Today - Sung by John Denver

What Season is It In Your Life?

What Are YOU Wishing For?

It's late Friday, and my mind is reflecting on my first week out of treatment. Treatment has ended, but new things have begun. It makes me think of the Seasons - Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. What season is your life in? I think for me - I am in the season of "Spring." You know how that feels - when those of us who live in a snowy area are seeing the dirty piles of snow melt.  The bare ground starting to thaw.  Maybe even starting to see a shoot of a tulip nub appearing... That is what is happening with my life (although certainly not right yet with the weather here in Massachusetts! LOL).

For so long the ground has been bare as I went through treatment. Even grim at times. There were times were I just didn't know if I could go on another day. Another dose of chemotherapy, another day of gazing in the mirror at a face I didn't recognize.  Another day of just trying to make it through the day. I guess I would compare that to a grey bleak winters day. When you are wondering if it is every going to clear and if the warmth and sun are ever going to return again.  It would have been easy to sink into despair.  But you see - Spring was right around the corner.

When I was a little girl, my parents use to take my brother and I camping. We had this game mom had made up - but as a child we firmly believed in.  We would get into the car bags packed, tent packed ready to take off and we'd look at the sky which had suddenly gone cloudy.  Mom would look at us and say, "Okay kids, we gotta hold on to the sun so it doesn't rain." And she'd tell us to make a fist and hold on tight to the invisible string (like holding on to a balloon string) that was attached to the sun.  I can remember holding on tight all the way to the camp site which was sometimes hours away.  If it rained it meant I simply didn't hold on tight enough. ;)  We truly believed we were "holding on the sun."

What are you holding tightly to? What are you hoping for? What are you believing in? The Bible tells us that "All things are possible for those that believe." (Mark 9:23)  What are you believing?

It's Springtime in my life right now. The old is gone and the new has come. Things seem a bit more vibrant and well maybe a bit uncertain... I'm in a new place in my life. And everything is "new" even right up to the "new sprouting hair on my head!" (LOL)  I'm stepping out in faith in certain areas Even if it is just "baby steps." Unclear of what will happen, but certain that I need to go forward. So I'll keep walking. I may not always know where my steps will lead me, but He does. And I have to remind myself that we are not to "go by our feelings" - because they are so temperamental. They fluctuate just like the weather... "Well today in Kelly's emotions the day is rainy.. but the sun is slowly coming out.."  No - we have to know who we trust in - even when we don't "feel it." Even when we don't "see it." We have to remember that He said that "He is the same today as He was yesterday as He will be tomorrow." (Hebrews 13:8)  There is a comfort in that isn't there? A security in knowing that while EVERYTHING AROUND US MAY CHANGE - God never does. Maybe that is why He is our rock? I don't know about you - but I find comfort in that and you should too.

I Will Never Be The Same Again - Hillsong

"Rumors of my premature demise are greatly exaggerated..."

The Pain is REAL
and we have to allow ourselves to FEEL. It's okay to feel. God gave us emotions for a reason.

Have you ever heard the story of "Footprints?" No? Well, it goes like this:  

One Night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

My emotions are running high... Radiation is completed. Treatment is over. After 8 months of diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, radiation - treatment is O V E R.  I have my life back.  I've been given a second chance....

A second chance... The children have spent this week, February vacation visiting their father. The house has been quiet.  But my thoughts haven't.  All of a sudden I'm feeling a thawing of a deep freeze of emotion.  Emotions I was able to put aside - because I HAD to get through each moment, each minute, each hour, each day - Step by step.  I guess I went into automatic pilot.  With the kids around me - I had to focus on schedules. On them. On getting up each day going to Dana-Farber.  Dropping them off at school, picking them up... This week I found myself - alone. In a quiet house.  And all of a sudden the feelings came flooding forward.  And I realize - I'm almost as afraid to live as I was to think of dying...

I'm looking around me and thinking... "Okay, now what?" I am uncertain of myself. And it HURTS. Before all this there was confidence in my step. (Singing: "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never never never never let you forget YOUR a man.. Cuz I'm a woman...." )Remember that commercial?  That was ME.  Now my step is hesitant. I'm uncertain - second guessing, not trusting myself - unsure which way to turn.  Like waking up from a deep slumber I'm looking around at the aftermath of the Tsunami called "breast cancer" that struck a mess in my life. That turned my already crazy jam packed world - upside down.  What a mess!

I had an ass of a boss - who because he had a small company of only 11 employees was "able" to "unofficially" make me have to let go of my job due to my diagnosis.  What he did - the position he put me in was MORALLY wrong - yet legally he got away with it.  I had planned to work through treatment. To commute back and forth upstate NY to my childhood home in Boston where I was receiving treatment at Dana-Farber. It wasn't to be.

