The Me You See - Post Cancer Life - Dedicated to my Pinks

The Me You See...

I was never a fearful person before cancer.  I think when you go through a life threatening illness at the time you stoically go through it because you have no choice. I had no choice.  Treatment is so regimented it is like you have been drafted in an army… 

Actually, I was drafted into an army – a Pink Rover Line that is so long and so wide that it would surprise you.

Cancer is no respecter of persons, it doesn’t matter your financial status, your race, your religion, your age. Once you get drafted, you are drafted and the drafting will leave you shell shocked but before you can even wrap your brain around WHAT is happening you are enrolled in a regimen that you have no choice but to be an active participant in.

I suppose it is a good thing that it is so regimented because it doesn’t give you much time to really think.  You go from doctor to doctor to oncologist to nurse, to surgery, treatment, radiation – in such a manner that it physically wears you out.  Chemo is no walk in the park.  I remember my first round.  I was a newbie, doing what I was told to do.  I came armed with books, my cell phone, my laptop. It was going to be okay, I was use to multi-tasking. Holding out my arm for the IV I said, “Here I am!  I got this!”  And then came the first dose… It takes hours… And the chemo I had is nicknamed “The Red Devil” for a reason.  That chemo is NO joke – it means business as it runs through your veins.  Six years later I can still recall the taste, the smell the feeling of that chemo going through my body.  It hit hard and like a red tidal wave rushed with my blood through my veins to every part of my being.  I couldn’t read, I couldn’t type, all I could do was feel and what I felt was exhaustion.  It was like something I had never experienced before and would not have known what to expect.

That first night, I could taste it, I could smell it, it was in my pores.  Exhausted I went back to my childhood home and collapsed on the bed.  That night I had nightmares, I dreamt of hell and heat and sulfur and woke up scared out of my mind, my heart racing, my skin drenched in sweat.  No matter what I did during that time of treatment with Adriamycin, cytoxan and Taxol - I could not get that smell out of my nostrils.

The thing about treatment is this – that in a sense it is so regimented that you don’t have much time to think – you just go through.  For me, that was my saving grace – I followed a treatment schedule, I was in the Pink Army now.  “Deal with it Soldier! You don’t have a choice!”  So I did.

Early detection is key – I cannot say that enough.  After rounds of two different types of chemotherapy (I hope I remember this right... Adriamycin, Cytoxan and Taxol) and then I endured 35 rounds of radiation.  Radiation – a crazy thing that takes what looks like a red laser to your cancer site location and burns the absolute hell out of your skin in the matter of minutes.  But it works… It’s role, to make sure it obliterates any cancer cells that *might* have survived those rounds of chemotherapy.  Honestly, worse than any beach sunburn (while using baby oil) that a person has ever gone through, but you do it because you are in the army now, it is part of the regimen AND it works. And really, you don't have a choice.

The second hardest part (and I say second, because the first hardest part is hearing you’ve been diagnosed with cancer) is post treatment life.  This is the time when you have done your time in the Treatment Service and all of a sudden – you are done.  You are cancer-free.  Some people choose to use the repulsive term “in remission” but those are the people who are sitting there “waiting” for the cancer to return.  I was not part of that delegated group.  Nor will I EVER be.  I was declared, “cancer-free” with a shake of the hand and a congratulations, I was released.

Released.

What next?? Actual time to think? What happened? I looked around and all of a sudden a flood of feelings hit me like a tsunami.  WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT NOW?  HOW? WHY?

All those feelings came upon me like a floodgate. Not only did cancer affect my body – it affected my life.  I became keenly aware during the time I was in the Pink Army Regimen of treatment of who outside my Pink world had abandoned me.  People I NEVER would have guessed.  People who were close to me who while I was sick didn’t know how to talk to me.  I was still the same person, I hadn’t changed – cancer happened TO ME it wasn’t what I had become.  Yet in looking at me perhaps it made them look at their own mortality and they were “awkward” with me.   They didn’t know how to identify with me anymore. It seemed like there was a lot of “head nodding” and fake smiling and small talk which perhaps they didn’t think I could pick up on… But I did.  I don’t blame them, I get it – you don’t have common ground anymore.  You have never been where I was.  This is where the  bond between my Pink Sisters came in.  My Pink family, “the girls” the ones who got it.  The ones who knew.  We could just look at each other and get it.  We could act as goof-bally as we wanted or cry or scream or vent or laugh like crazy women and we got it.  WHY because we understood.  We understood that we were drafted, that this wasn’t our fault, that we had no control over it.  We were there for each other – holding tight to each-others hands – not letting go.  In many of our cases the holding of those hands (emotionally speaking) was what kept us fighting.  For those of us who experienced people we loved falling away from us – those hands became lifelines.  Holding on for dear life.

