women who KNOW.  Other women who understand.  We are a sisterhood of survivors.  We are a pink rover line holding each others hands we do NOT have the ability of letting each other go.  We simply can't.  We didn't ask to be in this line.  We were drafted.  The line is so long it seems unending.  We CRY out together in unison, "We NEED a cure! God help us and every survivor.  WE NEED A CURE."
God help me.  This is not how life was meant to be. Help me not to be afraid.  Take my hand. Calm my soul. In my head I know that NO one is promised tomorrow – but please don’t let that fear take away my joy of today.  If I allow that to be the case then regardless of whether or not the cancer is gone – it has won.  Because with it has gone my innocence.  My carefree sense of being, please renew a steadfast spirit inside of me and return to me the joy of my salvation and my healing; the joy of LIFE.