Stooping down to pick up the shattered mess of my career. Yep - struck by breast cancer.  Leaning forward to look at this piece of the puzzle - that was my family. Surprising to see WHO is really there for you and who is NOT.... How ironic to see people who ran away from me like I had got the "plague" contact me now that treatment is over.  "Rumors of my premature demise are greatly exaggerated..." (Said dripping with sarcasm). Treatment may be over - but ALL that has happened to me - has changed me.  That will never go away.  There are scars other than under my arm and my lumpectomy scar that is on the INSIDE of me. And I know that there are certain things I WILL NOT ACCEPT EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.

Bitter? No. That would defeat the purpose of given a second chance. I won't live in bitterness. I've learned not to judge. I pray that some of the people who turned away from me - or shy'd away will never have to experience what I've gone through for themselves. Because honestly, you TRULY don't KNOW unless you go through it yourself.

My walk with God? Honestly - I'm working on that. I'm so thankful He has given me a second chance - but there is so much that was happening prior to that that I need to get right with Him.  Not sure how to go about that yet... But at least I know that my Bible says "He knows my thoughts before I even think them." So honestly - He KNOWS.  I just need to unfreeze all those feelings.  I have to allow myself to do that. But its so much easier to turn up the volume of the TV. So much easier to not face it.  But in order to move forward - I know I need to. Piece by piece I need to pick up the pieces of my life.  The old puzzle doesn't fit anymore. It's been altered.  I'm standing before the Lord with my arms stretched out and my palms facing forward. I feel the tears inside of me. But I'm not unfrozen enough to shed them.  They ache deep inside me - like thunder before the storm - they are close by - I know it - I feel them.  I realize that I'm afraid to live. Here I've been given this second chance and I don't know how to go about utilizing it.  Yes I know - pay it forward (and I will). Yes I know - don't waste it (and I won't).  Yes I know - do all you can for your body so that you can lessen the chances of having a reoccurence (working on that...). Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. I know it.  My head does. My heart doesn't.  I don't know HOW.

Like a baby taking my first steps - I guess there are certain things I'll have to learn all over again... You know, like perhaps - when you were a teenager, and you were in High School and there were certain classes you "just tolerated" because you HAD to take them. "Required courses." Perhaps you sat there behind the desk in your seat - the teacher droning on and on. You're sitting there doodling doodles on the page... And now flash forward - years older - you realize how important that class was - you wished you'd paid better attention in it - it would have "benefited you more now." So perhaps you decide to take an "Adult education class?" And this time - you're sitting forward. Pad of paper and pencil ready to jot down notes.  Not gonna miss a beat.  You understand better now... You're wiser. This time you're gonna do ALL you can to get as MUCH as you can.  Apply it. Use it. Live it. Love it...

Hmmmmm - are you getting this too? Yes? Me too... Class dismissed! Time to go on to the next life lesson...

Here With Me - MercyMe

And So Another Chapter Nears its End... The Chapter NOT the Story...

Have you ever had a "wow" moment? You know - one of those unexpected times in your life where you are really touched? Let me explain...

I'm nearing the end of radiation treatment. Started out with having 33 and am now down to 4. Four more to go and I'm finally done with treatment. Wow. It's been a long stretch...

My life changed late last June... Having been diagnosed with Early Stage Triple Negative breast cancer I had no idea I was in for the ride of my life... Thankfully I caught it early - but it was the start of a journey I never dreamed I would be a part of. (But then again who does?)

I attended a "Look Good Feel Beautiful" Class held by the American Cancer Association (one I highly recommend).  I went the day before my lumpectomy surgery was scheduled.  There I was, one of only three women attending a session on how you could make yourself look good - hence, feel good while undergoing treatment.  I was the youngest woman there, there was a woman from England (Dana-Farber is world wide reknown with women from all walks of life coming for treatment).  There was a woman from China there and then there was me.  These women had obviously gone through surgery, and chemotherapy as they were completely bald and without eyelashes.  I felt a little awkward being the only one there who hadn't begun.  But they were so kind.  Looking at me compassionately and encouraging ME. Telling me I was going to do fine!  There I sat with my curls down my shoulders, everything on me intact and THEY were encouraging ME.  One of the leaders of the Class reached into her purse and handed me an embroidered cross that someone had made. Encouraging me and letting me know that God was with me. (The picture is below):

An embroidered cross given to me at the start of my breast cancer journey...

I've carried it around with me for the last 7 months in my purse. Looking at it as a reminder of Who I belong to. Who is the Author and Finisher of my faith - no matter what spiritual stage I am at in my life.