It’s been six years.  Some would say, “why are you still talking about it?  You’ve been healed! You are cancer-free! MOVE ON!”  To which I would look at them with a mix of emotions – anger, pity, rage, sorrow and disdain because unless you are a survivor you have no idea how very difficult that is.  Each of our journeys have been individual, unique.  Each experience different.  The thing about the Pinks is that we understand that.  We allow each other to feel whatever it is we feel.  It’s okay if you’re angry, or scared, or sad, or whatever you  feel  - ALLOW yourself to feel it.  It’s okay.  That’s the difference between a survivor and someone who hasn’t been through what we’ve gone through.

I don’t say any of what I’ve written in bitterness.  God has given me a second chance at life, and I am every day thankful.  I have Pink sisters who didn’t make it and they were no less deserving than I. 

I’m not the same person I was prior to cancer.  My life has changed, my body has changed, my family has changed.  I’m still trying to come to terms with it.  Some days are easier than others.  Some not. I didn’t ask for cancer to happen to me.  I didn’t ask for my life to change – but I was drafted.  I have chosen not to become bitter – but there are times when I don’t know HOW to become better.  I hurt. Even as a Christian, I feel lost along the way.  There feels like there is such a responsibility to being given  the gift of a second chance at life – but there are added responsibilities that are due to the fabric of my life changing so drastically.  I did not sign up for this, I did not expect this.  The range of emotions I go through from gratitude to anger, to intensive fear is something I suppose will stick with me for the rest of my life.

I know that this is something that my Pink sisters feel too.  Cancer is not just about what affects the body, it affects all of what makes YOU you.

If I were to be truly transparent – I would have to say that more than the fear of going through it again (which a survivor worries about every time they go for that next oncology appointment, because you didn’t expect to get cancer in the first place – once bitten twice shy) – and that fear comes up every time you walk through those hospital doors. Even after 6 years the fear always comes up with every appointment.

But more than that – the fear of being loved and left again.  The fear of being hurt.  The fear of being alone is one that for those of us who went through it and saw people walk away from us is something that is a scar as real as any surgical scar. It’s the PSD following the Pink drafting.  The residue of what is left as you try to pick up those pieces (and even after 6 years I’m still picking them up) and move forward.

What encouraging advice can I give? The good that has come from cancer? The rainbow after the storm?  I can say that you learn to love deeper.  Like a tornado that unexpectedly comes upon the house of you – it rips the hinges of your bullshit meter door right off your house.  GONE.  You no longer have the capacity to deal with bullshit or pettiness or drama.  WHY? Because you realize how short life is.  You have had a crash course in what is important and what is not.  Many survivors have become just raw.  We have a tendency not to sugarcoat ANYTHING.  We ARE the REAL McCoy.  We tell it like it is.

That’s refreshing.  And if a survivor loves you – you are in for an intimate full blown love affair like you have never experienced in your life.  Survivors love completely, passionately with all their hearts because they know that no one is promised tomorrow. NOT ANYONE OF US – all though we all live like God owes it to us – He does not.  So being around a cancer survivor can be refreshing because they are honest and straightforward and to the point… At least most of us…

I choose not to live in bitterness – I choose to become better, but I am a work in progress.  I get filled with fear of the unknown.  I  get scared…  When you go through cancer, you learn to depend upon yourself because honestly – NO ONE is going through it WITH YOU.  It is happening to YOU.  It isn’t until it is all said and done that you are even able to think what it must have been like for your loved ones (the ones that chose to hang around) because during the treatment regimen it is taking ALL it can for you to get through it.  You don’t mean to be selfish or self-involved, it just leaves you no choice.

