 |
| Don't be ashamed if you don't feel as though "it is well with your soul" You don't have to hide how you feel to God. The Bible tells us in "He knows your thoughts before you even think them." (Psalms 139:4) So share those thoughts with Him because He also tells us, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) |
I have been hesitating whether or not to share this because it is so personal, but in true “me” fashion I have to be as I’ve always been through my post-cancer walk - transparent and honest because I feel as though I want other Pinks to know it is okay to feel this way in case there is a Pink Sister who feels she is alone. Since cancer, I have gone through bouts of depression and anxiety. Working within a mental health community, I can tell you that I have learned this is a normal reaction to post-cancer life. It is nothing to be ashamed of. If you are a cancer survivor and find that you are experiencing the same – don’t be ashamed or feel embarrassed or less of a person for it. You are (or have) experienced a life threatening disease. Each person’s cancer/post-cancer story differs – but each one’s ramifications radiate throughout one’s post cancer life. YES we are blessed because we have been given a second chance at life, but depending upon what has occurred during your experience – please know that it is okay if you experience bouts of depression and anxiety of what changes have occurred because of your illness. There are a high percentage of pinks (as in the case of myself) who’s marriages did not survive cancer. Even those that are married and have had spouses that have stuck by them experience highs and lows in their relationship because of what has occurred. Cancer puts strains on relationships, unintentionally, but it is part of what happens. Studies have shown that cancer survivors DO go through a PTSD following cancer and certain things can trigger off the remembrance of that experience. For me it is Jolly Ranchers – which I will never eat again, because Dana-Farber kept a big bowl of them for those of us to partake from during chemotherapy because it was supposed to take away the nasty taste that chemo gives off to your taste buds while you are going through treatment. I also cannot stand the smell of lavender (I identify it with chemo) because I was told to sleep with a lavender pillow for relaxation following chemo treatments.
So if this is something you experience too – there is no
reason for you to be ashamed. The shame
is when more survivors choose to hide these feelings and not share them with
others to know they are not alone. I
have felt ashamed of those feelings because I am also a Christian, but even in
finding comfort in my faith – it has not changed the things that have occurred
in my life or the struggles I have had since my diagnosis. If you love someone
who experiences bouts of depression or anxiety – the best way you can help them
is to reassure them that you are there, that you are with them and will support
and be with them through whatever they need, if you are married or in a
relationship – hug, cuddle or hold your spouse/significant other so that they
can feel you and know that they are not alone.
Cancer is something that happens to someone – it is not who they become,
but it happens to THEM. Even if you go
through a cancer experience with someone – it is not happening to YOU so there
is only so much you can understand or go through; it is a very scary, lonely
experience. Sometimes there are no words
you can say – you just need to BE there.
That’s all just BE THERE. That
means more than any words you can say.
If you (like I did) went through cancer without the support
of a spouse – you need to know that God loves you and even though cancer came as
a surprise to you – it did not come as a surprise to Him. The Bible tells us that “He has engraved you
on the palms of His hands.” (Isaiah 49:16) God has not forsaken nor has He
forgotten you. He LOVES you. I have gotten through the last 6 years (come
the end of this month) with all the changes that have ensured in my life by
clinging to my faith. People WILL
disappoint you ALL the time (we are imperfect – that is normal) but God never
will.
I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring out
everything as I go. What I have learned is that those who TRULY love you will
be there for you no matter what. Those
who aren’t don’t deserve you and you are better off without them. My eyes are focused on God and the plans He
has for me. My calling is to write, my
desire is to give back to others – pay it forward in the best ways I can. I have learned to be true to myself. Life hasn’t been what I thought it would be –
I did not sign up for cancer – I was drafted.
But that was ONLY a chapter of my life.
It is true that the residue is still there. The scars go deeper than the one that is
where you would place your hand to say the pledge of allegiance on my
chest. They run deeper below the surface,
but instead of choosing to become bitter I chose to become better. I am a work in progress. I love deeper, I appreciate life with a
fullness I never dreamed existed. I
believe that the BEST is yet to come – no matter how hard the post-cancer
struggle to get there. My back is
straight, my head is held high and my chin is set firm. I have learned myself worth, I know what I
bring to the table – even when I have sat at that table alone. Blessed ARE the people I allow in my
inner-circle because I love faithfully, fiercely and truly – double fisted! I have learned to appreciate life that not
one of us is promised tomorrow – so I fill today with as much love as I
can. I live to the best of my ability
and I never neglect to show OR tell those I love that I love them. That is NOT mush – it is truth. I choose to surround myself with those who
want to be in my life and I fully turn around and moon those who don’t. I know God has plans for my life and even
during those times when anxiety or depression overtakes me – I still believe
that God is in control of my life.
Because the truth is, He is. And
honestly, that is ALL that really matters to me… The rest is frosting.
No comments:
Post a Comment