Seven months later, I'm at the end of my treatment journey. Only four more radiation treatments to go.  There I am in my hospital gown, sitting in the waiting room with four other women also waiting to go through their daily radiation treatment. We've gotten to know each other a bit. There are those that are there for different types of cancer treatment - not all are there for breast cancer.  An older woman sits with her daughter - I've seen them coming in for about two weeks now.  They are Cape Verdean (Portuguese) like me. Only my family is American Cape Verdean.  The mother must be in her eighties.  Doesn't speak any english.  Her neck is all red from radiation.  She smiles warmly at each of us every time she comes in.  Her daughter, grown obviously taking her there each day does speak English.  Her mother is there for esophageal cancer.  She is undergoing radiation.  Today is her last day.  We all rejoice with her mom.  There is a bond that only those of us who know what she has been through share.  I get choked up.  I congratulate her and in true  Portuguese fashion give her a warm and gentle hug.  Her daughter and I exchange contact information and then her daughter reaches into her purse, and hands me something so precious and beautiful it brought tears to my eyes.  You see, she lives in Oklahoma. She hands me this beautiful detailed rock that is in the shape of a rose. I look at it astonished. It's beautiful. She hands me a little card with the rose shaped rock that reads like this:

Barite Rose

Official State Rock of Oklahoma

"The rose-like appearance is due to the intergrowth of barite crystals (barium sulfate) formed during the Permian Age of geologic history (250 million years ago).  The rose-like concretions incorporate the iron-stained quartz sand grains giving the "roses" a reddish hue."

This is what she gave me (I took the picture with my cell phone - notice the intricate details on the rock).

Barite Rose Rock
Official State Rock of Oklahoma

Look how beautiful it is? Look at the detail etched into it - not by man but by God!  If God cares so much about the detail of a little stone - how much more so does he care about the details of our lives? I don't feel as though the gesture of her giving this to me, was of her but of God.  I needed to feel special again. I needed to know that I know that I know that God loves me. That He cares. It seems real appropriate that in ending my journey - I'm reminded of what I've already known.  That the steps of the righteous are ordained by God.  That It rains on the just and the unjust.  That God is the Author and Finisher of my faith - and that while I am ending treatment - I am not ending learning.  I look back on these 7 months and I see all the changes that I have undergone.  I had begun to take life for granted.  I had been sad and depressed for the last three years of my life.  And in some way - perhaps I had become "full of myself."  The woman I am today - knows what I THOUGHT I had known already - but really hadn't - how precious life is.  That each and every day is a gift.  That I'm stronger than I thought I was. That I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.  That even when I feel like I am alone - I'm NOT.

So this journey - this chapter in my life is almost over. It has changed me. It has made me a better person. It has brought people into my life that I never would have had a chance to meet - had I not gone through breast cancer. But a new one is getting ready to begin... I don't know what it holds for me but I know who it is WHO is holding ME.  And that to me - is the most wonderous thing of all.  Just as I held this precious tiny little rose rock in my hand, I realize that my Father holds ME in the palm of His hands.  Ready Father? Here we goooo...

We Fall Down

Traffic Jams in This Thing Called Life... Who Ya Gonna Call? The Ghost-Buster!!!

Traffic Jam in this thing called life? How 'bout using your GPS? (God Please Simplify)
*Photos by the talented Freelance Photographer, D. Kiely

It's Saturday, the house is quiet. The Kidlets are with their father and grandparents - its my first time in a month being totally on my own. And I need this, I need to clear out the clutter in my head. Take thoughts out "one by one" and shake the dust of them. Unwind the balls of confusion/discord over certain areas of my life and all the "what-has-happened" yarn like balls for the things that have occurred over the past year. Bring them before the Lord like a kid in Show-n-Tell and ask Him to help me sort each one out.  For I'm not strong enough or wise enough to do it myself and I haven't allowed myself the time to get quiet before Him because my life has been like a huge traffic jam and I've lost direction.

Have you ever felt like that in your own life? Like every which way you turn to go - there is a traffic jam keeping you from moving forward?  You think to yourself - "Okay - if it was just in ONE area, I could go "around it" or take a "right" but the jams are every which way. Boxing you in.  What do you do about it?  Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing right now... I'm getting out of my car, climbing onto the roof of it and Yelling at the top of my lungs... "HEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!"

My Bible (the one that I've not been able to focus on, concentrate on - or even in my own spiritual discord pick up and read...) tells me "My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth." (Psalms 121:2)  So often we think "I can do this - I can figure it ALL out myself.  I got this Lord!" Especially if you have been a Christian for a number of years. You feel like you should be "mature enough" to be able to "figure it out" on your own.  I've found this to be in my own life - a BIG MISTAKE.  There is no shame in admitting that you don't have all the answers.  That you need help. That you can't figure it out on your own.  Sometimes when we try - our mess gets bigger and bigger... Kind of like a snowball that starts out small.  But builds up as it rolls until the teeny tiny snow flake that became a snowball is now a HUGE boulder of snow rolling down the hill with us in front of it! Avalanching.  Ever felt like that?  And WE are the ones who took that tiny situation, opened up a door we should have kept closed and made it into a bigger problem then it ever should have become... (OUCH).