Six years later – my life has changed.  I can see the better now.  There IS a rainbow after the storm.  You just have to believe and wait and see.  And most of all – walk in forgiveness and love and trust that even if you don’t know the WHY of it.  God sees everything in its fullness.  After the worst of the storms comes some of the MOST beautiful rainbows.  I see it now – the rainbow… Sometimes it feels a lot farther off in the future than it actually is, but that is all about perception.  The fact is – it’s there.  You just have to look hard enough for it...

WHY God?!

Have you ever asked God - "Why?"

Let’s be transparent, shall we?  I mean, if God knows our thoughts before we even think them, shouldn’t we at least be honest about what those thoughts are?

I don’t think God “gets upset” with us for expressing how we feel.  Perhaps it’s a good thing that we express it, because if it is something worth changing and we are open to it – He’ll change us.   If it is not, than it is something that should be discussed with Him, God wants us to communicate with Him.  It’s called, “having a personal relationship.” And everyone knows that even in the BEST of relationships, you don’t always see eye to eye.

Sometimes the way we relate to God is the problem, a lot of how we relate is based upon what we have experienced in the past with our earthly relationships.  We tend to color our relationship with God based upon experiences we have had with family, loved ones or friends.  This does not always give an accurate representation of who God is and how He will respond.

I don’t know about you, but there are days that I have woken up asking God,“Why???” 

Kind of like the conversations you hear little kids having with their parents…. “But why? How come? It’s not fair!" (If you are a parent, do you remember those endless, really is no exact answer that will appease them type of conversations?).  As a child of God, there are times I feel the same way – “Why God?!”

We each have been created with weaknesses and strengths, is there a weakness that you continue to find yourself tripping over? Like a child’s toy in the middle of the living room of your life, something  you keep stubbing your emotional toe over? Something  that annoys you? Something you can’t figure out WHY it won’t go away or change? If so, it is conversation worthy with your Heavenly Father.

There is one area in my life that I have constantly complained to God about.  My “Why God?!”  

The one area of my life where it seems if I were able to get it straight, life would be – beyond great.  Like an unrelenting child who wants what she wants I have brought this request before God time and time again because It is something I constantly stumble over.  No matter what I do, it seems it is something I can’t fix. First I would pray and pray and pray and pray some more, diligently believing God would make it better. Then I would get angry, "Why God?! Why hasn’t this area gotten better? Why has it for Sister So-and-So and Brother Over-there, but notfor me? My anger and frustration did not change the answer and did not move God.  Recently I have begun to just accept that even though I’d like this albatross to come off from around my neck, maybe (because God sees the full picture and I only see in part), there is a reason why He allows it to continue, so my “why?” has become a deeper question.  “Why God?  Why Father? Would it change me for the worse? Would it hinder the calling I have on my life? I don’t see how that could be the case, but I only see in part – YOU see in full.  I am *not* happy that I can’t rid myself of it but I know that no matter what – my life is in Your hands.  So I have to trust that even when I am discouraged, and disgruntled and unhappy and burdened – I STILL TRUST YOU."

I think the hardest part of feeling that way – is that you start feeling like God doesn’t care, that God doesn’t want to make it “better.”  But that isn’t what scripture tells us and that isn’t what is true. It says in His word:

“That I came so that they can have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Jesus also said:

“For my yoke is easy, my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:30)

There is so much that goes on that we are not privy of seeing, and maybe this is where God wants us to walk by faith and not by sight? Maybe God wants us to just trust Him more.  We are called to “walk by faith and not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Maybe we just need to accept that there is more than what we can see.  More than what our human minds can understand…  It is hard to trust what we can’t see, especially when we don’t see the “why” of it.  There is no sin in bringing whatever the concern is to God – He wants you to!  It’s called, “communication.”  Think about it, if you are in a relationship with someone and something is bothering you – they can tell.  It shows in your body language, in your voice, in how you go about living and moving, Unless you get whatever it is off your mind, there it will remain.  And grow, and g-r-o-w and GROW and GROW! Until it is bigger than it should be!  If something is bothering me, I cannot let it slide or pretend like there isn’t  a problem, I have to bring it directly to whom it involves, and how much more so if it involves God who already knows there is a problem anyways?!  It doesn’t mean I don’t still grumble or question or get upset that God hasn’t “fixed” the situation.  But I realize Who it is who is in control – especially when I can clearly see – it isn’t ME.  It becomes a battle of trust.  Am I going to trust my feelings? Am I going to trust what I see in the natural? (Not fully aware of what is going on in the supernatural?) or am I going to trust that God is GREATER than whatever those problems or concerns or issues are? And when I begin to doubt, I try to remind myself of the examples that are clearly given to us within the Word of God, because those examples are there for us for a reason, for us to benefit.

