FIFTY
Remember when that number seemed so old??? Yet now, it doesn’t… Not quite. I feel the same as I have at every age I’ve
been… Only a bit more sentimental I suppose…
My body is not at the age where I can say, “I can’t do this anymore… I
can’t do that…” (For which I am very
thankful). Although I have an hour glass
figure, I don’t feel “old.” Perhaps “old”
is just a perception? I have always felt
that as a person thinks, they are.
Honestly, I feel comfortable in my own skin. As if I have said, “Okay me, you are never
going to look like Malibu Barbie and I’m okay with that!” I truly believe that sexiness is an attitude
that one wears… It’s not a look or a fashion – it’s an attitude and its one
that I have chosen to wear well. You ARE
what you think.
Now in saying that I will say that I find myself looking
back on my life sentimentally, I suppose
we all have our regrets and at times I have regretted some of the decisions I
made due to naiveté or to be honest – just plain ol’ stupidity. Unwise choices, which have caused results
that I have had to live with (ahhhh yes, that’s part of having had a prodigal
time in my life) – but instead of beating myself up about it instead I remind
myself of what I have learned from my experiences. Have I grown? Have I become wiser? Have I
learned? Has it made me a better person? More appreciative of God’s love,
mercy, grace? And I can say, YES.
I suppose wisdom comes with age… I’ve learned much – but I
still have far to go… But isn’t that life? As long as we have breath in our
bodies, aren’t we learning? I think perhaps the danger is when we don’t
recognize that there are things within us that we will always have to work on,
always things to learn and change. I
think this is where it is important for us to ask ourselves (if we haven’t
already) what is our purpose? What is our calling? God created us individually
with a purpose, calling or reason. Have
you discovered what yours is yet? If not
– perhaps that is your next adventure.
Find out who you are and what you are called to do. Oh yes, you have a calling. A specific calling that was meant for only
you.
I found myself in a really dark place last week. Just a place of darkness where I could not
seem to pick myself up and as I prayed myself through it, I realized that
throughout my life I have always thought more about what other people wanted,
and not what I wanted. And I took a
sticky on my desk and I posted the question, “What do I want?” I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What DO I want? How about you? Have you ever thought about
it? What do YOU want? Now when you pose that
question to yourself – don’t pose it in terms of what you want for other
people, for your family, for your kids, etc.
BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOU?
The question is a lot harder to answer if you haven’t given
it much thought in terms of thinking of yourself.
What do I want? I’m
not a materialistic person – I don’t care about materialistic things, so it
becomes more a matter of my heart.
Although I would say, it would be such a relief if as a breast cancer
survivor who was divorced with two children, if I didn’t have to worry about
money. I think there is no shame in
saying – I want to be a giver. So – that’s an honest goodness desire, right?
“Lord, I want to be in
a position where I can GIVE. Please increase my finances so that I can BE a
giver. Not one that is giving because I
want recognition. NO. One who can give anonymously because there is
NO BETTER feeling than knowing that you were able to help someone else…”
That is a desire of my heart. When I look back at all the people God used
in the Bible, He made that the case. It’s
hard to continue doing what you want to do for the Lord when you are constantly
concerned about money. I believe it
takes away from the time that could be utilizing serving the Lord because you
have this one constant worry – money. So
I suppose, in my case, I would admit that it would be nice not to have to have
the constant worry of finances over my head…
What else do I want?
(Are you thinking of yourself as I write this? You should be…)
Love
A love that is mutual a love where you build each other up,
a passionate companionship type love. I believe strongly that a healthy love is
one where you function not as I and me – but as us and we. The problem with a
lot of relationships these days (my opinion of course) is people become selfish
and think about their own needs and not the needs of their significant other (and
visa versa) and the moment that occurs a relationship becomes a one way street
which opens up emotional traffic jams of all sorts of issues. I desire a love
that is comfortable, familiar, built upon communication, trust, affection,
passion and love. I believe that the
term “equally yoked” does not only pertain to being with another believer – but
it is with being with someone who shares your views on many of topics in this
life. Now in saying that – I don’t mean
a “carbon copy” of “who I am” – a person who is their own individual,
comfortable in their own skin – but compassionate, caring, loving and
unselfish. The Bible says, “Iron
sharpens Iron.” That is how a relationship should be. You both causing each other to grow, a
partner in life, someone to be there in good times and in bad. What is life without love? Empty, lonely. I don’t believe God meant life to be that
way. I can honestly say that I know that loneliness is the worst feeling in the
world. I don’t think there is any shame in admitting you (or in my case, I)
want love.
Health
Never have I been so aware of the truth in the saying I’ve
heard time and time again, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have
anything.” This is an area that we
constantly take for granted. Our
health! But our health is something that
affects ALL other aspects of our lives!
As a cancer survivor – I can honestly say that never again will I EVER
take my health for granted.
The older I become, the more aware of those around me who
are much older than me are handling old age.
It is something I’ve honestly not given much thought to, because the alternative
to getting old is dying and we all have within us a will to live FOREVER. We were created to live forever. We weren’t supposed to die. But the sin of Adam and Eve brought death
into the world, yet it did not dull our desire to continue living. HOWEVER with growing old, I have noticed in
the lives of those that are older around me, comes the burden with having to
see those who are dear around us die, especially the older we get we start
noticing friends, family and colleagues of the same age – die. As we get older, our bodies don’t cooperate
as much – those bodies that we didn’t pay much mind to perhaps because we didn’t
really “think” about getting older. It
just is something that happens.
Recently, I have seen older family members struggle with having to deal
with living in a world where many of those who lived around them are gone. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.
I suppose the only thing to do about that is to make SURE
that those we love, know we love them.
TELL THEM. SHOW THEM. The one thing I am certain of (being a
survivor) is that we truly DO live as if we are OWED tomorrow. We are NOT.
God didn’t promise us tomorrow.
Yet we live as if we are owed it.
The truth of the matter is we need to appreciate and honor TODAY. To try our best to make every moment that God
gives us count. You can never love
someone enough. There will never be “enough”
days of being with someone that you deeply love – you will always want
more. But instead of thinking that way,
think what you can do TODAY to make that person know you love them. Those are the memories you will want to look
back on. The memories you make with those you love today.What do YOU want in life? What is important to YOU? Think about it – because thinking about it and acting upon it is time well spent… A great investment in you. I think I'm worth it, how about you?
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