I was given the scripture yesterday by a very dear friend of mine - Hebrews 8:1 "There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  I don't take that as a justification for sinning. But when ol'slewfoot comes around and tries to tie me up in condemnation over things I haven't brought to the Lord for help but tried to figure out on my own when I can't. When my wisdom isn't enough, when my strength isn't enough, when my vision to see farther than the problem itself is weighing me down. When in trying to make the problem go away - I make it bigger!  There are certain things, certain "strongholds" that we  in and of ourself were NOT made to handle.  I'm realizing more and more that God wants us dependent upon HIM. No matter the situation. If we don't go to our "Parent" for help, we can remain in the traffic jam we are in.

Why is it so easy to do other things we do in life - except go before the Father? Why do we find "quiet time to be a burden? Why do we ignore the only solution that can give us what we ALL want most in our lives? A peace of mind.  It should be so easy, shouldn't it?

I don't know about you - but I know that sometimes when I try to get before the Lord and have my quiet time - is when my mind is all of a sudden ALL OVER the PAGE.  Thinking about the things I need to do, thinking about my kids, thinking about my faults, thinking about what I'm thinking about... Laughing... Like a restless child it is hard to still my mind and LISTEN to what the Holy Spirit is trying to minister to me. Who would have thought that "getting quiet" would be one of the hardest things to do???  But Jesus is to be our example, and time and time again in my Bible I see that He went out from among them - for Quiet time.  If HE did it, how much more should we???

This morning - this "quiet morning" I think I have begun to have more "clarity" than I have in a very long time.... I'm far from "resolving" all the little traffic jams in my life right now... But you know - I'm starting to see a "tiny clearing" and I'm thinking I can "squeeze on by" and make some headway.  My direction - wherever the Lord will lead me... Isn't He suppose to be our GPS?  I've got the directional book - but its been in my "glove compartment" for the last 7 months.. Think its time I "dusted it off" and found my way back home...  What do you say? How about you? Are you driving in the car "behind me?"  I'm moving my car - should give you sufficient enough room to move yours...

Smooth Sailing... errrr Driving I mean... ;)

Tenth Avenue North - You Are More

Are You Half-Baked?

I saw a quote today that made me think... It said "Just be true to who you are."  It made sense to me. So often we spend time "worrying about what others think."   You know - I'm NOT saying that doesn't matter to some degree, but you can't get all "wound up about it." Because the truth is - people will think whatever they want to, regardless of what you do. We've all heard the saying - "You can please some of the people some of the time..."

As a Christian I believe that if we are honestly asking the Lord to change the things within us - He Will. All we have to be is open to it. There are times will He will change things within us right away, and times when He may decide it will take longer... Maybe He wants us during those times that take longer to really understand what it is He is changing, what brought us to that point.

I was making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for my kids today and it just occurred to me.  Maybe we are like those cookies... If we rush whatever it is God is trying to do within us we will come out "half-baked." (LOL).  Cookie dough taste good - I'm sure of that we can all agree - but a fresh outta the oven - hot, slightly brown chocolate chip cookie oozes with a flavor that is incomplete when it is "just the dough" itself. Maybe we should let God do whatever it is that He is trying to do with us, instead of playing "tug of war."

If I've said it once - I've said it a thousand times - I don't have all the answers... And I don't think we were meant to "have" all the answers during this journey called life... That it's "okay" not have all the answers. So don't beat yourself up over it. There is a song that we use to sing in Church the words go like this: "In His time, in His time (in your time Lord) God makes all things beautiful in His Time. Lord my life to You I bring, may each song I have to sing. Be to You a special thing. In His time..."

I've just completed 16 rounds of radiation - the last part of my treatment against the breast cancer I was diagnosed with last June.  The cancer was removed with a lumpectomy I had last July. I was "cancer-free" but because I had "one bad node" I had to undergo four months of chemotherapy. Everything I thought was "me" has been stripped from me. My eyebrows were gone, my hair (is gone - that is a wig), my eyelashes. Anything that made ME feel outwardly beautiful. Not only did I have to contend with a deadly disease - but also it stripped from me anything I might have been "prideful" of. It took away my self confidence. But I'll tell you something the Lord gave me a year before my diagnosis. He gave me the saying that "Sexiness is an attitude one wears.  It is NOT a weight, it is NOT a style. It is NOT a look.  It's WHO YOU ARE on the INSIDE. That confidence shines through better than anything you could do to your outward appearance. It is what is on the inside that radiates on the out." He gave that saying and that confidence to me a YEAR BEFORE my diagnosis. Why? Because He knew I would need to remember it when I stood in front of my mirror - bald, looking literally like what I was - a "cancer patient."  But here is the thing. That is NOT WHO I AM. It never was.  When I saw the quote today "Just be true to who you are." I thought of myself. I thought of what this has done to my marriage.  I thought of the fact that other than my mother, my best friend in KY, a hand full of friends and an online Pink Community that has kept me from despair - that I could have become a bitter person through this experience.  I went through emergency visits and treatments by myself.  I did not have a husband by my side who called me every night or went through emergency visits with me.  I envied those women that DID have that kind of support.  But I realize that no one is perfect.  Not one of us. We all have our issues and things we are dealing with.  When I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Early Stage Breast Cancer it not only affected ME - but my whole family.  And it is easy to forget that it has not only been "about me."  Or affected "only me."  But my husband, my kids, my family and those close to me as well.  I thought of changes that are occurring - outwardly in my life as well as inside me. I am more humble, less quick of judging. I also see the beauty around me in each day. Quietly I feel sorry for the people I see around me who are caring more about what other people think of them - then what they think of their selves.  They will always be striving to live for, or please other people.  Instead of looking to the Lord or within themselves for what they need and who they are.