Turn it over to Him.  Let it go… Don’t hold on to a corner of what you are giving because then you will have a tug of war and God is not going to make you give something to Him, He’s just going to bring you to a point of realization that it’s what you need to do.  We make it so much harder than it needs to be.

“The steps of the righteous are ordained by God.” (Psalms 37:23)

YOUR steps are ordained by HIM.  He’s got you.  Stop swimming against the current, give in to Him, because when you do – then He can carry you and you will experience the sweet peace and knowledge that God really knows what He is doing – He’s got you, He really does.

Are You Paying it Forward?

Allan

I have little patience for those who only perform "lip service." I believe that God allows us go through the trials and tribulations of life so that we in turn can extend our hand behind us and grasp the hand of someone else who needs help.  To give them our love, our understanding, our support and to encourage them that they are not alone.  What good is life if you don't use the lessons that you learn to benefit someone else?  To make someone else's way easier... Sometimes the comfort can come in just the knowing that you are not the only one who has "experienced" whatever it is you are going through.

Just think how much better this world would be if we truly functioned as the church in the book of Acts did?  All of our needs would be met.  If everyone contributed the gifts and strengths that God has blessed them with, the world would want for nothing.  If everyone took a moment to think about someone else other than themselves - what a wonderful world we would live in!

If you have the resources or the heart's desire to help someone, why wouldn't you?  As everyone gets caught up in the frenzy of the billion dollar upcoming Powerball drawing, I think about how I would just love enough to not worry about how I'm going to pay this, or that.  Just enough to not worry about money - not to be greedy but so that it would allow me to free up my time to concentrate on other things... It's not that I believe that money can "buy" happiness but it sure would take away the anxiety and stress and worry for those of us that live from paycheck to paycheck, or constantly have to "rob Peter to pay back Paul."  That being said, there are many ways that you can be a blessing to someone else - if not financially, with your prayers, with your presence, with your love.  It's really very simple - show love.  You'd be surprised how to what extent that love will come back to you.  This is spoken about throughout the Bible.  How "God will open up the windows of Heaven and rain down blessings upon you that they will be more than you can withhold."  You cannot outbless God.

I am a cancer survivor.  Not a day goes by that I forget that God has given me a second chance at life. I know quite a few people who were not given that opportunity (please do not ask me why, for I am no better - in fact probably WORSE than some of those who have been called home... That's being honest..)  But here is the thing - I see that second chance as an opportunity to pay it forward however I can, because at the end of our lives - it will be HOW we lived that mattered.  How did you show love? Did you do all you could?  Were you the best parent you knew (even in your imperfections to be?) Did you love fully?  Did you wander outside your comfort zone at times to assist?  Now I am not saying you will be "saved" by your works - NO.  Our righteousness is filthy rags - or so the Bible tells us in  the Book of Isaiah 64:6.  It is nothing but the blood of Jesus, His grace, His mercy, His love that allows us to go to Heaven.  It is no works of our own.  And honestly, when I do something for someone, I don't do it to be noticed - but because it is the right thing to do.  It is a "heart thing."
It should be something you don't think twice about, that you don't let your "right hand know what your left hand is doing."  I have found that to be the BEST kind of feeling. It's simply one that money could never buy.

I have shared with my readers my strengths, my weaknesses by my transparency in my own walk.  Now I find that there is someone I care about who has had to humbly allow the people who love him   - help him.  There is no weakness in admitting that it is YOU standing in the need of prayer. In fact, I find during those humble times is the times when God can bless us most.  You will find at the lower right hand section of my page a YouCaringFund that has been set up for a man who has become dear to my heart.  I have not known him or his family for long, but in the short time that I have known them I have shared so many happy moments - just by their genuiness, their generosity, their warmth, their kindness.  The thing that I have learned about  Allan is that he does things that are kind that he doesn't even realize how much it moves or touches someone. He has a gift in making someone feel special without even knowing he has done it! That seems to be a trait in his family and it has meant a lot to me and continues to do so.

So I am taking time in this blog to ask you please to pray for my friend and brother Allan.  The Bible tells us "that we are many members, but we are one in the body of Christ." (1st Corinthians 12:12). If two or more are in agreement there God will be in the midst. (Matthew 18:20). We are called to pray for each other.  Our God is the same today as He was yesterday as He will be tomorrow.  So please pray for healing for Allan.  Ultimately his life is in God's hands and I know the number of his days God will fulfill - but it is God to determine what those numbers are and it is our responsibility that when one of our our own is hurting or is in need - that we lift them up in prayer.  That we stand in the gap and lift their weary arms when they are tired.  I know that God answers prayer and I know He hears it.  I also know that God is no respector of persons.  He doesn't have favorites and as much as Allan is surrounded by people who love him - no one loves him more than God.

If you are able to financially assist helping with the cost of Allan's medical care I would ask that you prayerfully consider doing so.  The fund has been set up and will be used to assist the challenges that Allan has/is facing with insurance issues.  No one should be denied care because of financial constraints, this is something that I feel very strongly about.  You cannot put a price on someone's life.  Personally I have seen this be the case in many survivors care and it is wrong.  In order for Allan to receive the care he deserves to continue fighting (and being victorious) over this battle with colon cancer he needs to be able to solely concentrate on the physical battle he is facing - and not have to deal with the worry of whether or not he is going to be able to afford chemotherapy or a CT scan.  I know from personal experience how exhausting (even just in the physical sense) chemotherapy is.  It is a battle that goes on within your body.  Allan is strong and determined to win this fight - but he needs to be able to concentrate on getting well and not if he is able to get the care he needs due to finances.  So I ask that you please (and foremost) keep Allan and his family lifted in prayer and then I ask you please to help financially if you are able and at the very least (but this is in no way of little importance) please forward on the YouCaringFund to others so that if you are not in a place of being able to give, someone else may be.  We all either have experienced cancer ourselves, or know someone who has faced the battle.  If you can pay it forward please do so.

Do not belittle the prayers that you bring before God. I have seen what God can do and I will not put Him in a box.  Please also lift up Allan's family at this time.  It is extremely hard to see someone you love fight against cancer.  You feel helpless.  But we are not helpless.  We have a God who is understanding, compassionate, and caring.  Let's flood the throne room of God with our prayers.

Thank you for reading my post, for your prayers and your faithfulness - this is part of my "paying it forward" because with life comes the responsibility of knowing what a gift it is.  Not one of us is promised tomorrow, yet we live as though it is "owed" to us.  It is not.  Please remember to tell those that you love that you love them EVERY DAY.  To make each moment that you can count.  And to thank God for the gift of every blank sheet of life He gives you when you wake up in the morning, because it is a precious, precious gift.  Let's write upon those pages well...

What GPS Are You Using?

Where are you getting your directions on your journey called life? Are you sure you are going in the right direction? Maybe its time you sat down for a moment and re-evaluated what direction you are headed, you don't want to miss the destination God has in store for you...

The journey…  YOUR journey… Every which way we go is all about choice.  It’s all about perception and priorities and viewpoints… Ultimately the decision of what we do, where we go, who we are with are decisions that we make from the free will that God has given us.

There are times when I simply wish that once we have given our lives over to God (made Him our Lord and Savior) that we would hear His voice like that of when we use our car GPS – “Kelly, turn right on this pathway in your life… Now go left…” But unfortunately it isn’t as simple as that.  God wants us to use wisdom and His Word as our guidebook.  How we are such a stubborn people!  Many of the situations we find we are in are situations we have placed our OWN selves.  Yet we rage and complain to God, when it is of our own doing not His.  What lesson in life are you in?

