Hello!~~~

Welcome!~

It has now been seven years since I started this blog. How quickly time goes by! We are many members but we are one in the body of Christ. Therefore you do not journey alone! Hopefully through this site you will be encouraged by the fact that many things you are going through in your own walk, others are going through (or have gone through) as well. Sometimes we think we are "going through things alone." But we are not. God said that "He would Never Leave Nor Forsake Us." (Hebrews 13:5) and that "There is Nothing New Under The Sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9). No man is an island. It's easy to forget that. May the words in this blog help you to think, encourage you in whatever spiritual state you are in and may the Lord use them to help us to grow in Him! He is the Author and Finisher of our faith!

I don’t want any readers to think that I am “promoting” being a prodigal. I definitely am not. But what I am hoping to do – is to encourage those of us who either have had or are currently experiencing a hard time in our walk to be honest about it. Personal conviction is a powerful thing, especially if you truly love the Lord. I think that sometimes the Body of Christ critiques and judges to the point where the person who is at the other end of that pointing finger feels ostracized, alienated and alone. I don't think that that is what Jesus intended. When I read through my Bible - I see a firm yet gentle restoration that Jesus ministered to those around Him. Look at John 21:15-19. When Peter who was at an all time low point in his walk - he was firmly, yet lovingly restored by Jesus. He didn't tear him down, or yell or make him feel any worse then he already did. He spoke to him lovingly and gently - and in doing so, Peter was able to repent and minister in a much more powerful, humble and confident way and it became one of the largest ministries ever.

Please note that I am only a vessel, my calling - to write. I dedicate this blog to the Lord and ask that He use it to reach out and touch whoever needs a special, loving, personal touch from Him. My hope is that the Holy Spirit allows you to see Him through the words (and not me). We go through things so that we can extend our right hand of fellowship behind us to assist and help someone else. Our Bible is the same today, as it was yesterday as it will be tomorrow. (I am far from perfect and do not profess to have all the answers...) but the good news is - Our Heavenly Father does! His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy is real!Nothing you are experiencing in your walk comes as a surprise to Him! May He be glorified through this blog and may God bless you at whatever stage in your walk you are in!~



I am a Breast Cancer Survivor

I am a Breast Cancer Survivor
I was diagnosed with early stage triple negative breast cancer on June 24th, 2010 - I have been cancer free for 7 years now. It was only a chapter in my life - NOT my life, but the impact is one that has changed my life forever. Its important for women to know that 80% of the breast cancer diagnosis come from women who don't have a history of it in their family (My family didn't). Early detection is the key. For more information please click on the pink ribbon above. It could save your life.

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May 24, 2011

What exactly IS good enough?

The doctors all tell me I should cry. But I am like a faucet that you turn on and the water doesn't come out.  All you hear is the "squeek" of the metal as you try to turn the water on.... They tell me that with all I have gone through in the last year... Breast cancer, chemotherapy, emergency room visits, a marriage that has fallen a part, fighting for my life, loneliness.... That I should cry. But I can't.  I just CAN'T.  Why is that?  I've wondered that a lot lately - but I think the truth is that if I start crying - I don't know that I'll ever stop.

I thought that chemotherapy was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. But what has actually been worse - is the devastation I see of my life from all that has happened over the last year.  You see - when you go through chemotherapy - they give you premedication that makes you sleepy. That keeps you from feeling overly nauseous.  But after treatment - the pain of all that has occurred is raw. Its numbing, its mind blowing.  And all of a sudden you don't have physicians, oncologists, nurses, radiologists all around you.  You're no longer a "specimen on a petri dish."  You're standing there by yourself and for the first time YOU FEEL THE PAIN. The emotional pain is worse then the actual physical pain itself.  The awareness of the people who have shown not to be your family or your friend because a lot of people don't know how to "deal" with what you went through. And there you are picking up the pieces of your life.  Wondering how you go on from there.  You're not the same person you were before cancer and you certainly don't know the fullness of the person you've become... You only know that your bs meter has no "pre screening" that you look at people who complain about tiny little nonsensical things and you want to say - "REALLY???" "Really???!!!"  And all the things that you had before put on the back burner of your life - have come front and center because you realize you JUST CAN'T GO BACK.  You can't.  And its not a question any more - its just you know you can only go forward - only you don't KNOW what forward is.  And your life feels overwhelmed with fires that you are trying to stamp out with your bare feet. And the tiredness is worse then the tiredness that came with chemo - because its no longer a physical tiredness - but an emotional one....

You feel like God isn't there. Maybe because of things you've done. Maybe because what you've experienced in your life isn't all "cut, dry and clean" like many of your brothers and sisters in Christ like to act like it SHOULD be.  Why is it that some brethern take such "pleasure" in the fact that you're struggling? Does it give them a sense of powerfulness? Why are there so many of us Christians HURTING in the church? And afraid to talk about it because fear of judgement FROM OUR OWN body of Christ?  And so we quietly stew in our own pain, not certain how to get close to God again.  Forgetting that "He knows our thoughts before we even think them." Forgetting even that during the time when WE FELT GOOD and WORTHY that we never really were???! Not one of us have ever been WORTHY. It is only through the blood of Jesus that ANY of us are able to come up to the cross.  I was reminded of that tonight.  That there is NO good enough.  That is only through the blood of Jesus that I can boldly go before His throne.  And so on top of everything I pray - "Father - forgive me. Forgive me for way back when things felt good and felt right before You that somewhere in my head I must have felt as though I was "good enough" but I am a work in progress. It is only by Your strength, Your grace, Your mercy that I can stand before YOU at all.  Maybe its the realization of that that will draw me closer to You.  For I can do nothing in and of myself.  It HAS to be You. It always has been YOU.  Forgive me for not seeing that until now.  I can NEVER be GOOD enough. But I don't have to be. Because YOU ARE.  Thank you Father.  In Jesus name I pray.

Amen.

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