I don't know the whole picture yet - of my life. But I trust that He will make it into something beautiful. Who are you trying to please? Maybe its time to re-evaluate and chew on that for a while... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding... In all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make straight your path..." (Acts 20:24)

My eyebrows are back.  I have baby eyelashes.  My hair is growing like a "chia pet's" (LOL).  I am not the same woman I was 7 months ago. I am only half way through the last part of my treatment - 17 more treatments of radiation to go through.  And then I have to figure out how to put the "fear" of reoccurence to the back of my head. Otherwise it will "taint" the beauty in the days God has given me.  Hang over my head like a pendulum. I won't let it. I won't live my life in fear. I have learned that NONE of us are promised tomorrow.  I praise God for this second chance and I willingly admit that "He is not done with me yet."  I'm still figuring out the rest as I go.
And you know what - that's okay!

Amy Grant - That's What Love Is For

Are You Like Shrek - Do You Have "Layers?"

How Many Layers Do You Have?

Have you ever had a word just come into your mind... This week the word that stuck in my head - and I don't even know WHERE I got it, so it must be God whispering in my ear - was the word, 'Character." 
I thought about myself, I thought about my life... CHARACTER... I'm still chewing on it... And am letting God take His time in revealing to me... Well, ME.


There are so many "layers" of who we are. I don't know about you - but I find I am finding out new things about myself almost daily. Still trying to discover just "who" I am. Growth is a process and I believe that God will continue revealing things to us about ourselves until the day we go and be with Him. I think we are always changing, discovering, growing... I am not the same person I was ten years ago. Are you?  The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 16:7 "For the Lord sees not as a man sees: Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."


I'm so glad... God looks at the heart. I think about how many people I "formed" in my head opinions of. I've learned through my stretch of being a prodigal that although we need to be "gently restored" it is up to God to do the judging. Why do we do the things we do? We automatically take what little knowledge we have of people and form our own opinion of "who they are."  We can't do that. The picture is not complete. We only know what we know - but God sees it all! What is there about you that needs changing? Have you asked God to help you change it? Have you given yourself time to understand why you feel that part of you needs changing? We can be so hard on ourselves sometimes... I've had a lot of time to be able to think about this myself. And I came to the decision that I need to spend more time with the Creator. Because the truth is - He knows me better than I KNOW me. Also, I think as long as we are open to allowing Him to change the things in us that He wants to change - it will happen. Not perhaps in "our time" but in His.  I didn't become a Christian until I was 21 years old. That is 21 years of formation in my life prior to my knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  There is no perfect family. Parents make mistakes, we make wrong decisions - and things happen that make us the person that we have become.  However, the good news is that God is a patient God.  That He is a loving God.  That we can come before Him, trust Him, be honest with Him and have Him restore anything that needs to be restored within us.  I'm so thankful for that.


Maybe we need to be kinder to those we "think we know." Maybe we should be less judgmental and more willing to understand. Even those that hurt us. I think there are times when we need to step back and try to get a bigger look at our situations. Ask God for understanding. Ask God for wisdom. Ask God to help you to be more like Him. Isn't that what we are suppose to be doing as we go through our walks anyways?


Sometimes the person we are cruelest to - is ourselves... The Bible tells us in John 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."


I've been thinking a lot about this... Maybe we need to go back into our Bible's and see the example that Jesus set for us - in loving others.. And not only apply it how we love others - but also, how we love ourselves...

Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus

If He Asked You for Dinner - Would YOU Go?

Spend Time with the One Who Cares... He Doesn't Mind if You Are a  "Dork" or a "Goofball" He Created You That Way!

I saw a movie once - it is called "The Perfect Stranger" its a Christian movie. It's about a woman who gets the opportunity to sit across the table from Jesus and pour out her heart to Him. I own a copy of the movie - but it can also be found on youtube.com the link for the first part (it has seven parts listed on youtube) I am including in this blog: http://youtu.be/Bp5UgNO2dEU. It is a definite must see.