Sometimes I find myself in my own self-created maze, scratching my head wondering how I got in the middle of a confused mess and how to get out of it.  When I try to help myself I simply find myself doing a “loop te do” and find myself back where I began. Oh the frustration that sets in! Oh the discouragement and the temper tantrums I have had! It is only when I am able to throw my hands up in the air and say, “Okay Lord, I have made a grand mess of things! I cannot figure a way out – I need YOU.” That He ever so patiently replies, “I was wondering when You were going to ask for my help.  Come on, take my hand…” That He leads me out of the mess I made.  But here is the thing, often times in His leading, He doesn’t simply lead me out, He allows me to learn the why and the how of the mess I was in, how I missed the mark so that (hopefully) I won’t find myself in the same situation repeatedly… (Although there are times when the hard headed me finds herself right back where He previously delivered me from because I haven’t “fully” learned the life lesson that it was intended for me to learn).

Sometimes our own blockages in our journey can be ones that are “man-made” we put them in our own way.  Perhaps those blockages are trust issues, not trusting enough in God, not believing that He has a good and perfect will for our lives.  Perhaps they are life wounds that haven’t been healed, that keep us from experiencing all that God has in store for us, so instead of experiencing the full riches that God has we find ourselves stuck in distrust, pain, holding our own selves back from all that God has in store.  Perhaps it is low self-esteem, where we don’t fully believe that our Father desires to bless us, do to the fact that we did not have a positive role model of an earthly father to help us to believe in a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally. 

There are many things that can delay us from going forward in the journey that God has meant you to experience, it doesn’t mean you won’t experience it – it simply means that you will experience lessons along the way which will (hopefully) prepare you, heal you and help you get rid of those road blocks that have been set to discourage you from becoming all that God meant you to be.

I know that with me (being as hard headed as I am), I reach points in my walk where I am disgusted and I reach a point where I have to stop going around in circles, sit still and re-examine what I am doing to be stuck in the same rut over and over again – because when you think about it – the only thing that can change it is when you take a hard look at your situation and realize if I don’t try to do something different – figure out where I am going wrong and how I can do something differently I will always go around and around in the same circle.  I need to try something different.  This tells me that perception is a big part of moving forward (or being stuck where we are) in our journey.  Are you tired of finding yourself stuck where you are?  What can you differently than what you have tried to do in the past?  Remember we always have options and I is up to us what steps we decide to take.  Have you reached a point where you are crying out in discouragement and disgust “Abba Father!”  There are times when God wants us to realize that we are dependent upon HIM.  There are certain situations that we cannot get ourselves out of without His supernatural help.  He didn’t make us to be dependent upon ourselves.  The truth of the matter is we are dependent upon HIM.

The other truth is that we sometimes forget that we are in the midst of a HUGE spiritual battle.  Ol’ slewfoot is trying to take you down!  He doesn’t want to see God glorified in your life!  If you are in the middle of having a self-pity party than you are so busy feeling sorry or frustrated or angry or discontent or bitter about what is going on in your life that you have taken your eyes off of God and placed them on your situation.  The truth is we can do NOTHING without God’s assistance.  The real question is who are you trusting? Where is your trust? When you realize that you haven’t been trusting in God, you can then turn to Him and admit it and turn your attention back on Him.  Remember, there is no set of circumstances that are bigger than what God can handle.  We need only to give it over to Him.

Sometimes God allows us to go through situations so that we will grow in Him.  Spiritual growing pains.  He never said it was going to be easy, but He did say that He would NEVER leave us.  So when the devil tries to tell you that you are alone you can search your Bible and see for yourself all the promises that God has purposely given you in His word.  He is not a God that would lie – this is where we need to trust in Him.  And if you don’t trust in Him – than perhaps your lesson is learning why that is?

Whatever part of your life journey you are currently on – look to your Creator to help you understand where you on “His map of life” and how to move forward.  He will never steer you wrong, you just have to be willing to ask for directions and by faith head forward in the position He is pointing you to go. If He sent the 3 wise men a star guiding them in the way He wanted them to go, how much more so will He do for you? You just have to believe it and step out in faith.