I woke up this morning wanting to just sit across the the table from Jesus and pour out all the things that are in my heart, not even knowing where to begin. But I've been feeling like I have "writers block" with my prayers. Its sooooo very easy to feel alone in a room crowded with people. The thing is - I KNOW he's there and ironically I also know that my Bible tells me: "Oh Lord, you have searched me and know me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar, you search out my path and my lyin gdown and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether."  (Psalms 139:1-4)

He ALREADY knows! And yet He still wants us to come to Him and TELL Him. Why is that sometimes so difficult??? In all the examples I have found in my Bible - Jesus was affective with people because He listened! Because He cared! Because He was compassionate. Because He was direct - AND He met people "where they were in life." Just by being Him people wanted to follow Him. People wanted to listen to Him. People wanted to share with Him. He spoke the truth and He directed people in the way they should go - but He did it in a manner that people could receive!  Why can't we be like when ministering to others? Or even ministering to ourselves.... I don't know about you - but lately whenever I try to pray - I see all my sins before me and I'm so busy judging myself that I don't even allow myself the opportunity for the Lord to minister to ME.... Hmmmm even typing this I'm having a self revelation!!! (LOL)  Sometimes we are so busy saying "Yes, I know - I need to change A,B,C and I don't know what to do about X,Y, Z" that we aren't allowing ourselves to hear from Him. He is sitting across from us - blinking, looking compassionate and being extremely patient (In my 23 years of being a Christian I've never once pictured Him looking annoyed at me...) while we go off on our self diagnosis tangents.  Can you imagine telling the Creator - What you need to do to fix yourself? While being before Him?  (Laughing Out Loud). Then of course - we have our brothers and sisters in Christ - some of who are JUST waiting for you to lay out "your dirt" before them so THEY can feel superior or better than YOU because "OMG you are in such a sinner's state! You need to get right with God! You are standing on the brink of hell..." Come on now - Really???! Really??!!! Does THAT make a person want to share??? Does that make a person feel better??? Does that make a person want to repent or get right with God??? HONESTLY.  I think maybe I was once like that - unintentionally. Maybe that is why over the last 4 years God has humbled me. Has brought me to my knees. I realize more and more that I shall leave the judging to God. Some brethern would say "Well the Bible is the judge." Yeah - but I never saw Jesus beat someone over the head with the Word of God. Every time He ministered to a sinner - Even the thief upon the cross - He did it with LOVE. He did it with compassion. He did it with understanding - so He could REACH who that person really was inside.

We don't always know what it is happening inside a person before we judge them. Instead of helping deal with the heart of the manner - we look at the symptoms. When was the last time you really listened? Really?

I realize more and more - that I've been looking for someone to listen to me. But afraid they'd be shocked and judgmental in all I've been through - so instead, I've kept it to myself. What I really need to do - is get in my "quiet place" and spend sometime alone with the Lord. Talk with Him. Pour everything out - and then, LISTEN.  Just listen and receive.  Think I need to plan a Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner date with Him - myself... How about you?

A Social Network Christmas

DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU

Spaghetti Thoughts

Sometimes you Feel so alone - like you are reaching for the Savior's hand and it seems to always be just in front of you. Don't give up - Keep trying. Even in your darkest hour. Sometimes God just wants to see how much faith you have. "Be not weary in well doing."(2 Thessalonians 3:13)

It's 2:18 a.m. and I'm wide awake... I had my last treatment of chemo yesterday, and you'd think I'd be sleeping like a baby. Wrong. My mind is going round and round like spaghetti twirling on a fork... I can't sleep. Bad case of insomnia tonight.

I've always been told that I analyze things too much. I "think" to hard. Is that really possible? Its not something new - its just who I am...

We take so many things for granted. Don't we? We live in such a microwave society where we want what we want when we want it. Waiting has never come easy for me. Has it for you? I remember a simpler time in my life. I think I've always been a bit like "Sandra Dee" and naive. I've learned so much more than I ever wanted to know this year... I've learned that we NEED people. I've learned that life isn't always so "cut and dry." I've learned not to judge others... Ohhh boy have I learned that the hard way. I've learned that pride REALLY does come before a fall. I've learned NEVER to say Never. I've learned never to take life for granted. Or your health... And at the same time I've discovered I have so many questions for God. Wouldn't you like to just sit across the table from Jesus right now??? You don't really know what a person is going through or has gone through UNTIL you walk in their shoes. So I've learned to listen. And I've learned that in order to bring someone closer to the Lord - you show COMPASSION. SENSITIVITY and LOVE. And to know that it is okay to admit you don't have all the answers. Wouldn't you trust someone who told you that MORE than you would trust someone who acted like they did? Only God sees the full picture. We only see in part. Sometimes that drives me crazy, other times I'm oh so grateful.

I grew up in Massachusetts. Never left it and have never traveled away from it until three years ago - I have always lived here up until I made the biggest mistake of my life and moved upstate New York where my mother was originally from. I didn't wait for the green light - I just went ahead. I think one of the things I've learned as I did in my post below - is that we all make mistakes. And we can spend eons beating ourselves up for them or we can admit that we are human and allow God to take those mistakes and use them for good.  Isn't it better to learn from one's mistakes instead of denying them? I've always been real transparent - and I'm too old to change now! (Laughing) Well not really - I think God has us changing for as long as we have breathe in our body, don't you? And ironically, due to my breast cancer diagnosis this past June - I had to come back to the best place for treatment - and that was in Massachusetts. So here I am once again... I really do think God gives us lessons to learn and he won't "move us forward" until we pass the class. Then we go on to the next one. I think the older you get in Christ - the harder the classes get and the more you realize about yourself... I think that is the point I'm at now.

I am far from perfect - i don't profess to have ALL the answers - but my Father does. And here is the thing - we can be our own worst critic - we really can. But God doesn't give up on us even when we are at our worst. Even though satan whispers in our ear ALL of our sins before us. But its not by anything we do that makes us earn heaven - its by the blood of the lamb. Our savior Jesus Christ. It's by grace. It's by mercy. It's by admitting that we are powerless without Him. Is that you? I KNOW it's me. Thank you Lord - that you know me so much better than I know myself. That you love me inspite of me. I'm so glad You're God. You didn't say it would be easy. But you DID say that you would be with us until the end of time. Thanks be to God.

Posting a 2nd time because it says SOOO much - Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

Ouch... Is there Something He is Saying to You? Are You Really Listening?

The Steps of the Righteous are Ordained by God.  (Psalms 37:23)
I think we forget that sometimes...
(Picture from imagebank.org.uk)

I've met this sweet, beautiful young sister online. She is FULL of life. She is a wife, a mother, a student. She has a spark in her beautiful eyes and a strong spirit of determination. I don't know her well - yet I see her strengths. She's beautiful and young with so many things ahead of her. I wondered as I communicated with her - what words of wisdom I could give her? From me, pretty much a stranger. But even being a stranger - her sister in Christ. There was so much inside of me that I wanted to share with her - but I couldn't. Partly because of my prodigal state - I'm not in a place to minister affectively to anyone. I need to get my own house in order. Yet there is so much that I see her going through that I'd like to take her under my wing and share my experiences with her. If it was a different time, if I was in a different place - I would. Here is the one thing I will say:

It is so important to listen to the voice of God when He speaks to you. When you are praying about something - especially when it comes to a direction in life - make SURE you hear what He is saying about it before you step out. Four years ago, I thought the Lord was directing my family to a different state. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to do it. I laid down fleeces before Him. But I didn't listen. I thought He wanted my family and I to step out on faith - and move. But what God was really saying - in retrospect was "no." I didn't listen to it. It was an emotional time in my family. I thought we were doing what was best for our oldest son who was on the verge of being a teenager. I WAS WRONG. We truly do forget that we see in part - and God sees in full. When God says "no." It is usually for a very good reason. Heck - it is ALWAYS for a very good reason. We don't see what decisions we make will do to us later on down the line. If God says NO to you - listen. How I wish I had. How I wish I hadn't made decisions during an emotional time. I thought I was doing the right thing, and indeed my intentions were all good. Naively we moved thinking that we would all "run off into the sunset and live "happily ever after." Oh if I had only listened to what God was quietly saying. If I had not ignored the signs... I think I'd be at a different place in my life than I am now.  Now I'm not saying that God can't take our mistakes and work them for His glory. Because He can. But sometimes we make it so that we have to pay a higher price - by not listening. By not obeying. I don't know how to be anything but transparent. Although in my prodigal state - I only choose to reveal what God leads me to. The decision to move was based on a protectiveness over my children, but it costs me dearly and is still costing me. I lost my footing. There are doors I opened that I would never have even considered opening had I stayed where the Lord had placed us and believed God to work out the issues in my oldest child. For you see - we can direct our children to the Father, we can show them by our actions our own faith - BUT we CANNOT give them OUR WALK.  At some point with our children - we have to remember that God only loaned them to us. He didn't GIVE them to us - for they belong to Him. And we have to trust that He will not let them go - that He will allow them to go through whatever they have to go through in order to choose Him. We try to protect them, shelter them - but sometimes its not what God wants us to do. We have to let them grow. In Him.

God knows our hearts. He does. Not accepting His "no" has costs me so much. I hope someone is reading this blog - and learning from my mistake. I hope this is ministering to you. Listen to God. Even if you feel disappointed when He is saying "no" to a request you are putting before Him. Remember that He sees the whole "story of you" you don't.  Although I know that it is by mercy and grace that I am saved - and there is nothing that I can do to earn heaven (thank you Jesus) - I can't help but feel right now like "Bob Marley" from the Christmas Carol - trying to warn my brothers and sisters in Christ who are teeter-totering on making a decision and not at all sure that it is what God wants them to do. Be prayerful about decisions you make. And LISTEN to what the Holy Spirit is saying to you.

I can't go back to how things were before. I've changed too much. Between having had a prodigal experience and also going through breast cancer. I'm on a totally different path than I was before. Sometimes we cause ourselves to take the harder pathways.  Still, I DO believe that God will use my experiences to help others grow in Him. Its not as easy as it may seem for a Prodigal to get back to being on the pathway to God.  I love the Lord with all my heart - I DO. But I'm not the same woman I was four years ago. I think I'm more humble. I think I'm more vulnerable. I'm still transparent - yet I've walked in shoes I'd never dreamed  I'd wear... Not sure if except to another prodigal that makes sense... You know there are lessons we just learn and go on to the next course - but there are OTHERS that we may have to repeat before God allows us to pass. And here is the thing - He won't let us move on to the next level until we've learned what He has put before us. Some of us have to repeat a class over and over again until we truly have learned WHAT lesson it is He is trying to teach us... (Anyone getting me???)  I've learned to leave all the judging to God. I know I'm not in a place to judge anyone. I'm too busy judging myself. I cringe when people tell me "how good I am" for I'm not.  Again I think of Paul who so eloquently said in Romans Chapter 7 verse 15 - Chapter 8 verse 2:
" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I  know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. or in my inner being I delight in God's law;but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?hanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.herefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."


Sometimes we Christians judge other brothers in sisters in Christ - like we have a "right to" I know - I use to do it without even really realizing that that was what I was doing. To some degree i felt "better" than that person who was going through.  After ALL "I would NEVER do what THEY were doing." --- Watch out when you think this way. Pride REALLY does come before a a fall. And the more pride you have - the deeper the fall you will go. For God will try to teach you - that HE is NOT done WITH YOU. Remember the woman who was caught in adultery and Jesus stopped them from stoning her?? And asked them WHO of YOU are without sin???? Maybe you need to take this time to look hard at yourself. For there is a little bit of Prodigal in ALL of us. Remember that with God there is no degree of sin. Sin is sin. Be careful - walk prayerfully - for you may find YOURSELF that adulteress one day. (Ouch... Iron sharpening iron??) Or you may find YOURSELF one of the many of other sins that you thought "YOU would NEVER do." Its not something that happens overnight you know... A prodigal doesn't always "run out the door into temptation." It is a slow process. I once heard that when someone makes a dish like frogs legs (which I would NEVER eat - because I loved frogs when I was growing up). But I heard that people who cook frog's - don't throw them into a boiling pot. They put them in water and slowly turn the heat up - to soothe them to sleep. Lots of sin doesn't happen "right away" it is a process. Sometimes a sloowwww sooothing process...


The prodigal son - had grown up with the law all around him. Its not as if he didn't know his Word. But he thought he knew "better" what he needed. He was so wrong. He took the hard path. But have you ever thought about how hard it was for him to turn around and make his trek back home? I don't know about you but I'm my own worst critic. I don't need someone else condemning me - because I do a pretty good job of it on my own. I'll bet the Prodigal son did it all the way home. Berated himself. Its hard to admit when you're wrong. How long those miles back home must have felt. But he was met with forgiveness AND compassion. His Father was there with open arms. I'm quite sure he changed the course of his life but all that he had learned. But maybe - he was able to take his experiences to minister more affectively to those around him? Maybe he was able to keep others from making the same mistake he had made? Maybe in the end - he was better for it. For using his mistakes to show that God can use ANYONE. If they allow Him to.
I'm not the same woman I was four years ago. The course of my life is on the eclipse of changing. I cannot honestly see beyond the horizon, I am still  "learning" WHO I am. I have been humbled on all sides - spiritually, physically, emotionally this year. But there is one thing I DO know. God is not surprised. When Jesus hung on that cross He saw ME all the way in the future. Although things surprise US they DO NOT surprise Him. I no longer care what people think of me. Let them think what they will. If I dwell on that it will impede my trek back home to the Father and it is already like walking through "deep snow."  Where are you in your walk with Him? Take a deep look at yourself. What things do you need changing? Are you willing to admit what you need work on? Or are you too busy judging sister or brother so&so because YOU aren't willing to take a good hard look at yourself? Careful - or you might find YOURSELF right where that individual you were so busy judging is.... BELIEVE YOU ME. I know.


There go I BUT for the GRACE of God.... Food for thought isn't it? Don't push your chair away from the table and run off. Sit and think a while... Maybe God is trying to tell you something. You be the judge of you...

DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU